Tuesday, 27 December 2011


I think my ex-boyfriend hates me. But then again, why wouldn't he? I did tell him I am no longer in love with him, told him to stop waiting and pining for me. We broke up 23months ago afterall, circumstances that led to that haven't changed either. I don't know why it kinda stung that he was a bit short with me - I don't know why I expected any different. I only contacted him to wish him a merry christmas - I should know better really. I ought to stop popping up in his life. I wonder if all that is some unexplored guilt I have - I know that I caused inexplicable damage and pain - I perhaps shouldn't have seen him last month. *sigh* I really do respect him. My best friend thinks I'm in love with him still. I wonder if I was ever IN love with him. I loved him - yes, without a doubt - but was I IN love with him? *sigh* I don't even think I know what that is.

I've been really really seriously considering moving home recently. I'm asking God for a sign, confirmation - I loathe to do something major without hearing from him. But I so strongly feel my time here is rounding up and it's time for a new phase, a new season in my life. I thought given time I would shake that inkling off but it's not working. Someone said I must be out of my mind even thinking that in the current economic / national security situation referring to the bombings that happened on christmas day. I say I refuse to make decisions based on the fear of an unknown future. Tomorrow's not promised today to anyone. Someone was shot in manchester, another stabbed to death in London on boxing dAy - so go figure. As long as I'm where God wants me to be, I'm happy. But I think it may be happening - I think I want it to be happening.

I'm intensely fed up with the constant 'hooking me up' going on recently. Yes I know I've been single for 2 years - but I'm not defective -honest! I just need to be with someone I want to be with and who's worthy of being with me - yes I said it: worthy to be with me! I'm a fragile, fragile person. Especially after pushpuller, I'm not in a position to be played with. My sister sent me a text asking if she could pass my details on to a 'delightful young doctor' and then asked me to keep an open mind when I said he's half way across the atlantic. My last relationship ended a year and half into an LDR - main reason I left anyway! I mean if I'm gonna do that at all, it most certainly will be with someone I know wants me for keeps #sigh - we'll see

The girl with the dragon tattoo was friggin awesome! Totally rocked! I loveee her tatts! It's re-awakened my lust for them, I still want one soo bad! Toying with the idea of getting one for my birthday. I just cannot reconcile what the Bible has to say about it to getting one. Mehnnnn :o( H wants one too! His sister got one and I loved it...we'll see :)

I miss H - a lot. All day, everyday.. Sucks. Sucks big hairy monkey balls - SUCKS!

Saturday, 17 December 2011


I've been looking forward to this weekend for the past 2 weeks. Just did a 2week stretch at work and was completely shattered, so I was looking forward to spending the entire weekend in bed.

It took me 3hours to clean my entire apartment today + tidy my wardrobe. I live alone..yeah..

I totally love banky w's new song 'low key' - it was on repeat the entire 3hours I spent cleaning, my neighbour must hate me now :p

I haven't felt lonely in a long time, it totally hit me by suprise today. I really really wanted someone around. Not just anybody though #sigh. The holidays are always the hardest

My amazing, out of this world super awesome friend H showed me what it is to have someone be there for you and I love him even more. I totally appreciate that he's so thoughful. Just simple things like wishing me a good day. Sending me an auto-tune cat to wish me a good day (hehe), staying up all night so when I got off at unholy hour he'd be awake to talk to me. It's amazing to have him just be available, be there. Love H.

Travis from gym class heros is THE hottest man on earth. I want to have his babies! :D

Someone said to me that they miss me which so irritated me. I really hate empty words, don't say some thing if you don't mean it! I'm like really? You miss me? That's why I've heard from you like once in 2 weeks right? You have my phone number, my bb pin, my email address, you know where I live, heck you follow me on twitter! GTFOH with that bullshit joh! Mscheww. It's always all about the actions and not just words. I'm like dude abeg.

Someone apologised for badgering me to date him. I kinda didn't know how to respond to that. I appreciated him man-ning up to apologise to my face not via text or phone. I stopped listening when he asked if I'm 'still single'

I miss H - a lot.

The holidays are always the hardest

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Dear you

My heart broke into a thousand shards when i heard the first tear fall - yes i heard it clearly. You were being so brave, trying to 'man up', you didn't want me to think little of you, yet my heart was breaking. It shattered because I didn't know what to do, I couldn't hold you in my arms like i wanted to, so i let you speak until you had nothing left to say. You talked and cried and laughed and talked some more at the same time, I listened to your words but all i heard was pain, and my heart broke for not being able to do anything. It's the most frustrating feeling you know - seeing pain and suffering and being able to do fuck all about it. I heard clearly.

I tossed and turned afterwards, searched my little MD knowledge to see if there was anything I could do, anything that I could suggest but I got nothing. I didn't know what to do and so I prayed for you. I asked my Father to show me how I could help you be better, I asked him to help me be some healing for you. I asked him to give you a great big hug for me and tell you that everything is going to be alright. Everything IS alright. I asked him to please remind you to speak to him and ask him for help. I asked him to show you how far you've come, to help you see the road ahead of you and not the one you've left behind. I asked him for a lot of things for you, but most of all, I asked him to please love you for me, because i wasn't doing a good job of it.

I wish you'd let me be there for you, let me love you. You had a horrid day yesterday and I felt all kinds of guilty because i only got to know so late in the day - after i'd been rattling on about my non-issues. I wish you'd let me take some of the bad for you because that's why I'm here. This is what i do - i help, i try to make things better, I listen, I offer a shoulder or two, I'm the sounding board when you're pissed off and need to vent. Life's not all sugar and light all the time, we both know it, I wish you wouldn't try so hard just to present the 'man up' version of yourself to me, I don't need that, I don't want that. 100% honesty - no more, no less - is us, it has to be us because I can't fit to explain how much you mean to me and I hope I tell you that often enough for you to believe it.

You don't have to do life on your own, you most certainly don't have to do November on your own. I'll bully you if you don't let me * :o) *

I wish you'd let me be here for you, I wish you'd tell me how to be here for you, teach me how to be present for you. I wish you'd let me love you...

Tuesday, 15 November 2011


I feel very resentful towards the 'sensible thing to do' and for a change,I do not feel guilty about being resentful.

I'm fed up with this place and my job - I loathe using the word 'carer'. Yes, I should be thankful I have a 'good job' hheard that a million times over, but forgive me for not being ecstatic about said job. I'm still waiting to like it a year ad a half later - I man what are the chances?

Everyone says to me incredulously 'but you're a doctor! what would you do otherwise?' I always say having the ability and acquired skill to do something should not condemn you to doing that for life. what would do otherwise? how would know? I have never had a chance to explore anything else and I really want to.

I'm resentful because I want to go home. I hate that I feel stuck/trapped here on the conveyor belt of 'postgraduate training'. I mentioned to my friend that if I had any other career, I could just up and leave, but oh no, I should specialise before going back and bla bla bla. As much as that makes sense in theory, 1. I do not want to specialise in secondary care 2. Specialisation takes a miminimum of 8-10 years (except 3 yrs for GP) 3. I do not want to put my life on hold for a job I do not like ad while it 'makes sense' - at the end of the day, what 'is sensible' is not beneficial to everyone, what if it does not make sense to my life/destiny? *sigh*

Specialist applications opened yesterday and I'm filling in a form loathing every second of  it. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, but eventually I have to do me, I want to go home. 10 years in this place is long enough. 2 years in this horridness is  long enough.

I. have. had. enough. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start and I do not like it.

I need to make a decision - the right one. question is what is it?

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Setting fire to the rain

I've had Adele's 'set fire to the rain' on repeat for the past 2 weeks. It's beyond beautiful

I don't believe there's only one 'soul mate' for a person in life, I believe there are several

Is there any sense in being afraid of seemingly getting what you asked for?

I need wisdom - lots of it. Confounded my too many options and i don't like it - all it does is stress me out. oh, to have a crystal ball..

How do you know something's of God and not a shoddy immitation from the pits of hell?

I'm very scared of making the wrong decision. I'm scared i'll irretrievably fuck things up - royally

I hate confrontation, I cannot bear hurting another - usually to my own detriment

I had the most emotionally stressful holiday ever, I need a holiday to recover from the one i just had!

I don't know what to do about Mr  Porstmouth  and i'm scared - very scared and totally confused too, but more worried about making the wrong decision and hurting him, or the right decision and hurting him *sigh*

Why does faith require a leap? Can't it be just a tiny step? Unfair

I miss H something awful, it's not even funny. It's not funny.at.all. We've always had this mad connection, it's scary. And if i'm to be honest with myself, he's the reason why i'm even more unsure about what to do about Mr Portsmouth

I've been avoiding talking to him today, I need a clear head + wisdom to do that. So he'll have to wait unfortunately

To my own self I have to be true

Ignorance is not bliss, it's dangerous

Running away from stuff is never the solution, as much as i'd love to be an ostritch and bury my head in the sand right now

I want to start all over - wipe the slate clean and start over. Completely.

Thursday, 27 October 2011


Being asked to be someone's girlfriend should not be heartbreakingly difficult should it? And yet for the second time in my life i find myself at this place - this horrid horrid place where i'm stuck. Unhappy stuck.

I like Mr Pompey - I like Mr Pompey a lot but i've spent the past 4 days trying to come up with a way to say "how's about you ask me later? How's about you ask me when we get to know each other better? How's about you ask me when we're actually friends - cuz these days, friend is a word used loosely? How's about you ask me when you know me well enough and I know you well enough? Because you see, I'm not a 'date for the heck of it kinda girl' I need to know there's substance, that there's a foundation and that there's scope for it not to be a fling. Because I dont want to be someone's winter roll in the hay. Because I'm not there yet - because when i decide to be with someone i'm there 150%, but i need something more than where we're at now before i do that. Because i've been trying to convinve myself that you being in pompey doesnt matter, but it matters shit loads to me. The last person i attempted to love was far away, a year and a half of far away took it outta me. I need - not want - need more than a weekend boyfriend. I need to be able to see you half way through the week. I need you to be available, because while i'm stoic all on my own, if i'm going to be 150% then I need someone around. I don't want to do a LDR anymore because my needs have moved on from that"

Yeah, i havent come up with a way to say this. I'm not making Mr Pompey wait for the hell of it - i don't play games. I suppose it's been difficult for me and I didn't outrightly say no like i'd normally do, because fuck me, i actually like Mr Pompey, but i'm just not there yet, we're just not there yet. I didn't say no outright because - i guess if i'm being honest with myself - because i like him and because i wanted to see if time would change anything, because i wanted to buy time.

Will be believe me? I dunno. Will he understand? I hope so. I shrug my shoulders as i think about the other people i've told this to, who didn't believe me but instead went ahead to wipe me outta their lives. I suppose if Mr Pompey turns out to be one of those i'll get over it eventually - heck i got over pushpuller! If he doesn't, it'll be great to see if we can get there. But i'm acutely aware that i'm not working on my own time, i'm meeting a deadline. *sigh*

Shame really, i'm sure if i could afford time, if things were different and Mr Pompey could 'date' me properly things may just be different - but que sera sera. One doesn't always get what one wants and the universe often decides to throw a spanner in the works.

Damn me for being a head over heart kinda person..but this is me - this is really me. It's a gift i pay for - emotionally - very dearly..but what to do?


Monday, 24 October 2011

living and laughing + ?loving

It was the perfect date - my kinda date :)

I'm a water baby, my happiest place on earth is the beach. So a nice, long walk on the sea front prior to dinner was just perfect. There's something about the sea breeze yo :) . Quick stop off at church to help out with the fresher's event *a couple of embarrasing 'you look good together comments* , change of clothing and off for an Italian dinner - at the Marina! Brownie points for the sea side location :D

Dinner was great - company was great. Conversation was light, easy and flowed. I giggled to myself when the similarity between this first date and the first date with the ex-boy was immediately apparent. There must be something about me that makes guys spill about all previous and, where applicable, current women in their lives without my asking..hehe.. Nonetheless, dinner was awesome, the hours flew by!

The loooooonngggg walk around town after dinner was the icing on the cake, was actually my favourite part of the evening. I love to walk and chat - that's my kinda date. The weather was just right, we wondered town for well over an hour chatting about everything and nothing and eventually headed back home - to sit under the duvet watching old movies! lol, fell asleep at some point in the early hours of the morning.

I really did have a wonderful time and was pleasantly suprised by his attention to detail and the spontaneity of the evening, The long walk was a spontaneous idea - and it worked out just beautifully.

Was well worth the journey and my eventually saying yes to dinner for the umpteenth time! He'd been asking - persistently, for well over 9 months now *covering my face in shame*  - timing is crucial yo! lol

I'm a traditional girl at heart, i love things to be done properly. So brownie points given to c.y for ringing me to ask me to dinner yet again - not text, no ping, no bbm, no whatsapp. Simple, honest call to ask 'would you please have dinner with me?' :) :) *be still my beating heart* lol

I'm well aware of the new age, modern, independent woman steez but I'm still old school - he chose the resturant and paid for dinner, and no, i didn't offer to split the bill - i don't do that on the first date! :)

And so, after the wonderful evening that was saturday in pompey, right before drifting off to sleep after watching Mr Popper's Penguins :p c.y says ' i'm glad you came, dinner was great. I can't believe you actually eventually came. I like you and would like Enitan to be my girlfriend'.

I swear the blood pumping through my arteries froze! I most certainly was not expecting that - I went to dinner without any ulterior motives and wasn't expecting any. I didn't have any prior inidications that he may have been thinking along those lines. But i was floored because he asked! He actually asked. I was soo shocked and touched by how sweet that is all at the same time.I mean people still ask girls to be their girlfriends? In this age of instant messaging and just falling into exclusivity,, that I was asked clearly impressed me. Heck i'm still in shock! :D

So yes, this is me attempting to follow my own mantra of - live, love, laugh - everyday. Life is too short to be toyed with. Tomorrow is not promised today - to any one. So, I lived and laughed - a lot - down south this weekend.

Am i loving? I'm thinking about it. I really am thinking about it...

Monday, 17 October 2011

all grow-ed up

Both things I was looking foward to this past weekend did not happen - and I am a bit gutted yeah, but not depressingly so. Yay for being all 'grow-ed up!' :D

I failed my driving test yet again - annoying beccause of 'clutch control' - yeah DVLA ignore the fact that it was a car I'd NEVER driven! Sigh - back to commuting and yet more money on driving lessons! It's annoying when your feedbacck is 'you can drive BUT' - *exhaling*

on a more upsetting note, my date with Jamaica man didn't happen! I'd been looking foward to it all week! Met him at a friend's party the weekend before and he's hella funny and sweet so I figured hey, why the hell not :D was supposed to picck me up at half 6 - I'd got dressed and ready and ..nothing.

Then I got a text 45minutes later saying 'are we still on for tonight?' Gosh was I hella annoyed! I HATE HATE lateness and the lack of common sense to text to tell me that you're running late. So I politely told him not to bother coming to pick me up as I was 'already out of my dress' *rolling eyes*

As much as I was looking forward to it and even after his cute apology and offer for a 'walk and a chat instead' I still said no - it's not fronting as I've been accused of, lol, it's all about principles joh. I figured if he wanted to see me that much he can re-schedule and be on time!

I on the other hand am over the disappointment - ish. :D

Roll on next weekend! Dinner and drinks in pompey! I finally said yes to that 8 months later check me out! :D I'm making an effort to - live, laugh and love..failing on the 'love' bit for now..I'm looking forward to that though when it eventially comes - I've got soo much love to give and need so much of it myself

I've decided that I cannot be friends with pushpuller. I've tried, given it a go but just no. I cannot. I'm over him yes - even bought a pair of killer shoes to congratulate myself :D (the shoes which subsequently was Jamaica man's opening line lol). Now when I think of pushpuller, that searing pain and shame doesn't come up any more just attempted indifference and. Wishing never to have been involved with him lol. Heck, I even smiled at his other and was nice! But yeah. It's too difficcult for me abeg, it's unnecessary and frankly, I don't have to be friends with him. Let's leave it at forgiveness and moving on.

Sooooo looking forward to my 12 day holiday in Lagos Nigeria yoo! It's been 3 years I'm soo excited, bring on suya and ankara! :D :D

Sunday, 18 September 2011

first steps

They say admitting a problem is the first step to freedom. So here goes:

Hi, I'm enitan and I have emotional problems.A year to get over a relationship of a year and a half. 3 months later and still seriously struggling to get over the fuckery of a 7 month long 'thing'. It doesn't even have a name : it was just a 'thing'. I tried going cold turkey and even tried desensitisation - zilch! So we're riding it out and waiting it out. Getting there slow and steady. Blue in the face from praying about it sef.

Hi, I'm enitan and I don't like my job. I should say career really but the word career implies long term and something you actually like to do. It's neither of that for me. It's just a place I absolutely hate going to and the ass kissing and continuing studying it involves that makes me hate it more.

Hi, I'm enitan and I'm seriously considering a career change. What to do though? I need to figure out what I CAN do and what I LOVE to do. I have figured out so far though that it has to be a 9-5. No awful nights or weekend shifts. I need stability in my life man. So I've got till next summer to figure it out. Maybe I should do them on-line compatibility thingy bobs..

Hi, I'm enitan and I'm blessed! :D

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

don't ask, don't tell

I don't understand it. I have a day off after an 85 hour week and 'na me dey enjoy'

I say i'm exhausted because i'm working long hours and I 'shouldn't look for sympathy because at least I'm getting paid?'

ALWAYS pisses me off when people spew schit like this. If you really don't want to know how i am, don't ask me! 'how are you' is not merely an opening statement. If you don't wanna know, don't ask.

I suppose I shouldn't be mad. My fault for expecting empathy where i shouldn't be expecting it from.

.....and breathing... :)

Sunday, 11 September 2011


1. Seeing the pack of durex in the trash can was the final nail in the coffin. I don't know what was worse: the sudden realisation that that meant him and I were never going to happen - cuz let's face it when sex is involved...or that I was carrying a wish/hope with baited breath that someday. How could I not have realised that?

2. My star sign describes me perfectly. I'm a pisces to the very core

3. I cried myself to sleep last night. I haven't cried in a very long time.

4. I'm emotionally spent, I've lost count of how many days I've been on-call now. It's too much for me. I don't want to do it anymore

5. Who supports the personn who supports everyone else?

6. A random act of kindness contributed to the crying yesterday. I was so spent, so broken all it took was someone who really listened to say a kind word and all of a sudden - I totally unravelled - in the privacy of my duvet of course

7. There's a depth to my soul that's both a blessing and a curse

8. The ex-boy saw the above light years before me.

9. I'm sorry I've upset said ex boy, but I had to make him stop calling me baby and going on about we and us. It's been 21 months..and counting.

10. I hope the tears were a catharsis and my soul is healing. I cannot be stoic for much longer.

11. I want a hug - a great big bear hug that says ' I understand, you don't have to be so strong all the time. Let me take some of that load off your heart'. I want a hug that says 'I love you, and I'm here for you'

Mayhaps, that may just be the plug I need to stop these tears from falling, cuz apparently the floodgates are refusing to shut.

Monday, 22 August 2011


Somewhere along the past few months, lost in the haze of life I didn't notice myself becoming this person that I suddenly do not recognise.

As I traced the familiar path to the train station, my mind wondered along to the compartment where memories of old are kept. I saw a beautiful soul, a kind spirit. One that loved whole heartedly, gave time, compassion, encouragement willingly expecting nothing in return. One who learnt early in her earthly life that selfish ones aren't happy, in fact joy and happiness are not found inward but in reaching out to others because that is the purpose of our creation - that is what love is. I saw a happy spirit, a fufilled soul, I saw one who like a phoenix had reason several times out of several flames. I saw a soul that would rather die than say a mean word, she always bit her tongue and would rather not speak than intentionally hurt another. I saw a heart that had been battered several times over and put together so beautifully you had to strain to see the suture lines. I saw a soul that was quivering in excited anticipation, waiting to see what life brought and approach it with love. I saw a spirit with a smile so bright it blinded - for it was a radiant smile. The kind of smile that came from deep within it made her honey brown eyes twinkle.

With the memories came a physical thud of pain in my heart and the sting of tears in my eyes. In the haze of hurt, pain, work, self- neglect, the conveyor belt of life and difficulty moving on and forgiving self  - i hadn't noticed how i'd lost myself and became this person i neither recognise nor like. I see myself as i have become and i loathe me. I'm appaled at the ugliness in my spirit, the un-yielding set in my jaw, the stubborn determination in my spine. How can I be angry for so long? When did I become one to deny others some of me without a valid reason - to prove a point? How did i get so ugly? I'm suprised at how cold i've become, how I am able to cage the love that i'm yearning to give, how I can look at another and say  un-kind things without flinching knowing i'm deliberately causing harm. It appals me to realise that I am more than capable of cutting off my nose to spite my face. I'm embarrassed to say that i've come from being one who seeks out the lonely one in the corner to hang out with so they don't feel left out, the one who will hug someone who everyone else says smells, i've come from one who goes out of her way to make sure people feel listened to and relevant to someone who's needy. When did i become needy - and not realise it? How have I become the wall flower in the corner, the smelly one, the one whose heart silently screams 'love me?' When did I become the person who leaves work wishing someone would call me to tell me they know i'm exhausted and just wanted me to know that i am in their thoughts? When did I become the one who needs attention? When did I become so ugly?

As much as i've prayed, wept, prayed some more and determined to let go, i think it's finally happening. It took me seeing push puller one more time to realise that i hadn't actually completely let things go. I honestly thought I had. As i sat watching him smile at me attempting to make conversation, I realised that I had been mean and wicked - and didn't even know it, that scares me. I realised that i had been holding him and myself to super human standards  - how dare  I have been foolish to give someone permission to dougie in and out of my person and how dare he treat me like toilet paper and not even realise how much trauma he had caused. I've told myself many times over, but it was like I was finally hearing it for the first time - yes you fucked up big time, yes he fucked up too but you HAVE to let.this.go. I'd been mean to him - deliberately and passively and I was so ashamed of myself. I am genuinely sorry, i really am so sorry. I looked at him and wondered how I could cause someone pain - deliberately and sit on my high horse not realising i was doing worse than what i'd nailed him to the cross for. He is human, why do i expect him to be infallible?

I'm so sorry for everything - the roller coaster i've put myself through, the hours of turmoil, anger, bitterness and pain. I'm going to have to apologise to him - and I will next time i see him  - so help me God. I have apologised to and finally forgiven myself. It's been long and hard but I think i'm finally there. I don't want the darkness anymore  - i'm exchanging my ashes for beauty. I care no longer whether or not he ever realises, i see it's foolish of me to want an apology, i no longer care for tagging a meaning to how he relates to me - I'm no longer interested for i'm responsible for myself, my thoughts and my actions. I ought not to swing between two extremes the way i've been doing recently.

I think i'm almost there, i'm no longer at risk of catching a cold from the ice in my heart.

Monday, 15 August 2011


I love medicine. As much as I bitch and moan about it, I love the smile on peoples' faces when we fix them. I hate working nights, I absolutely detest working so many weekends and bank holidays. I hate being made to choose between having a life aand being the kinda doctor I want to be.

I didn't go to med school to be a general pracctitioner. Hell, I don't know ANY doctor who went to school to be a general ppractitioner. Not because there's anything wrong with that, more because when you're 15 and applying for medicine you have a picture of figuring out what's wrong with people and fixing them straight away as opposed to passing them on to someone else to fix - which is the fundamental difference between primary and secondary care.

I've ALWAYS wanted to be a consultant in infectious diseases and or HIV medicine. I love it, I always have but by God being in the hospital gets on my tits - especially when I keep clocking 70hour weeks

So now I'm worried that I'm gonna end up doing the professional exams for primary care as opposed to the mrcp. I flatly refuse to not have a life. All my snr docs I've spoken to tell me straight up - it's either primary ccare and a life or seccondary care and none. I want one, I want a family and I want time to be able to enjoy one - I want to sleep in my bed at night, to go on holidays etc

I just feel cheated having to choose between both! So unfair!

I suppose if one doesn't work out I can always re-train - yup, re-do speciality training.

In the mean time november is looming - which is it gonna be? MRCGP or MRCP?

I'm scared - and honestly, perhaps kinda excited to!

We"ll see!


Wednesday, 27 July 2011


I recognise this feeling. It's the one I get when a decision I've taken has a direct and often negative impact on another person.

I'm just about ready to head back up north. My jaunt down south visiting a dear friend has just about run it's course and I've never longed to be in my own space as much as long for home right now. Yes I know I said I'll stay up until the weekend - myopic of me clearly.

As bad as I feel for upsetting a dear friend, I'm still not going to change my mind. I decided a short while ago that I will no longer continually lay myself sacrificially at the altar of 'make everyone else happy but yourself'. It's time I begin to practice what I preach.

Sometimes the girl who's always there for everyone else needs someone to be there for her. This is me right now.

The rate at which I get through bridges, there'll be none left for me to burn very soon.

I hear you calling leeds, mama's almost home

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

scatter brain

Thank you Sting, Myne, Didi and Neefemi for your comments on my previous posts. They were/are very much appreciated

I'm going to be resuming as a senior house officer/SHO/F2/second year intern in a week - i've never disliked my job more

It's getting increasingly difficult to convince myself that I hate it because the first year of any job is often a difficult major adjustment and perhaps it'll get better as i climb the ladder

Another August another session of the devil working through the uk immigration service - threatening to revoke my visa because I changed my e-mail address and didn't tell them? *blank stare*

Everytime I mention that I'm seriously considering a change of career to anyone, they either find it funny or call me loopy, afterall what could be better than being a doctor?....right?

It's a task to try to help peoeple understand what you're going through if they haven't walked in your shoes. It's a lonely place to be.

Why are there never 100% assurances? Must everything be a leap or faith? No one wants to make the wrong move, but what is life without taking chances?

I wonder sometimes if i just need a massive mindset and attitude overall. Kinda like I need to constantly/dilligently see God in everything I do. Will that make things better?

How do I know if all this is a prolonged quarter life crisis or actually a genuine nudging to move on and up?

Because you have a talent for something does not mean that is what you have to do. You will never be truely successful or happy unless you are in the place you were created to be. 

I miss push-puller. I shouldn't. I'm not permitted to. I figured it'll hurt less so many months later - i'm still waiting on that. I'm not mad at him anymore - I suppose that's progress. He's been mad at me since I said I had been avoiding him. Tough - I had to! I deserve to be happy to. He seems blissfully happy with his together.

I'll wait patiently for the one i asked of God - in the meantime - well no one ever died of being lonely

I stopped answering femi's calls since he said to me that his girlfriend would be upset if she knew he was still speaking with me. We broke up a year and 7 months ago - #okaythen

I haven't enjoyed my annual leave as much as i'd hoped to - the joys of being broke

T.D.Jake's 'repositioning yourself - living life without limits' is a suprisingly difficult book to read. All his other books haven't taken me this long to read. It's good nonetheless - forces you to confront issues. He referenced Jim collins 'good to great'. Push-puller's reading that. I was excitedly gonna message him to mention that *rolling my eyes at myself* until i remembered how it takes him no less than an hour or 2 to reply bb messages - that ALWAYS ticks me off. - there was a time he would call/text..oh well..

Mind over matter..mind over matter..mind over you

I know every experience in life serves to make us better, tougher, stronger. Why do they have to be so difficult though? I feel like my heart can't take it anymore

I never used to be a cry-er, hell i didn't even cry at my father's funeral! I feel like i'm slowly unravelling. What happened to strong enitan?

I hear a voice that says I must return to the beginning, to my first love - i'd happily do that if that's the solution to all - i need a satnav though

For now, i must put on my happy face - nothing worse than ruining everyone else's day

*p.s i know i always sound so low, i have bright moments too but i write when i'm unhappy - makes me feel like someone's listening

Friday, 17 June 2011


I want to go home - Haven't been home in 2 years, i'm so damn homesick

I know that if wishes were horses, beggers would ride. Yet, i'm sat here wishing; wishing that I didn't let you encourage me to jump the gun. Now I, things, are so royally fucked up, even if we both wanted to do things right, it's too late

I wish I didn't have this flipping e-portfolio to do

I wish I didn't find my job so tedious sometimes

Would be nice if I didn't hurt myself so badly, 6 months later why the flip am i still here?

Would be nice if you cared

I wish i could erase everything and start all over

I wish I didn't have such a yo-yo emotional personality, always swinging between two extremes - whatever happened to being in the middle?

I wish I didn't act on the urge to go out of my way because of you

Would be nice if I could just man the fuck up and get on with ish..what's with the pity party?

"In the desert was a creature, naked, bestial who squatting upon the ground held his heart in his hand and ate of it. 'Is it sweet my friend?' I asked him; he replied 'It is bitter, but I love it because it is bitter and because it is my heart" - David Crane

I love this poem :)

Monday, 23 May 2011


I'm angry:

With myself for not being over this yet

With myself for having such an expressive face

With myself for my inability to hide my state of mind from everyone

With myself when I find my thoughts straying towards you - still

With myself for being mad at you

At you for doing this to me - deliberately or not, I no longer care

At you for asking me to give my most precious gift to you as if you couldn't comprehend its worth - I suppose you really couldn't

At you for reminding me what loneliness is  - I was blissfully happy in my own company prior to you walking into my life

At myself because i'm lying here listening to the rain fall and thinking about you, wanting you to hold me

At you because you've so royally fucked with my mind and emotions and you don't even seem to know what you've done - and if you do know, you've done a good job if ignoring it

At you because I'm no longer the same person - because i detest who i've become  - because of you

At you and I because i'm still here, trying my best to ride this out all on my own, while your life carries on with your together, seemingly blissfully happy

At you because you're surprised i'm no longer 'myself' around you - how can you not know why?

I'm angry because i'm tearful.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

100 truths

I love doing these, makes me actually think about me! I stole this off M'babazi :)

1. Last beverage → rose  (i can't place dash on the e!) at my friend's birthday last week

2. Last phone call → Kavi- to cheer her up, she's almost done with med school finals:) 
3. Last text message→ From bea, meet up tomorrow! 
4. Last song you listened to→ Can't be friends - trey songz *story of my life
5. Last time you cried→ In my living room, sometime last week. I was fed up with myself. I cry when i'm frustrated.
6. Dated someone twice? → No, I've only dated one person - so far

7. Been cheated on? → No. Yes, i can say that with absolute certainty 

8. Kissed someone? → yes I have. Shouldn't have kissed the last person though 
9. Lost someone special? → Yes, I have. Daddy 
10. Been depressed?→ Gosh yes! Just came up out of an episode actually
11. Been drunk and threw up? →No, i'm too responsible and self aware to drink too much :p
12. Red
13. Purple
16. Made new friends → Yes, since moving up North I have. Quite proud of myself too! 
17. Fallen out of love → No, I didn't fall out of love. It was an educated decision to stop loving 
18. Laughed until you cried →Yep! One of the most exhiliarting things ever!
19. Met someone who changed you → oooh..i won't say change per se, but perhaps influenced me i suppose. I've met someone who caused me to be soo introspective - even worse than i already was! I've also met someone who taught me to be less selfish with my time   
20. Found out who your true friends were → Gosh yeah, would neeeverrr forget that lesson! Harsh, painful but a good lesson to learn   
21. Found out someone was talking about you →No. I'm quite oblivious to things like that   
22. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list → Yes, I shouldn't have. Would have saved myself reams of heart ache and torture.
23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life? ALL. I'm quite selective like that
25. Do you have any pets → No, unfortunately not. I always thought puppy's were cute
26. Do you want to change your name → Gosh no, how i LOVE my name! I make people who can pronounce my name call me my full name :D
27. What did you do for your last birthday →Had my friends over, cooked and had lots of cake and ice-cream. Had a lovely day
28. What time did you wake up today → 7:30
29. What were you doing at midnight last night → getting into bed i think
30. Name something you CANNOT wait for → CAN'T wait to get a car! I want a corsa..oh and i'm patiently waiting to love someone and be loved right back :)
31. Last time you saw your father→ In the spring of the year he died * I smile everytime i remember that. He got in the cab and said he'll see me in the autumn. He never did. Incorrigible that father of mine! :) *
32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → I wish I never met and got involved with the last person i did. I cannot begin to explain the turmoil and unhappiness and just plain misery i've been through and still going through. stooopid stoopid stooopid. Some experiences are unnecessary i say, learn from others'! 
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → LOL! yes, my driving instructor is Tom. I lurrrve him! :)
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? → Myself. I'm fed up with hurting, but i suppose i gotta ride it out
35. Most visited webpage → err, I suppose i spend a lotta time on youtube 
36. What’s your name→ I'm gonna stick with Enitan. It is my name, but not my first name
37. Nicknames →Varies depends on who's calling me. My favourite is my dad's for me : marina. He always said i'd fetch him some good money if he sold me off at the marina if he ever got broke :) aww, i love my daddy!
38. Relationship Status → Single and for the second time in my life want to be in a relationship. Patiently waiting and working on myself in the mean time, oh and trying to get over the mess that i created
39. Zodiac sign → Pisces. It's scary how the descriptions pisces is sooo like me!
40. Male or female or transgendered → female
41. Primary → St Leo's catholic primary school
42.Middle School→Lagos state model college Igbonla
43. High school → Same as above
44. Hair color → black
45. Long/medium/short → medium afro :)
46. Height → somewhere around 160cm
47. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yes - unfortunately *rolling my eyes*. I.WILL.GET.OVER.IT. I.MUST.GET.OVER.IT.!
48. What do you like about yourself? → I like that I care about people and I remember details they won't expect me to remember
49. Piercings → Ears only
50. Tattoos → awww, i REALLY REALLY want a tatoo! Right above my left latera malleolus. I always lust after other peoples' tatts! 
 51. Righty or lefty → Righty. Very righty, i mean I put my right arm and legs in my clothes first. I start my make up on the right side of my face! LOL
52. First surgery → None thankfully
53. First piercing → ears ,as a baby. One dost not remember :p
54. First best friends → Truly: mariya. Met in a-levels. Still close to my heart to this day :) 
55. First sport you joined → badminton
56. First pet → never owned one. My mum didn't allow it :(
57. First vacation → To Edinburgh earlier this year. Had a beautiful time :) 
58. First concert → delirious? in brighton
59. First crush → Opeyemi. He gets on my nerves now, such a whiny fellow! Only had one crush since then..the current one. No, i didn't have a crush on the ex. I liked him and took the plunge :p 
60. Eating → Nothing, too lazy to go get ice-cream i'm craving from the fridge lol
61. Drinking → Water
62. Already missing → my bed man! long day!
63. I’m about to → turn my heater on. A bit chilly
64. Listening to → Joyce Meyer teach about learning lessons and not running away from goliaths in life
65. Thinking about → how the flesh suffers when it doesn't get it's way. Also thinking about a friend's health but i'm not gonna pick up the phone to ask because I don't want to appear like i've been thinking about said friend and because i'm doing my best to get over said friend..childish much?

66. Waiting for → This phase of my life to be over!
67. Want kids? → Certainly, two maybe three max :)
68. Want to get married? → Gosh yeah, most certainly. I want to be in a loving committed relationship. I've got soo much love to give! 
69. Careers in mind → I already have a career, question is do i want to follow it through?
70. Lips or eyes → I'm a sucker for beautiful piercing eyes 

71. Hugs or kisses →HUGS! oh gosh hugs! Nothing makes me feel more loved :)

72. Shorter or taller → Taller is fine but whatever, don't care that much 

73. Older or Younger →preferrably older, but hey..love comes in different packages

74. Romantic or spontaneous →oooh, hard. but i'd go with spontaneous! 

75. Nice stomach or nice arms → LOL. Arms, i respond a lot to touch :)

76. Sensitive or loud → There's room for both! 

77. Hook-up or relationship →Relationship! I dare not say hook up after the mess i'm in!

78. Trouble maker or hesitant→neither joh
79. Drank hard liquor → Yep!

80. Lost glasses/contacts →I've lost count of the number of glasses i've lost. I mean, how do you loose a pair of glasses?!

81. Had sex on 1st date → No. Still waiting on that hehehe

82. Broken someone’s heart → Yes. I still get a pang of pain and guilt everytime i think about it

83. Had your own heart broken → Yeah, but perhaps i'd say hurt on a huge level as opposed to heart broken. Hurts like a mofo man!

84. Been arrested → Nah

85. Turned someone down → Yes, gently of course :)

86. Cried when someone died →No, I seem to cry only when i'm frustrated

87. Liked a friend that of the same sex? → Not like that nah, hehe
88. Yourself → I believe in the God through me and that He empowers me to prosper in anything i lay my hands on 

89. Miracles → Damn straight. I believe in the God i serve

90. Love at first sight → That's a fable. Love's a decision. Lust, infatuation, attraction, chemistry, interest on first sight yes. N0t love

91. Heaven →Most certainly

92. Santa Clause → Not since i realised Nigerian homes didn't have chimneys lol!

93. Kiss on the first date? → Never done that. Most likely will not do that.

94. Angels → YES
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → YES, so badly! But I cannot. I will not.

97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → No, i'm a monogamous soul

98. Wish you could change things in your past? →  yeah, but what to do? Ignoring the things in the past and pressing on ahead man

99. Are you posting this as 100 Truths? → Yes

100. Where are you right now?At home, on my couch, my spot :D

Thursday, 5 May 2011


Twitter is where I vent

But I can't express how much I hate that I miss you

It's a one step forward two steps back situation

I remember why I miss you and curse myself for bringing this upon myself

But what's the use in lying to myself?

They say acceptance is the first step towards healing

But I can't express this in 140 characters or less

Because you'll see it..and i'd be damned if I ever let you know that I miss you

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Emotional Lability

a.k.a emotional incontinence refers to a neurologic disorder characterized by involuntary crying or uncontrollable episodes of crying and/or laughing, or other emotional displays. PBA occurs secondary to neurologic disease or brain injury. Patients may find themselves crying uncontrollably at something that is only moderately sad, being unable to stop themselves for several minutes. Episodes may also be mood-incongruent: a patient might laugh uncontrollably when angry or frustrated, for example...as explained by wikipedia :)

 I feel quite incontinent of my emotions right now, which suprises and displeases me. It all began when a friend expressed their displeasure at my turning up late for an appointment. I'm not an african time kinda person, it irritates me to hell. In my head I know and understand that 1) it wasn't my fault I was late as I was kept waiting by another 2) I shouldn't let someone else's feelings affect me so deeply 3) I should let it go, I apologised a number of times and she quit being upset from the get go anyway

I've come to realise, rather alarmingly,  that I care perhaps a bit too much about how I'm perceived. Of course it's okay to have a degree of self awareness but when did i morph into this person whose countenance changes because of the worry and care of what other(s) think and feel toward/about me?

I feel so destabilised and i don't like it. I hear myself using the word 'feel' an obscence number of times. I know that what you feel and what you know are two different entities and that what you feel is affected positively or otherwise by what you think. I know this..yet, here i am writing a blog post about how i 'feel'. Jeez, I thought I was over this by now. I really do feel like i'm regressing and i'm having to re-learn so many lessons again.

This prolonged emotional rigmarole has left me feeling so raw, naked, exposed and small. I don't like not being in control, i don't like not knowing how people who are important to me feel or think about me. Oh to be a mind reader! I desperately want to withdraw, quietly into a corner somewhere but i shouldn't and i can't.

I've put myself way out there now, it'll be so noticeable if i do that and questions will be asked. I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to put on a everything-is-fine, i-got-everything-under-control front. cuz everything isn't fine and everything isn't under control. The burden's heavy and i've found myself in a i-want-someone-in-my-life-to-help-with-this. I don't like that. Where did God and self sufficient enitan go? I seem to have become this person I don't recognise without my knowledge or consent.

daughter-sister-friend-counselor-doctor-adult-ex-side chic-enitan. I think i'm running on empty

physician heal thyself? One dost expect a bit much from oneself it would seem

Que sera sera

Saturday, 23 April 2011

?unwritten rules

Is there a specific amount of time somewhere in the unwritten book of social etiquette that should elapse after which exes are allowed not to feel bad about dating someone else?

I mean, it's been a year and a four months. I had to wonder why the ex came across as apologetic and a tad bit shy to admit that he is ?kinda seeing someone. I mean i figured, when he mentioned he went to a couple of spots we used to like to hit back in the day. I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't have gone on his own.

I wish he'd free himself. I also wish he didn't say she was as pretty as me. How dare he? NO ONE is prettier than me! :D :D

Anyway, I'm glad he's moving on. Makes me feel less of a witch.

In other news, I've made the decision to stop berating myself. The torture i put myself through is unbearable sometimes. I mean, why pay penance EVERY time I do something stupid? That's what forgiveness and easter is all about right?

I just fail to understand how i KNOWINGLY do foolish things though! I mean, i weigh the options, I understand the consequences, I KNOW that i'll only be hurting myself and yet, i still go ahead to do it! WHY? I do stuff, hurt myself big time and then have trouble forgiving myself and mega trouble moving on off from there

Why am i having trouble with this one issue? I've been through a truck load of ish in my life and managed to get over the mountains and learn the lessons. So why's this any different? Why does this feel like i've learnt the lesson but i'm still stuck on the same bloody conveyor belt? I suppose i haven't taken myself to the bottom of the barrel yet abi? I hate hate hate that my will is so weak! I used to be able to practice head over flesh every time! But now? I suppose now my soul is fat and lazy and my spirit weak and unfed..I feel like God is mad at me. Any why shouldn't he be? I mean what is the explanation or the excuse for what i've done? *sigh*

I have a lot to forgive myself for. Do i wish i could rewind time? I'm not decided on that. Afterall how do we learn other than mistakes and experience? But some mistakes and experiences i'd rather do without mehnn.. I need a new baptism i swear

In yet some more news, I pondered this today It is true that we are responsible for our actions and in a way, we are to be blamed for the consequences of the decisions we make right? I belong to the school of thought that the other party is not to be blamed when we feel bad for ish that we decided to do - foolishly, ignorantly or otherwise. but then again.. okay lemme use this analogy:

person A has something person B wants. Person A knows that giving it to person B isn't the smartest thing to do, yet gives it to person B anyway. Person B knowing that they won't be able to guard it properly takes it anyway because it was offered.

Now clearly, person A is a bit of a numpty for giving it, but is person B to answer for accepting?My knee jerk reaction is to put the blame solely on person A, ahh i dunno!

I need a shrink..clearly :)

Sunday, 17 April 2011


I had an epiphany on my way to work today! It literally felt like lighting struck me between my eyes! :D

What's been bugging me all week, why i've felt like turd of week. I finally put a finger on it! It's REJECTION! I was so suprised I actually laughed out loud!

I suppose I shouldn't be suprised, afterall why do i expect myself to recognise and deal with something i've never had to go through before?

I admit, I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to feel, what to do, what not to do. In my head, I can rationalise it to the detail. I'm a very head-over-emotions kind of girl and so this is unfamiliar territory to me and i'm struggling. Really struggling.

It doesn't help that : a) this is all my fault and I keep berating myself over and over again whenever the hurt sears through my heart - which is so very often  and b) I can't talk about it properly to the one person I can because then i'd have to confess and admit the foolishness that I did and she'll be so disappointed in me, I couldn't bear one more thing right now

So i suppose i've built a cage and trapped myself in it and i don't know how to get out of it. It's overwhelming, and i'm actually quite fed up of going round in circles. I'm hurting - yes. I was suprised to realise it feels like my heart is broken. I've had a broken heart once - took me just over a year to heal. I'm alarmed that it feels like my heart is broken and terrified of having to go through the long painful process of healing - on my own.

My physiological response to stress is to withdraw - isolate myself. Not a good physiological response - it worsens the blackness. But i'm tired of putting on a brave face and a cheery smile. I'm tired of being happy when i'm not really joyful. I'm tired of having to act like all's okay in my world when it really isn't.

I've been fighting the isolation and just stressing myself even further. On the wand hand I want to curl up in a ball somewhere and just fade into oblivion for a little while. On the other hand, I want people to care and let me be weak. But my head asks me a) how i expect that to happen when they know nothing of what's going on b) i'm seeking attention

On this occassion, gritting my teeth and plowing through it isn't working. It doesn't help that i'm day 7 on call with 5 more to go. Yes i know my vulnerability increases the more physically tired i am. Truthfully i'm more mentally and certainly emotionally exhausted.

Gosh, such a mixed bag of contradictions I am. A big bear hug and a good cry would probably go some way in helping.

For now, I need to stop wishing and go to bed. Afterall, If wishes were horses, beggars would ride

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

You'll not know..

You cannot be mad at me for cooling towards you

You cannot be upset with me because i'm seemingly indifferent

You do not know the half of what I've been through and how strong i'm being to get to this here place

You cannot expect me to be in the same place, waiting for the dregs you throw my way

You, surely, must know that i'm worth more than second best

You must understand that it hurts to be treated as such. Not your fault though, afterall one's treated the way one presents herself

You know, i'm sure, that I deserve more than that and have every right to be ontothenextone like i determined to do

You will never ever know how much strength and discipline this is costing me

You asked me, admittedly in a different context, how i happen to be so strong - I'm not. You'll never know the half of it

You know nothing of how hard it is on me to forgive myself. I'm really not THAT person

You most certainly will know nothing of my glorious vulnerability because i'll not let you see that - to what end?

You will not know many things

You certainly have no right to be upset.

Sunday, 20 March 2011


It would have been okay if we were together, but we're not - and you're 'together' with someone else

It would not be okay if you were 'un-together' with said someone else and 'togethered' with me as much as i long for that because i'll question the basis

It would have to be alright, you would have to understand why i'm cutting you off. It's like attempting to take the proverbial pound of flesh without spilling a drop of blood

It would have been better if this never begun, but shit happened - i allowed shit to happen.

I would have to journey the road towards forgiving myself, and as often as the thought of blaming you for chasing relentlessly after me comes, i can't blame you because

It would have been a different story if i didn't give in to your relentless overtures. I was weak and allowed vulnerability to get the better of me. foolish.

It will have to end because i'm catching feelings..i learnt a little while ago that i'm incapable of dissociating my body from the rest of me

I will have to refuse your offering me your body, that i can do without: i want your mind, your thoughts, your journey, i want your heart

I'm letting go, i've hurt myself enough already. No, i refuse to blame you this is all on me. Afterall, I should have known better

So goodbye, i'll do my best to stop comparing myself to your 'together' and telling myself that i'm better than her and better with you in more ways than one - my arrogance is nauseating

Perhaps in the next life..perhaps.

Monday, 28 February 2011

*no title*

'Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, does not mean they do not love you the best way they know how'

This quote struck something within me when I saw it hours ago, and I still haven't been able to forget it.It judges me *I suppose I ought to say I've let it judge me*


Friday, 25 February 2011


24! chaii, the number's heavy in my mouth! LOL. I'm actually finding it really difficult to wrap my head around the fact that i'm 24 now! Good grief, where'd all the time go?

I had THE most wonderful birthday yesterday, without a doubt. The sun came out to play for the first time in while, it was warm and i got to leave work after lunch! It doesn't take much to please me. :)

Thoroughly enjoyed having friends over in the evening, i really did have a fantastic time. I'm chuffed that people think highly enough of me to come out :)

I'm sat here an hour past midnight reflecting on the day and boy, have i come a long way! Thank the good Lord.

If there's one thing i've learned it's that time, in my case a year, makes a broken heart hurt less as each day goes by.

I've learned that I'm incapable of dissociating mind/emotions from body. I tried it #epicfail. And so i'll sit here, reflect some more and beat myself over and over again,  until i get the message: if someone does not belong to you, LEAVE.WELL.ALONE. You'll only end uo hurting yourself. Kai, but i've been silly sha!

Talk about falling your own hand! I'm tayyad - i'm going back inside jare, enough of exploring other sides to life. Comfortable may be boring, but at least it's comfortable.

I've learned not to ignore feelings - yes i've mastered ruling myself and my feelings with an iron rod, but life'll be a lot less colourful if i carry on with the gaddaffi-like governance

I've learned how to enjoy life - regardless of external circumstances

Above all, i've learned that i musn't give myself so completely and freely to one who's not able to return the favour. I'd only hurt myself and nurse my wounds solo, because i was dumb enough to ignore the overriding externuating circumstances *smh at myself* mschewww

I'm gonna pick up the pieces of my life and take my own advice: I'm going to begin my 24th year as I mean to carry on. No.more.

I think about dad a lot more frequently now. Irrespective of my less than laudable choices pappy, i know you're proud of me. I miss that you're no longer here.

Happy new year to me.

Saturday, 5 February 2011


1. I think i'm finally ready to be in a relationship. I don't know how or when that happened, despite my fighting it ferociously, I have to admit it. I want to and i'm ready to try again.

2. I think about my ex-boyfriend a lot. A LOT. I wonder how he is and fight the urge to call/e-mail/text everyday. We broke up exactly 13 months ago. He was my first boyfriend.

3. I can't bear this crush I have on an unavailable gentle-man. It annoys me that it bothers me whenever i see him with his 'unofficial girlfriend'. Yeah, bullshit much.

4. I always wonder what career option i'd pursue if i gave up my current one. I think about it a lot, alarmingly. I'm in desperate need for motivation.

5. I experienced an epiphany recently : i'm not certain that I want to be what i always thought i want to be.

6. I finally want to learn how to cook. Because i want to. Not because people tell me i need to learn how to cook to please/keep a man.

7. I've been suicidal recently. I got so overwhelmed I was pre-occupied with thoughts of self harm. I now understand how people harm themselves as a cry for help. I tweeted most of my dark feelings and thoughts at the time and i see how friends mistake cries for help as eccentricity.

8. I'm sick to death of being asked to be in a relationship by people who don't understand my need to be some sort of friends first. How do you speak with me for the first time and tell me i'm beautiful and that you're in love with me and demand that I give you an answer immediately? I mean what the fuck?

9. I want to go home. I miss home. I miss my daddy and the heat.

10. When all is said and done, we are left on our lonesome with nothing but thoughts and memories.

11. Life is difficult.

Sunday, 30 January 2011

the irony

Dammmnnnnn you Enitan for liking a guy that's unavailable!!

Took me exactly a year after my (first) break-up and then i go and get stuck on someone who's not available! That'll teach me..

so yeah, damnnnn you to blazes!


Monday, 24 January 2011

no more me

I resent the fact that I hate my life right now, not least because i cannot justify that. On paper, life's good, not a single thing to mumur about actually. I don't even want to write about it, that's how shit i feel right now.

I don't know how I've managed to find myself so empty - yet again! Surrounded by so many people, yet so alone. I've learnt this lesson, mastered the curriculum - 'emotions are fickle and must not be allowed to define who you are. Change your situation by changing your words and therefore your thoughts'. I've aced that class numerous times - yet, here i find mysel again.

I suppose hating my job doesnt help. Today I expressed how disappointing it is to come to the realisation that you perhaps do not want to be everything you thought you always wanted to be, everything you've worked so hard for and sacrificed so much for.

I hate that I'm in such a state of mind. I hate that I don't care. I hate that for the first time today I wasn't interested in my patient and that I was palpably cold towards them. I hate that I resent the bureaucracy that makes my job so difficult. I hate all the boxes I have to tick to prove that i am what i'm not in order to progress to the next bullshit phase of the job.

I resent that fact that I've been procastinating so much, i haven't done anything because i'm in such a black state of mind. I'm not pleased that when i'm in such a state I pull back from the world and don't return calls or messages when the one thing i need, the one thing i want is a big bear hug and the assurance that everything will be alright. Surely it will be, it always is in the end.

I hate that I long for what and who I cannot have. I especially hate that I'm compelled to keep doing life the way i don't want to do it. I don't want to do this, i know that now. I don't want to be here, i know that now. Yet, I feel so trapped, so caged in and i see myself lashing out.

In a bid to be helpful someone asked me today, 'what makes you happy?'. I heaved a sigh of defeat when i couldn't even answer that. I've been doing what I have to do for so long now, i can't find Enitan anymore. She's lost in translation somewhere.

I hate that I don't know what to do to fix this. I don't like me like this. Unhappy, sad, unfufilled, alone, lonely and mostly just flipping tired. Just tired. I just wanna sleep. Lie in oblivion for a very long time. I don't want to have to keep fighting this and fighting through life on my own, by myself..i've run out of me. There is no more me.

I wondered today - how much of this is the effect of external pressure as opposed to how much is my reaction to said external pressure. I know what i need to do - in my head..I need to shake it off, quit the pity party and step to it. I know, i.just.can't. I have no more fight left in me. White flag's been hoisted up.


Friday, 7 January 2011

nothing serious

Girl in a 'nothing serious' state of mind

Boy in a 'nothing deep' state of mind

Girl meets boy, boy meets girl, they hang

Girl, while still in a 'nothing serious' state of mind, gets miffed about feeling like a jump- off

Girl is tripping/on a long ting?