empty

Why am I totally emotionless at the news that a friend most very very very likely has lymphoma? I'm so very blergh about it, I actually have no feelings about this..

I feel sorrier for the mongoose being torn apart by wild dogs on nat geo playing in my background than i feel for my friend who's alone in hospital with the fear that she probably has cancer

Relationships do NOT come naturally - at least not to me. I have a degree in being temporarily happy and then succumbing to the most overwhelming feeling of entrapment and the unrelenting need to run, hide out under a cave somewhere and just never come up for air ever again

Sometimes I wish for armageddon, rapture, end of the world, whatever it's called these days, I get so weary of earth, of life.

I cannnot.

what ifs

'what if I don't relocate?' 


Is the question that's been reverberating in my mind for well over a week - well over a week and more loudly so since I desperately asked for some clarification. I've always wanted to ask and have been procrastinating for ages. Now i'm kinda like it'd look like a knee jerk reaction to the events that happened on Sunday, obviously I know it's not. He doesn't.

No there's nothing wrong - absolutely nothing wrong. 6 days to the 3 month mark and the good old monster rears its head. I'm convinced something happened in my past life to make me this way - completely incapable of being plural. I have no other explanation.

There's nothing more desperately distressing than indecisiveness and trying to make decisions based on information you don't have.

Why now? Why didn't I ask this earlier? I dunno, I actually don't know but it has been bugging me for ages, I suppose more so because this agreement was established on the premise that this relocation will happen. I'm like err, so what if I don't go - and you clearly aren't coming (we had this conversation) then err, what are we doing? Evidently I have a PhD in ruining peoples' lives.

Truth, I've been bent on relocating for a few months now, but what if i don't? I'm here until at least early next year anyway and I do have a 3 year training programme  - all things being equal by God's grace as nothing's set in stone.

The obvious response to this is what if i do?

Somehow I always manage to get caught up in drama..#sigh