Because sometimes, 'i love you' isn't enough

I'm sat, indulging in Nat Geo Wild when I ought to be buried in respiratory medicine. My mind wonders over to my lover 5280kilometers away and I breathe a prayer:

'Dear God, please show him and help him understand just how much I love him and I'm in love with him, because the words 'I love you' just aren't enough to convey where I am and what I feel and just how much he has my heart.'

Yesterday I confessed that I love where we are. 15months into our relationship i'm thoroughly welcoming and enjoying the i'm-so-in-love-with-my-boyfriend stage. It's a never before experience stage for me and i'm so open to experiencing it completely. I'm at that listening to love songs, spontaneous smiling and giggles, never enough conversation time beautiful place.

Yet underneath all of that, i love our slow burn. I love that after 14months of gruelling distance, we're here, growing stronger and excitedly more in love with each other than ever before. I love that we have a better understanding of who we are and what we want. I love our connection. I love us and i'm very excited about the future. I don't know what's going to be in it, but as long as you're in it, i'm home.

conflict

Sometimes, it's not what you say. it's what you don't say

It's the unheard 'i love yous', the unspoken 'i want to be with you' the lack of 'you're the one i love' because you see, like i've said a million times before, people receive love in seperate ways. I'm a 100% words of affirmation person, so when i don't receive any verbal feedback, i find myself wondering if i'm wasting my time and if i should give other people a chance, because afterall, i remain unfulfilled and empty.

Words cost nothing, but mean the whole world. I'm not asking for expensive shinny things - i accept that you're not there yet and i'm willing to give a pass on that. But what does it cost to throw in a couple of i love you's every so often?

So i throw a tantrum and ask you to pull your weight. Be a guy, be MY guy. I don't want to do all the work, i'm tired. I say it all the time, i lead every other area of my life, i don't want to be in the driving seat of a relationship with you. You're the man, set the tone and i'll follow.

So when i pull away, and you don't come after me, is it strange to you that i get upset? Because if you can't chase me now, you won't chase me in the future. Women need to be chased aka feel wanted. If you don't show me you want me, then you don't and i best get to stepping. Afterall, it's not like i put you through the mill before we started dating. It was easy, you asked straight up i said yes - no drama, no 'fronting'. I still sometimes feel a pinch of regret about that because you behave like you don't know what you have in your hands, and when you don't know to make gestures and effort now, i wonder if it's because i've let you get lazy. I've let you not the guy.

But i fight fair, i can be mad at you and put that aside if something comes up that requires sorting out. But you? Under the guise of we're not talking, you kept information that you KNOW was pertinent, you casually throw a : oh while we weren't talking, i was near death's door, but you weren't talking to me so why would i tell you? and i'm like ermm okay, are we being spiteful now? Are we deliberately hurting each other now? Are you now in the business of wringing tears out of me? Alright then.

Because i don't understand why you can't understand that i just want you to want me. And if you don't, that's fine too.  Just let me know where you're at.

Use your words, please.

Allow me

Allow me smart from the sharp sting of disappointment from expectations i didn't even know i held

Allow me to spend my day fighting back tears and clinging on to hope's coattails, for reasons i'm yet to understand myself

Allow me to feel a fool for being incredibly upset over something my head didn't realise my heart wanted

Allow me punish myself because i feel stupid for wanting something i'd told you i didn't want - because i genuinely did not, until i realised that maybe i did

Allow me pay penance for wanting more. In my head and my usual rational head space, it is enough, we are enough, what we have is beautiful. So when i find myself wanting more, i feel like this will make you feel like you're not enough - when in truth you are. So allow me pay penance

Allow me stew for yearning for all i ever wanted and all i never had. Let me stew in the foolishness of my feelings. My feelings that got hurt over what shouldn't even matter. My feelings that told me that i'm not worth enough for you for you to bother to make an effort, when i've told you time and time again, that i need that to feel loved. I need the gestures, i need to see the thought behind the effort. I KNOW my feelings are fickle, and in this case wrong,but allow me stew in the funk i'm in for allowing the feelings in the first place.

Allow me to be confused, to hurt, to cry, to feel ashamed, vulnerable  and incredibly foolish all the same time and please allow me keep it from you. For above all else, I don't want you to see this me, this weak me. I promise that when i'm done, i'll find my way back to you. If you'll only wait for me, i'll find my way back home - like i always do.

Seasons

Life is in seasons. The leaves fall, the winds change. The flowers bloom, the sun blazes. Seasons come and seasons go.

I find myself in another growing season. Smack in the middle of a lesson. It's stretching me and my joints hurt, but I know it's for my good. The season of milk is over, it's time to learn to eat some meat. The wonderful thing about God is that though he slays you, He also binds up your wounds. He's stretching me but also giving me sufficient grace to sit this test.

Waiting has never been my strong suit. My type A need to control every situation in my life personality clashes so painfully against the uncertainty of tomorrow. My desperate need to get a move on and set balls rolling is hurting so badly as I'm forced to sit and just.wait.

Waiting is not a talent, it's a necessity of life, you don't have a choice. How you wait is the test of maturity. I've faltered and had so many false starts, but I'm still here telling God I trust Him.

He gave me a few words. He reminded me that He will perfect that which He has started in me. Tonight, He reminded me that though it tarries, it will come. It will come, not a minute later than intended.

I found psalm 86. It's THE psalm to pray when you don't know how or what to pray anymore. It's a beautiful psalm that helps you pour your heart out to God. It's just beautiful. I've taken to praying it. It's like the psalmist reaches deep into my soul and draws the words I don't know how to speak out.

Though it tarries, it will come. I've let go of the fear. I've been so desperate to get a move on because I was afraid that if I didn't, that which I cherish will leave me, be taken away from me. But God reminded me. He asked me a question:

God: "this relationship you have that you cherish so much and protect so jealously, that you are afraid of losing, did I not give it to you?"

Me: "yes father, you did"

God: "so, if I voluntarily gave it to you, will I not also protect it? Will I not see that no harm comes to it? Why do you feel the need to protect something divinely given with your human power? It's like the people the apostle chastised, they received salvation by grace and now try to keep it by the works of the flesh"

Me: "I'm sorry father"

God: "I will perfect that which concerneth you. My plans for you are to a good end"

God is amazing. He's beyond gracious to me. I'm learning, we're learning.

Casting all my cares on Him. His blessings make rich and adds no sorrow. He speaks, one just needs to be still enough to listen and hear.

I'm convinced that He loves me and hears my prayers. This is the year of God's rest, for me and mine.

And so I wait. I love le boy. I mean, when I found myself constantly covering him in prayer, rejoicing at his good news and supporting in times of the not-so-good, I had to admit I more than like him. I'll tell him, after he tells me first :-p. I'm still a girl abeg, and I like, and need, my man to lead :D

Several signs and confirmations God's given me in response to me asking, I'm keeping close to my chest for now. There's a time and season for everything afterall.

For now, I'll joyfully stay in class until this lesson is over and look forward to the next stage. It'll be wonderful! I can't wait!

Here's me kicking back and doing my thing, while I let my Father do His.

:-)
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Batty

In 24hours i've gone from blissful solitude to tearful to scared to pissed off to being angry for no apparent reason

If that's not batty, i don't know what is.


I told the boy he feels like a stranger to me, has been since yesterday. Feels like we can't have a bloody conversation anymore and i blame instant messaging. I don't know what i'm more mad about - the fact that we can't seem to have a proper chat like we normally do or the fact that he didn't seem to notice and i had to bring it up.


I think i just miss him and i feel like i need him to not be so comfortable with an IM relationship - because i sure as hell am not


The rational me says i should go apologise. I just want to curl in a ball and cry.


I dreamt about my dad today - i haven't dreamt about him in so long. We were at home and he went to make himself a plate of pounded yam and retired to bed, lol.  So odd. I prayed for God to bless and have mercy on him :)

Issues - i clearly have them

need me, want me

'I've had such an awful day because you've not been in it, i've missed you so much'

Something in me clicks and rebels whenever i hear this or a variation of it.

On the surface of it, it's such a lovely thing to hear and it ought to make me feel all cuddly and warm inside..right?

On the contrary! I don't like it AT ALL. I hear that and all i immediately think is no! no!! no!!

I feel like - Surely, you have something to do with your self, with your time, with your life other than me?! I immediately feel overwhelmed and unable to breathe because i'm feeling like - i can't be the be all and end all of someone's life!

Missing me is one thing, yes - not doing anything other than miss me all day smacks of having nothing to do to distract yourself, switch your focus, change the direction of your thoughts and i dont like that - it makes me feel so overwhelmed! So - 'i'm not joined to you at the hip'

I don't want to be needed.

want me - yes, by all means please. That's infinitely pleasurable

need me - no thank you. I'm not a lifeline.



arghh this is all rambly and makes no sense

Fell in love with a boy

I fell in love with a boy;

with his kind heart and warm spirit.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his sense of humour and his brand of sarcasm.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his smile and listening ears.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his ambition and perserverance.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his ability to identify what he wants and determination to get it.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his praying spirit and his moral compass.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his love for fiction and his awareness of the supernatural.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his respect for life and passion to effect change.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his dogged refusal to bow to peer pressure.

I fell in love with a boy;

with a mind of his own and willingness to learn and be taught.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his bright smile and ready laugh.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his rough hands that feel just right against my skin

with his strong arms that make me feel everything will be okay

with the depth in the pools in his eyes and the uncertainty in them when he's shy and unsure.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his ready apology when either of us have sinned

with his allowing me to be myself 100% of the time

with his being 100% with me all of the time.

I fell in love with a boy and for the first time, i'm okay with that.