Because sometimes, 'i love you' isn't enough

I'm sat, indulging in Nat Geo Wild when I ought to be buried in respiratory medicine. My mind wonders over to my lover 5280kilometers away and I breathe a prayer:

'Dear God, please show him and help him understand just how much I love him and I'm in love with him, because the words 'I love you' just aren't enough to convey where I am and what I feel and just how much he has my heart.'

Yesterday I confessed that I love where we are. 15months into our relationship i'm thoroughly welcoming and enjoying the i'm-so-in-love-with-my-boyfriend stage. It's a never before experience stage for me and i'm so open to experiencing it completely. I'm at that listening to love songs, spontaneous smiling and giggles, never enough conversation time beautiful place.

Yet underneath all of that, i love our slow burn. I love that after 14months of gruelling distance, we're here, growing stronger and excitedly more in love with each other than ever before. I love that we have a better understanding of who we are and what we want. I love our connection. I love us and i'm very excited about the future. I don't know what's going to be in it, but as long as you're in it, i'm home.

conflict

Sometimes, it's not what you say. it's what you don't say

It's the unheard 'i love yous', the unspoken 'i want to be with you' the lack of 'you're the one i love' because you see, like i've said a million times before, people receive love in seperate ways. I'm a 100% words of affirmation person, so when i don't receive any verbal feedback, i find myself wondering if i'm wasting my time and if i should give other people a chance, because afterall, i remain unfulfilled and empty.

Words cost nothing, but mean the whole world. I'm not asking for expensive shinny things - i accept that you're not there yet and i'm willing to give a pass on that. But what does it cost to throw in a couple of i love you's every so often?

So i throw a tantrum and ask you to pull your weight. Be a guy, be MY guy. I don't want to do all the work, i'm tired. I say it all the time, i lead every other area of my life, i don't want to be in the driving seat of a relationship with you. You're the man, set the tone and i'll follow.

So when i pull away, and you don't come after me, is it strange to you that i get upset? Because if you can't chase me now, you won't chase me in the future. Women need to be chased aka feel wanted. If you don't show me you want me, then you don't and i best get to stepping. Afterall, it's not like i put you through the mill before we started dating. It was easy, you asked straight up i said yes - no drama, no 'fronting'. I still sometimes feel a pinch of regret about that because you behave like you don't know what you have in your hands, and when you don't know to make gestures and effort now, i wonder if it's because i've let you get lazy. I've let you not the guy.

But i fight fair, i can be mad at you and put that aside if something comes up that requires sorting out. But you? Under the guise of we're not talking, you kept information that you KNOW was pertinent, you casually throw a : oh while we weren't talking, i was near death's door, but you weren't talking to me so why would i tell you? and i'm like ermm okay, are we being spiteful now? Are we deliberately hurting each other now? Are you now in the business of wringing tears out of me? Alright then.

Because i don't understand why you can't understand that i just want you to want me. And if you don't, that's fine too.  Just let me know where you're at.

Use your words, please.

Allow me

Allow me smart from the sharp sting of disappointment from expectations i didn't even know i held

Allow me to spend my day fighting back tears and clinging on to hope's coattails, for reasons i'm yet to understand myself

Allow me to feel a fool for being incredibly upset over something my head didn't realise my heart wanted

Allow me punish myself because i feel stupid for wanting something i'd told you i didn't want - because i genuinely did not, until i realised that maybe i did

Allow me pay penance for wanting more. In my head and my usual rational head space, it is enough, we are enough, what we have is beautiful. So when i find myself wanting more, i feel like this will make you feel like you're not enough - when in truth you are. So allow me pay penance

Allow me stew for yearning for all i ever wanted and all i never had. Let me stew in the foolishness of my feelings. My feelings that got hurt over what shouldn't even matter. My feelings that told me that i'm not worth enough for you for you to bother to make an effort, when i've told you time and time again, that i need that to feel loved. I need the gestures, i need to see the thought behind the effort. I KNOW my feelings are fickle, and in this case wrong,but allow me stew in the funk i'm in for allowing the feelings in the first place.

Allow me to be confused, to hurt, to cry, to feel ashamed, vulnerable  and incredibly foolish all the same time and please allow me keep it from you. For above all else, I don't want you to see this me, this weak me. I promise that when i'm done, i'll find my way back to you. If you'll only wait for me, i'll find my way back home - like i always do.

Seasons

Life is in seasons. The leaves fall, the winds change. The flowers bloom, the sun blazes. Seasons come and seasons go.

I find myself in another growing season. Smack in the middle of a lesson. It's stretching me and my joints hurt, but I know it's for my good. The season of milk is over, it's time to learn to eat some meat. The wonderful thing about God is that though he slays you, He also binds up your wounds. He's stretching me but also giving me sufficient grace to sit this test.

Waiting has never been my strong suit. My type A need to control every situation in my life personality clashes so painfully against the uncertainty of tomorrow. My desperate need to get a move on and set balls rolling is hurting so badly as I'm forced to sit and just.wait.

Waiting is not a talent, it's a necessity of life, you don't have a choice. How you wait is the test of maturity. I've faltered and had so many false starts, but I'm still here telling God I trust Him.

He gave me a few words. He reminded me that He will perfect that which He has started in me. Tonight, He reminded me that though it tarries, it will come. It will come, not a minute later than intended.

I found psalm 86. It's THE psalm to pray when you don't know how or what to pray anymore. It's a beautiful psalm that helps you pour your heart out to God. It's just beautiful. I've taken to praying it. It's like the psalmist reaches deep into my soul and draws the words I don't know how to speak out.

Though it tarries, it will come. I've let go of the fear. I've been so desperate to get a move on because I was afraid that if I didn't, that which I cherish will leave me, be taken away from me. But God reminded me. He asked me a question:

God: "this relationship you have that you cherish so much and protect so jealously, that you are afraid of losing, did I not give it to you?"

Me: "yes father, you did"

God: "so, if I voluntarily gave it to you, will I not also protect it? Will I not see that no harm comes to it? Why do you feel the need to protect something divinely given with your human power? It's like the people the apostle chastised, they received salvation by grace and now try to keep it by the works of the flesh"

Me: "I'm sorry father"

God: "I will perfect that which concerneth you. My plans for you are to a good end"

God is amazing. He's beyond gracious to me. I'm learning, we're learning.

Casting all my cares on Him. His blessings make rich and adds no sorrow. He speaks, one just needs to be still enough to listen and hear.

I'm convinced that He loves me and hears my prayers. This is the year of God's rest, for me and mine.

And so I wait. I love le boy. I mean, when I found myself constantly covering him in prayer, rejoicing at his good news and supporting in times of the not-so-good, I had to admit I more than like him. I'll tell him, after he tells me first :-p. I'm still a girl abeg, and I like, and need, my man to lead :D

Several signs and confirmations God's given me in response to me asking, I'm keeping close to my chest for now. There's a time and season for everything afterall.

For now, I'll joyfully stay in class until this lesson is over and look forward to the next stage. It'll be wonderful! I can't wait!

Here's me kicking back and doing my thing, while I let my Father do His.

:-)
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Batty

In 24hours i've gone from blissful solitude to tearful to scared to pissed off to being angry for no apparent reason

If that's not batty, i don't know what is.


I told the boy he feels like a stranger to me, has been since yesterday. Feels like we can't have a bloody conversation anymore and i blame instant messaging. I don't know what i'm more mad about - the fact that we can't seem to have a proper chat like we normally do or the fact that he didn't seem to notice and i had to bring it up.


I think i just miss him and i feel like i need him to not be so comfortable with an IM relationship - because i sure as hell am not


The rational me says i should go apologise. I just want to curl in a ball and cry.


I dreamt about my dad today - i haven't dreamt about him in so long. We were at home and he went to make himself a plate of pounded yam and retired to bed, lol.  So odd. I prayed for God to bless and have mercy on him :)

Issues - i clearly have them

need me, want me

'I've had such an awful day because you've not been in it, i've missed you so much'

Something in me clicks and rebels whenever i hear this or a variation of it.

On the surface of it, it's such a lovely thing to hear and it ought to make me feel all cuddly and warm inside..right?

On the contrary! I don't like it AT ALL. I hear that and all i immediately think is no! no!! no!!

I feel like - Surely, you have something to do with your self, with your time, with your life other than me?! I immediately feel overwhelmed and unable to breathe because i'm feeling like - i can't be the be all and end all of someone's life!

Missing me is one thing, yes - not doing anything other than miss me all day smacks of having nothing to do to distract yourself, switch your focus, change the direction of your thoughts and i dont like that - it makes me feel so overwhelmed! So - 'i'm not joined to you at the hip'

I don't want to be needed.

want me - yes, by all means please. That's infinitely pleasurable

need me - no thank you. I'm not a lifeline.



arghh this is all rambly and makes no sense

Fell in love with a boy

I fell in love with a boy;

with his kind heart and warm spirit.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his sense of humour and his brand of sarcasm.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his smile and listening ears.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his ambition and perserverance.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his ability to identify what he wants and determination to get it.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his praying spirit and his moral compass.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his love for fiction and his awareness of the supernatural.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his respect for life and passion to effect change.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his dogged refusal to bow to peer pressure.

I fell in love with a boy;

with a mind of his own and willingness to learn and be taught.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his bright smile and ready laugh.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his rough hands that feel just right against my skin

with his strong arms that make me feel everything will be okay

with the depth in the pools in his eyes and the uncertainty in them when he's shy and unsure.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his ready apology when either of us have sinned

with his allowing me to be myself 100% of the time

with his being 100% with me all of the time.

I fell in love with a boy and for the first time, i'm okay with that.

7/12

3 days shy of 7 months and i've never been happier, never been more sure, never liked him more

He keeps surprising me with how much of a genuinely great person he is - particularly in areas that don't even concern me. We're on the other side of a couple of disagreements, a really scary illness episode, a big disappointment and still kicking it

3 days shy of 7 months and i've never loved him more

a little almost big slip of the tongue

That's how I was trying to say 'I fell asleep', my brain decided it was going to override my tongue and i found myself starting to say 'I fell in..' - thank heavens for quick reflexes lol - i'm not about to be saying that.. yet!

Detox

I was in a pretty good mood today,despite the heavy downpour, put on my bright yellow skirt and even brighter red lippie to run a few errands and meet up with a friend to catch up over a cuppa. I have a pretty good gut instinct even if i say so myself and ought to know by now to trust it - it's never failed me. Closer to meet up I couldn't ignore the need to bolt home and cancel the date, but being the polite person I am, I refused to be deliberately so rude. Perhaps if I had cancelled, I wouldn't be sitting here, writing and listening to muyiwa and riversongs on full blast trying to shake off this funk and cloud of negative energy currently sat about me, I feel like the little joy i had has been sucked outta me after that cuppa. I'm currently hovering between being completely down and angry - I ought to know better. Time and life is precious - we must be selective about who we let into our space and influence us. Again, i ought to know that. I need a 'friend' detox - evidently.

So I may not have my life all figured out and in all shades of roses but I really really did not feel good about being told that i'm apathetic and should know by now that life is for living, it's not boring but instead I am the boring one. I should have said something at the time? I was to busy listening to the words i was stupidly being allowed to be sown into my soul to come up with a response. I was sat there thinking, they are my tweets, it's my twitter account, i can vent when i want! To take my tweets and colour me all shades of apathetic was hurtful. It started with the  way said friend will never ask after me anymore after reading my tweets because when ever she asks, i say i'm fine and she seems to be wrong and that 'if one is wrong all the time then it's time to stop'. This time i did respond - i said and still say,  i AM fine. I have a moment and tweet that i feel jaded and a bit apathetic towards the olympics and suddenly i have issues and live life and stop being apathetic and boring? *sigh*

Thank God for strength and maturity because even if her words did make me feel like such a failure, I KNOW i'm anything but. Crickey, one's not allowed to be a mess no matter how fleeting every now and then? It's not a good thing to leave someone's presence and feel like you need a giant hug.

You don't like something- change it. Someone sucks the life out of you - keep yourself away from such toxic aura. I have enough on my plate to deal with someone's opinion of me i can do without. No i'm not against criticism, but constructive and at least true. I refuse to be made - intentionally or unintentionally - to feel like a snivelling less than human being. I am quite awesome even if i say so myself.

I still want that hug. As that's not feasible, i'll make do with Lara George's awesome voice , might throw in a bit of sonnie badu and all shall be right in my world soon enough.

once upon a time

I must have been all of what? 12 or 13 i think, first year of senior secondary school when I initially came across the word 'empty' in a different context. My school mum at the time, looked me straight in the eye and said to me 'you are empty'

I remember the day vividly. A previous classmate of ours had come to visit after having left school a few classes before. Everyone was in such an excited tizz, falling over themselves to go see her in the courtyard and there I was laying my bed about to enjoy a nap. My school mum shoots me a arent you going to see your friend  look? I go 'no i'm not, what difference does that make to my life? she's been and gone and moved on. My pretending to be excited to see her affects forex how?' which prompted the pronounciation of emptiness

I didn't understand it for a long time, for a long long time and then she explained it to me. My life had nothing to it, nothing in it! I woke up, went to school, slept, didn't really have any friends and did it all over again the next day. She was right, there was nothing to my life, i had no hopes, no dreams, no ambitions, i didn't look foward to anything really and just existed. Nothing made me excited, nothing kept me going really apart from the fact that i had to.  I existed, i wasn't living, i was empty.

Tried my hand woefully at trying to fill the void with just about everything - nothing fit. Absolutely nothing. Not a person, not academics, nothing. The only thing that fit the emptiness is what was missing. Took me a while - months to realise it was God who was missing. Nothing fits a God size hole in one's soul - nothing. Not money, not lovers, not the society's idea of success, nothing except God fits a God size hole in the soul.

You can't ride on the coat tails of someone else's salvation. Your happiness is no one's responsibility except your's. It's no one's duty to make and keep you happy. Happiness is so fleeting, Joy - real Joy comes from the Most High.

funny images - well, mostly

haha

Lagos! Shot by le boy :)

i'm delicious and i know it! :-p

Enough said!

this tickles me all the time :)

truth!

cookie monsterrrrrrrrrrr!

peer pressure ain't got nothing on me yo!

*all images tiffed, stolen, downloaded from various bbm contacts. None belong to me*
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cuteness!

this is the sweetest image ever. Her cute afro makes me go awwwww

*image curtsey of bbm contact. Rights do not belong to me*
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What love is

*image as tiffed from bbm contact. I have no right to this image*

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Favourite images

keep it simple

lemon-aid :-p

farabale lol

enough said haha

pink!

REGAL. Love this image!

hehehe

hahaha, evil! cyanide and happiness is my thang!

because time waits for no one

*images tiffed, downloaded, shared from bbm contacts. I hold no claim or rights to them*
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hello world

It's been a  hella couple of months.

friend's death and funeral - she was only 27 bless her soul.

finishing foundation training in an incredibly stressful manner - the postgraduate training this side of the pond is dead i tell you. At least it's done and dusted thank God.

wedding planning - gosh wedding planning. I'm never going to agree to be a maid of honour ever again - my goodness!

learning sooo much more about myself - yes i'm an eternal loner and an eternal realist. Only God's grace has kept me from murdering my live-in housemate thus far. :o) she's actually absolutely divine, it's the loner in me that cusses for a minute before i check my attitude when i come back from a long day to a human being and so have to make conversation lol. I'm getting better though, much better. I took myself out on a date yesterday though, i needed the break. I can NEVER get antsy about it, never. All i need do is remember when i was homeless, slept on someone's floor after getting kicked out by someone else's housemate. God has brought me a long long way i tell you. Those times in the valley were all preparing me for a time like this. Afterall, how do i explain to God that i didn't lend a helping hand when He has clearly blessed me to be a blessing? Selfishness and kingdom living don't feature in the same sentence i tell you.

Completely taken my mind, my heart, my thoughts my everything off Mr Portsmouth  months ago. Lovely and all, but i came to the realisation that i want and need someone who claims i'm important to behave like it - actions and not words - actions, and to think we're in the same country - please. I'm not in my fifth decade single and desperate abeg. I had this epiphany shortly after i thought long and hard about what i'm doing with the boy. Funny, i'd have never thought you could grow to like someone more a few months down the line, ish is supposed to be at the maximum excitement in the beginning right? On the contrary. I like this realisation.

I was so certain that if the summer plans didn't work out and the boy didn't come visit - i was so done with it, you know get out before you get in too deep, an across the pond thing wasn't my ideal anyway you know. Only for the summer to show up and i'm like woah okay, i don't think i want out! I didn't want out, evidently i had two feet in and didn't even realise and to be fair this is soo not difficult. A bit inconvenient yes, but not difficult I won't say. I've repeatedly asked my Father and i still do  to put an end to it asap if he doesn't approve and if it's not from Him. So far He seems pretty happy. If He's happy, i'm happy.

The only issue i have at the moment is figuring out what to do with my life. Yes, i'm still going round this mountain! Finished foundation training, 2 exams and one 5hour long interview later, got a GP specialist training programme - 3 year job contract yo! Wasn't an easy feat i tell you. Supposed to start 7 days ago and here i am sat at home applying to locum agencies because the home office is being a bastard and not issuing me a work permit in time. *sigh* I'm too much of a christian to not know that this isn't all surface and there's more to this than the physical. I've prayed about it, all i've asked of God is to give me source of income so i can pay my back tithes - my mind is not at rest knowing that i owe God. He's grown me up too much not to know the importance of that 10% in my life - Haven't been able to pay back tithes because of keeping money in  my account for this visa application steez. This visa stress steez is on another level in this country i tell you. If bank of daddy was around i won't even be applying to locum agencies lol. i'd have a year long holiday i say lol

So i've been out of a job for 8 days and i've NEVER be happier. NEVER. I haven't missed doctoring for even one second. Not at all. I'm desperate to figure out what i'm supposed to be doing. I feel like this a time for me to utilise in figuring out what i'm supposed to be doing with my life, new talents, alternative career paths and all, but i'm drawing blanks. I don't even know where to start and i feel like time is slipping by. As soon as i start work again i won't have so much time but i feel so useless - i literally don't know where to begin! God help me, i need direction

In the mean time, the sun is shinning, i'm happy, all's well in the world.

Thank you Jesus

:o)

empty

Why am I totally emotionless at the news that a friend most very very very likely has lymphoma? I'm so very blergh about it, I actually have no feelings about this..

I feel sorrier for the mongoose being torn apart by wild dogs on nat geo playing in my background than i feel for my friend who's alone in hospital with the fear that she probably has cancer

Relationships do NOT come naturally - at least not to me. I have a degree in being temporarily happy and then succumbing to the most overwhelming feeling of entrapment and the unrelenting need to run, hide out under a cave somewhere and just never come up for air ever again

Sometimes I wish for armageddon, rapture, end of the world, whatever it's called these days, I get so weary of earth, of life.

I cannnot.

what ifs

'what if I don't relocate?' 


Is the question that's been reverberating in my mind for well over a week - well over a week and more loudly so since I desperately asked for some clarification. I've always wanted to ask and have been procrastinating for ages. Now i'm kinda like it'd look like a knee jerk reaction to the events that happened on Sunday, obviously I know it's not. He doesn't.

No there's nothing wrong - absolutely nothing wrong. 6 days to the 3 month mark and the good old monster rears its head. I'm convinced something happened in my past life to make me this way - completely incapable of being plural. I have no other explanation.

There's nothing more desperately distressing than indecisiveness and trying to make decisions based on information you don't have.

Why now? Why didn't I ask this earlier? I dunno, I actually don't know but it has been bugging me for ages, I suppose more so because this agreement was established on the premise that this relocation will happen. I'm like err, so what if I don't go - and you clearly aren't coming (we had this conversation) then err, what are we doing? Evidently I have a PhD in ruining peoples' lives.

Truth, I've been bent on relocating for a few months now, but what if i don't? I'm here until at least early next year anyway and I do have a 3 year training programme  - all things being equal by God's grace as nothing's set in stone.

The obvious response to this is what if i do?

Somehow I always manage to get caught up in drama..#sigh

aeons ago

looking in on my life there's not much difficult about going to work daily,
checking emails daily, meeting deadlines and updating portfolios.Today I checked said emails after about a month and the amount of stuff I've missed is legendary, I'm suprised I've not been fired since! But truth
be told I'm struggling to care. This is not the life I envisioned for myself. I'm tired of being here and I just want to relocate. The boy says I should give it some attention, how can I not care? I recognise what I'm doing subconsciously as self sabotage-if I'm passive enough,things will just fall in place.*smh*why not
just go home?because my indefinate leave to remain is due in december
It makes sense to stay for that,even though getting an extension until then
Is shaky.It's easier not to care. Truth is I broke aeons ago.

if wishes were horses

If wishes were horses, i'd wish i didn't see you at S9

I'd wish us back to many months ago when we left it at that

I'd wish i wasn't all stupid inside for a little while; questioning my decision

If wishes were horses, i'd wish i didn't try again only to be reminded your lack of effort, will, drive

I'd wish you understood that you have to work for something, someone you want. Saying you want them isn't enough

If wishes were horses, i'd wish i never met you

I'd wish i understood what emotion is masquerading as loss and regret

I wouldn't be up wondering why you're in hospital on your birthday, concerned and ticked off that you're not answering your phone

I wouldn't be wondering why i'm wondering who's by your side

If only wishes were horses