Monday, 28 February 2011

*no title*

'Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, does not mean they do not love you the best way they know how'

This quote struck something within me when I saw it hours ago, and I still haven't been able to forget it.It judges me *I suppose I ought to say I've let it judge me*

Hmm..

Friday, 25 February 2011

24

24! chaii, the number's heavy in my mouth! LOL. I'm actually finding it really difficult to wrap my head around the fact that i'm 24 now! Good grief, where'd all the time go?

I had THE most wonderful birthday yesterday, without a doubt. The sun came out to play for the first time in while, it was warm and i got to leave work after lunch! It doesn't take much to please me. :)

Thoroughly enjoyed having friends over in the evening, i really did have a fantastic time. I'm chuffed that people think highly enough of me to come out :)

I'm sat here an hour past midnight reflecting on the day and boy, have i come a long way! Thank the good Lord.

If there's one thing i've learned it's that time, in my case a year, makes a broken heart hurt less as each day goes by.

I've learned that I'm incapable of dissociating mind/emotions from body. I tried it #epicfail. And so i'll sit here, reflect some more and beat myself over and over again,  until i get the message: if someone does not belong to you, LEAVE.WELL.ALONE. You'll only end uo hurting yourself. Kai, but i've been silly sha!

Talk about falling your own hand! I'm tayyad - i'm going back inside jare, enough of exploring other sides to life. Comfortable may be boring, but at least it's comfortable.

I've learned not to ignore feelings - yes i've mastered ruling myself and my feelings with an iron rod, but life'll be a lot less colourful if i carry on with the gaddaffi-like governance

I've learned how to enjoy life - regardless of external circumstances

Above all, i've learned that i musn't give myself so completely and freely to one who's not able to return the favour. I'd only hurt myself and nurse my wounds solo, because i was dumb enough to ignore the overriding externuating circumstances *smh at myself* mschewww

I'm gonna pick up the pieces of my life and take my own advice: I'm going to begin my 24th year as I mean to carry on. No.more.

I think about dad a lot more frequently now. Irrespective of my less than laudable choices pappy, i know you're proud of me. I miss that you're no longer here.

Happy new year to me.

Saturday, 5 February 2011

Randoms

1. I think i'm finally ready to be in a relationship. I don't know how or when that happened, despite my fighting it ferociously, I have to admit it. I want to and i'm ready to try again.

2. I think about my ex-boyfriend a lot. A LOT. I wonder how he is and fight the urge to call/e-mail/text everyday. We broke up exactly 13 months ago. He was my first boyfriend.

3. I can't bear this crush I have on an unavailable gentle-man. It annoys me that it bothers me whenever i see him with his 'unofficial girlfriend'. Yeah, bullshit much.

4. I always wonder what career option i'd pursue if i gave up my current one. I think about it a lot, alarmingly. I'm in desperate need for motivation.

5. I experienced an epiphany recently : i'm not certain that I want to be what i always thought i want to be.

6. I finally want to learn how to cook. Because i want to. Not because people tell me i need to learn how to cook to please/keep a man.

7. I've been suicidal recently. I got so overwhelmed I was pre-occupied with thoughts of self harm. I now understand how people harm themselves as a cry for help. I tweeted most of my dark feelings and thoughts at the time and i see how friends mistake cries for help as eccentricity.

8. I'm sick to death of being asked to be in a relationship by people who don't understand my need to be some sort of friends first. How do you speak with me for the first time and tell me i'm beautiful and that you're in love with me and demand that I give you an answer immediately? I mean what the fuck?

9. I want to go home. I miss home. I miss my daddy and the heat.

10. When all is said and done, we are left on our lonesome with nothing but thoughts and memories.

11. Life is difficult.

Sunday, 30 January 2011

the irony

Dammmnnnnn you Enitan for liking a guy that's unavailable!!

Took me exactly a year after my (first) break-up and then i go and get stuck on someone who's not available! That'll teach me..

so yeah, damnnnn you to blazes!

KMT!

Monday, 24 January 2011

no more me

I resent the fact that I hate my life right now, not least because i cannot justify that. On paper, life's good, not a single thing to mumur about actually. I don't even want to write about it, that's how shit i feel right now.

I don't know how I've managed to find myself so empty - yet again! Surrounded by so many people, yet so alone. I've learnt this lesson, mastered the curriculum - 'emotions are fickle and must not be allowed to define who you are. Change your situation by changing your words and therefore your thoughts'. I've aced that class numerous times - yet, here i find mysel again.

I suppose hating my job doesnt help. Today I expressed how disappointing it is to come to the realisation that you perhaps do not want to be everything you thought you always wanted to be, everything you've worked so hard for and sacrificed so much for.

I hate that I'm in such a state of mind. I hate that I don't care. I hate that for the first time today I wasn't interested in my patient and that I was palpably cold towards them. I hate that I resent the bureaucracy that makes my job so difficult. I hate all the boxes I have to tick to prove that i am what i'm not in order to progress to the next bullshit phase of the job.

I resent that fact that I've been procastinating so much, i haven't done anything because i'm in such a black state of mind. I'm not pleased that when i'm in such a state I pull back from the world and don't return calls or messages when the one thing i need, the one thing i want is a big bear hug and the assurance that everything will be alright. Surely it will be, it always is in the end.

I hate that I long for what and who I cannot have. I especially hate that I'm compelled to keep doing life the way i don't want to do it. I don't want to do this, i know that now. I don't want to be here, i know that now. Yet, I feel so trapped, so caged in and i see myself lashing out.

In a bid to be helpful someone asked me today, 'what makes you happy?'. I heaved a sigh of defeat when i couldn't even answer that. I've been doing what I have to do for so long now, i can't find Enitan anymore. She's lost in translation somewhere.

I hate that I don't know what to do to fix this. I don't like me like this. Unhappy, sad, unfufilled, alone, lonely and mostly just flipping tired. Just tired. I just wanna sleep. Lie in oblivion for a very long time. I don't want to have to keep fighting this and fighting through life on my own, by myself..i've run out of me. There is no more me.

I wondered today - how much of this is the effect of external pressure as opposed to how much is my reaction to said external pressure. I know what i need to do - in my head..I need to shake it off, quit the pity party and step to it. I know, i.just.can't. I have no more fight left in me. White flag's been hoisted up.


There's.just.no.more.me.left.

Friday, 7 January 2011

nothing serious

Girl in a 'nothing serious' state of mind

Boy in a 'nothing deep' state of mind

Girl meets boy, boy meets girl, they hang

Girl, while still in a 'nothing serious' state of mind, gets miffed about feeling like a jump- off

Girl is tripping/on a long ting?

#ontothenextone

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

I liked this so much I had to steal it

1) Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.

2) Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn’t mean you have to speak Ebonics…

3) Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn’t work out.

4) Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.

5) Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.

6) Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.

7) Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids; it’s an accessory, you bought it so it’s yours.

8.) Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn’t mean you’re cheap.

9) Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show you some appreciation.

10) Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a Queen.

11) Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.

12) Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don’t agree YOU have to live with the consequences, not them.

13) Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.

14) Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn’t mean you don’t love your Brothers.

15) Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There’s a reason she’s been your girl from day one.

16) Never apologize to your old friends about ‘new’ friends; God continues to bring His daughters together to uplift each other.

17) Never apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.

18) Never apologize for saying NO

19) Never apologize for looking beautiful. You are beautiful.

20) Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can’t burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out. 

21) Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.

22) Never apologize for changing your mind. It’s your prerogative.

23) Never apologize for someone else’s Bad Day: A friend snaps at you and you’re expected to say sorry? Exactly where is the logic in that?

24) Never apologize for being honest. People often say, “The truth hurts,” or “you can’t handle the truth,” or “you don’t really want to hear the truth.” The fact of the matter is everyone does WANT the truth.

25) Never apologize for being alone. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, relish in the opportunity to spoil and cherish yourself…to meet only your demands….to listen to only your requests….. And to tend to only your needs.

26) Never apologize to anyone for being single! Always remember just like God is working on you; He is also working on your mate and when the time is right you will meet!

27) Never apologize for being educated and behaving accordingly! Your mama didn’t raise a fool!

28) Never apologize for refusing to compromise your integrity. Always adhere to your moral and ethical principles.

29) Never apologize for not tolerating bad behavior, at home, in public, in the workplace…

30) Never apologize for taking a break. It’s more healthy and beneficial to literally stop every once in a while to breathe, to let your hair down, to relax, to rejuvenate. It’s necessary.

31) Never apologize for Investing in Your Looks. Its’ all about feeling confident, not about doing yourself up to land a man. And it makes facials, manicures, pedicures and the sauna worth every cent.

32) Never apologize for hoping your children will be Cuter than your Friends. Honestly, your pals are hoping the same thing.

33) Never apologize for being Inexperienced. That doesn’t mean you lack great ideas. So stop prefacing sentences like “…but I did not, I am not, I haven’t…’’ stick to what you’re training for or have been trained in and be proud!

34) Never apologize for having a Crazy Family: Give your guy & friends a heads up about them, but never insinuate that their problems taint you.

35) Never apologize for helping others. Be free, do what you want to do, not others, help happily where necessary, only mean people & haters will laugh at you and pull you back.

36) Never apologize for saying exactly how you feel, only if you have every reason and every right to feel that way. Respect and courtesy must always be present though.

37) Never apologize for the books you like to read (that’s if you’re a reader). You’re allowed to choose whatever kind of reading material you like. You’re an adult, and well aware of all the choices out there. If romance works for you, read them proudly. People don’t apologize for liking romantic comedies at the movies, or chick flicks. They like them. So what?

38) Never apologize for where you come from. There is a good reason as to why God meant for you to be born there, it doesn’t matter whether you’re from Asia, Africa, America we are all humans at the end of the day, no one was born in the moon anyway.

39) Never Apologize for Loving the Lord, for calling His Name, for Having Absolute Faith in Him, He’s your father, He’ll Light Your Path.

40) Never apologize for being YOU!

Tiffed from femmelounge