They say admitting a problem is the first step to freedom. So here goes:
Hi, I'm enitan and I have emotional problems.A year to get over a relationship of a year and a half. 3 months later and still seriously struggling to get over the fuckery of a 7 month long 'thing'. It doesn't even have a name : it was just a 'thing'. I tried going cold turkey and even tried desensitisation - zilch! So we're riding it out and waiting it out. Getting there slow and steady. Blue in the face from praying about it sef.
Hi, I'm enitan and I don't like my job. I should say career really but the word career implies long term and something you actually like to do. It's neither of that for me. It's just a place I absolutely hate going to and the ass kissing and continuing studying it involves that makes me hate it more.
Hi, I'm enitan and I'm seriously considering a career change. What to do though? I need to figure out what I CAN do and what I LOVE to do. I have figured out so far though that it has to be a 9-5. No awful nights or weekend shifts. I need stability in my life man. So I've got till next summer to figure it out. Maybe I should do them on-line compatibility thingy bobs..
Hi, I'm enitan and I'm blessed! :D
Sunday, 18 September 2011
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
don't ask, don't tell
I don't understand it. I have a day off after an 85 hour week and 'na me dey enjoy'
I say i'm exhausted because i'm working long hours and I 'shouldn't look for sympathy because at least I'm getting paid?'
ALWAYS pisses me off when people spew schit like this. If you really don't want to know how i am, don't ask me! 'how are you' is not merely an opening statement. If you don't wanna know, don't ask.
I suppose I shouldn't be mad. My fault for expecting empathy where i shouldn't be expecting it from.
.....and breathing... :)
I say i'm exhausted because i'm working long hours and I 'shouldn't look for sympathy because at least I'm getting paid?'
ALWAYS pisses me off when people spew schit like this. If you really don't want to know how i am, don't ask me! 'how are you' is not merely an opening statement. If you don't wanna know, don't ask.
I suppose I shouldn't be mad. My fault for expecting empathy where i shouldn't be expecting it from.
.....and breathing... :)
Sunday, 11 September 2011
randoms
1. Seeing the pack of durex in the trash can was the final nail in the coffin. I don't know what was worse: the sudden realisation that that meant him and I were never going to happen - cuz let's face it when sex is involved...or that I was carrying a wish/hope with baited breath that someday. How could I not have realised that?
2. My star sign describes me perfectly. I'm a pisces to the very core
3. I cried myself to sleep last night. I haven't cried in a very long time.
4. I'm emotionally spent, I've lost count of how many days I've been on-call now. It's too much for me. I don't want to do it anymore
5. Who supports the personn who supports everyone else?
6. A random act of kindness contributed to the crying yesterday. I was so spent, so broken all it took was someone who really listened to say a kind word and all of a sudden - I totally unravelled - in the privacy of my duvet of course
7. There's a depth to my soul that's both a blessing and a curse
8. The ex-boy saw the above light years before me.
9. I'm sorry I've upset said ex boy, but I had to make him stop calling me baby and going on about we and us. It's been 21 months..and counting.
10. I hope the tears were a catharsis and my soul is healing. I cannot be stoic for much longer.
11. I want a hug - a great big bear hug that says ' I understand, you don't have to be so strong all the time. Let me take some of that load off your heart'. I want a hug that says 'I love you, and I'm here for you'
Mayhaps, that may just be the plug I need to stop these tears from falling, cuz apparently the floodgates are refusing to shut.
2. My star sign describes me perfectly. I'm a pisces to the very core
3. I cried myself to sleep last night. I haven't cried in a very long time.
4. I'm emotionally spent, I've lost count of how many days I've been on-call now. It's too much for me. I don't want to do it anymore
5. Who supports the personn who supports everyone else?
6. A random act of kindness contributed to the crying yesterday. I was so spent, so broken all it took was someone who really listened to say a kind word and all of a sudden - I totally unravelled - in the privacy of my duvet of course
7. There's a depth to my soul that's both a blessing and a curse
8. The ex-boy saw the above light years before me.
9. I'm sorry I've upset said ex boy, but I had to make him stop calling me baby and going on about we and us. It's been 21 months..and counting.
10. I hope the tears were a catharsis and my soul is healing. I cannot be stoic for much longer.
11. I want a hug - a great big bear hug that says ' I understand, you don't have to be so strong all the time. Let me take some of that load off your heart'. I want a hug that says 'I love you, and I'm here for you'
Mayhaps, that may just be the plug I need to stop these tears from falling, cuz apparently the floodgates are refusing to shut.
Monday, 22 August 2011
Thawing
Somewhere along the past few months, lost in the haze of life I didn't notice myself becoming this person that I suddenly do not recognise.
As I traced the familiar path to the train station, my mind wondered along to the compartment where memories of old are kept. I saw a beautiful soul, a kind spirit. One that loved whole heartedly, gave time, compassion, encouragement willingly expecting nothing in return. One who learnt early in her earthly life that selfish ones aren't happy, in fact joy and happiness are not found inward but in reaching out to others because that is the purpose of our creation - that is what love is. I saw a happy spirit, a fufilled soul, I saw one who like a phoenix had reason several times out of several flames. I saw a soul that would rather die than say a mean word, she always bit her tongue and would rather not speak than intentionally hurt another. I saw a heart that had been battered several times over and put together so beautifully you had to strain to see the suture lines. I saw a soul that was quivering in excited anticipation, waiting to see what life brought and approach it with love. I saw a spirit with a smile so bright it blinded - for it was a radiant smile. The kind of smile that came from deep within it made her honey brown eyes twinkle.
With the memories came a physical thud of pain in my heart and the sting of tears in my eyes. In the haze of hurt, pain, work, self- neglect, the conveyor belt of life and difficulty moving on and forgiving self - i hadn't noticed how i'd lost myself and became this person i neither recognise nor like. I see myself as i have become and i loathe me. I'm appaled at the ugliness in my spirit, the un-yielding set in my jaw, the stubborn determination in my spine. How can I be angry for so long? When did I become one to deny others some of me without a valid reason - to prove a point? How did i get so ugly? I'm suprised at how cold i've become, how I am able to cage the love that i'm yearning to give, how I can look at another and say un-kind things without flinching knowing i'm deliberately causing harm. It appals me to realise that I am more than capable of cutting off my nose to spite my face. I'm embarrassed to say that i've come from being one who seeks out the lonely one in the corner to hang out with so they don't feel left out, the one who will hug someone who everyone else says smells, i've come from one who goes out of her way to make sure people feel listened to and relevant to someone who's needy. When did i become needy - and not realise it? How have I become the wall flower in the corner, the smelly one, the one whose heart silently screams 'love me?' When did I become the person who leaves work wishing someone would call me to tell me they know i'm exhausted and just wanted me to know that i am in their thoughts? When did I become the one who needs attention? When did I become so ugly?
As much as i've prayed, wept, prayed some more and determined to let go, i think it's finally happening. It took me seeing push puller one more time to realise that i hadn't actually completely let things go. I honestly thought I had. As i sat watching him smile at me attempting to make conversation, I realised that I had been mean and wicked - and didn't even know it, that scares me. I realised that i had been holding him and myself to super human standards - how dare I have been foolish to give someone permission to dougie in and out of my person and how dare he treat me like toilet paper and not even realise how much trauma he had caused. I've told myself many times over, but it was like I was finally hearing it for the first time - yes you fucked up big time, yes he fucked up too but you HAVE to let.this.go. I'd been mean to him - deliberately and passively and I was so ashamed of myself. I am genuinely sorry, i really am so sorry. I looked at him and wondered how I could cause someone pain - deliberately and sit on my high horse not realising i was doing worse than what i'd nailed him to the cross for. He is human, why do i expect him to be infallible?
I'm so sorry for everything - the roller coaster i've put myself through, the hours of turmoil, anger, bitterness and pain. I'm going to have to apologise to him - and I will next time i see him - so help me God. I have apologised to and finally forgiven myself. It's been long and hard but I think i'm finally there. I don't want the darkness anymore - i'm exchanging my ashes for beauty. I care no longer whether or not he ever realises, i see it's foolish of me to want an apology, i no longer care for tagging a meaning to how he relates to me - I'm no longer interested for i'm responsible for myself, my thoughts and my actions. I ought not to swing between two extremes the way i've been doing recently.
I think i'm almost there, i'm no longer at risk of catching a cold from the ice in my heart.
As I traced the familiar path to the train station, my mind wondered along to the compartment where memories of old are kept. I saw a beautiful soul, a kind spirit. One that loved whole heartedly, gave time, compassion, encouragement willingly expecting nothing in return. One who learnt early in her earthly life that selfish ones aren't happy, in fact joy and happiness are not found inward but in reaching out to others because that is the purpose of our creation - that is what love is. I saw a happy spirit, a fufilled soul, I saw one who like a phoenix had reason several times out of several flames. I saw a soul that would rather die than say a mean word, she always bit her tongue and would rather not speak than intentionally hurt another. I saw a heart that had been battered several times over and put together so beautifully you had to strain to see the suture lines. I saw a soul that was quivering in excited anticipation, waiting to see what life brought and approach it with love. I saw a spirit with a smile so bright it blinded - for it was a radiant smile. The kind of smile that came from deep within it made her honey brown eyes twinkle.
With the memories came a physical thud of pain in my heart and the sting of tears in my eyes. In the haze of hurt, pain, work, self- neglect, the conveyor belt of life and difficulty moving on and forgiving self - i hadn't noticed how i'd lost myself and became this person i neither recognise nor like. I see myself as i have become and i loathe me. I'm appaled at the ugliness in my spirit, the un-yielding set in my jaw, the stubborn determination in my spine. How can I be angry for so long? When did I become one to deny others some of me without a valid reason - to prove a point? How did i get so ugly? I'm suprised at how cold i've become, how I am able to cage the love that i'm yearning to give, how I can look at another and say un-kind things without flinching knowing i'm deliberately causing harm. It appals me to realise that I am more than capable of cutting off my nose to spite my face. I'm embarrassed to say that i've come from being one who seeks out the lonely one in the corner to hang out with so they don't feel left out, the one who will hug someone who everyone else says smells, i've come from one who goes out of her way to make sure people feel listened to and relevant to someone who's needy. When did i become needy - and not realise it? How have I become the wall flower in the corner, the smelly one, the one whose heart silently screams 'love me?' When did I become the person who leaves work wishing someone would call me to tell me they know i'm exhausted and just wanted me to know that i am in their thoughts? When did I become the one who needs attention? When did I become so ugly?
As much as i've prayed, wept, prayed some more and determined to let go, i think it's finally happening. It took me seeing push puller one more time to realise that i hadn't actually completely let things go. I honestly thought I had. As i sat watching him smile at me attempting to make conversation, I realised that I had been mean and wicked - and didn't even know it, that scares me. I realised that i had been holding him and myself to super human standards - how dare I have been foolish to give someone permission to dougie in and out of my person and how dare he treat me like toilet paper and not even realise how much trauma he had caused. I've told myself many times over, but it was like I was finally hearing it for the first time - yes you fucked up big time, yes he fucked up too but you HAVE to let.this.go. I'd been mean to him - deliberately and passively and I was so ashamed of myself. I am genuinely sorry, i really am so sorry. I looked at him and wondered how I could cause someone pain - deliberately and sit on my high horse not realising i was doing worse than what i'd nailed him to the cross for. He is human, why do i expect him to be infallible?
I'm so sorry for everything - the roller coaster i've put myself through, the hours of turmoil, anger, bitterness and pain. I'm going to have to apologise to him - and I will next time i see him - so help me God. I have apologised to and finally forgiven myself. It's been long and hard but I think i'm finally there. I don't want the darkness anymore - i'm exchanging my ashes for beauty. I care no longer whether or not he ever realises, i see it's foolish of me to want an apology, i no longer care for tagging a meaning to how he relates to me - I'm no longer interested for i'm responsible for myself, my thoughts and my actions. I ought not to swing between two extremes the way i've been doing recently.
I think i'm almost there, i'm no longer at risk of catching a cold from the ice in my heart.
Monday, 15 August 2011
MRCP v MRCGP
I love medicine. As much as I bitch and moan about it, I love the smile on peoples' faces when we fix them. I hate working nights, I absolutely detest working so many weekends and bank holidays. I hate being made to choose between having a life aand being the kinda doctor I want to be.
I didn't go to med school to be a general pracctitioner. Hell, I don't know ANY doctor who went to school to be a general ppractitioner. Not because there's anything wrong with that, more because when you're 15 and applying for medicine you have a picture of figuring out what's wrong with people and fixing them straight away as opposed to passing them on to someone else to fix - which is the fundamental difference between primary and secondary care.
I've ALWAYS wanted to be a consultant in infectious diseases and or HIV medicine. I love it, I always have but by God being in the hospital gets on my tits - especially when I keep clocking 70hour weeks
So now I'm worried that I'm gonna end up doing the professional exams for primary care as opposed to the mrcp. I flatly refuse to not have a life. All my snr docs I've spoken to tell me straight up - it's either primary ccare and a life or seccondary care and none. I want one, I want a family and I want time to be able to enjoy one - I want to sleep in my bed at night, to go on holidays etc
I just feel cheated having to choose between both! So unfair!
I suppose if one doesn't work out I can always re-train - yup, re-do speciality training.
In the mean time november is looming - which is it gonna be? MRCGP or MRCP?
I'm scared - and honestly, perhaps kinda excited to!
We"ll see!
:)
I didn't go to med school to be a general pracctitioner. Hell, I don't know ANY doctor who went to school to be a general ppractitioner. Not because there's anything wrong with that, more because when you're 15 and applying for medicine you have a picture of figuring out what's wrong with people and fixing them straight away as opposed to passing them on to someone else to fix - which is the fundamental difference between primary and secondary care.
I've ALWAYS wanted to be a consultant in infectious diseases and or HIV medicine. I love it, I always have but by God being in the hospital gets on my tits - especially when I keep clocking 70hour weeks
So now I'm worried that I'm gonna end up doing the professional exams for primary care as opposed to the mrcp. I flatly refuse to not have a life. All my snr docs I've spoken to tell me straight up - it's either primary ccare and a life or seccondary care and none. I want one, I want a family and I want time to be able to enjoy one - I want to sleep in my bed at night, to go on holidays etc
I just feel cheated having to choose between both! So unfair!
I suppose if one doesn't work out I can always re-train - yup, re-do speciality training.
In the mean time november is looming - which is it gonna be? MRCGP or MRCP?
I'm scared - and honestly, perhaps kinda excited to!
We"ll see!
:)
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
home-bound
I recognise this feeling. It's the one I get when a decision I've taken has a direct and often negative impact on another person.
I'm just about ready to head back up north. My jaunt down south visiting a dear friend has just about run it's course and I've never longed to be in my own space as much as long for home right now. Yes I know I said I'll stay up until the weekend - myopic of me clearly.
As bad as I feel for upsetting a dear friend, I'm still not going to change my mind. I decided a short while ago that I will no longer continually lay myself sacrificially at the altar of 'make everyone else happy but yourself'. It's time I begin to practice what I preach.
Sometimes the girl who's always there for everyone else needs someone to be there for her. This is me right now.
The rate at which I get through bridges, there'll be none left for me to burn very soon.
I hear you calling leeds, mama's almost home
I'm just about ready to head back up north. My jaunt down south visiting a dear friend has just about run it's course and I've never longed to be in my own space as much as long for home right now. Yes I know I said I'll stay up until the weekend - myopic of me clearly.
As bad as I feel for upsetting a dear friend, I'm still not going to change my mind. I decided a short while ago that I will no longer continually lay myself sacrificially at the altar of 'make everyone else happy but yourself'. It's time I begin to practice what I preach.
Sometimes the girl who's always there for everyone else needs someone to be there for her. This is me right now.
The rate at which I get through bridges, there'll be none left for me to burn very soon.
I hear you calling leeds, mama's almost home
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
scatter brain
Thank you Sting, Myne, Didi and Neefemi for your comments on my previous posts. They were/are very much appreciated
I'm going to be resuming as a senior house officer/SHO/F2/second year intern in a week - i've never disliked my job more
It's getting increasingly difficult to convince myself that I hate it because the first year of any job is often a difficult major adjustment and perhaps it'll get better as i climb the ladder
Another August another session of the devil working through the uk immigration service - threatening to revoke my visa because I changed my e-mail address and didn't tell them? *blank stare*
Everytime I mention that I'm seriously considering a change of career to anyone, they either find it funny or call me loopy, afterall what could be better than being a doctor?....right?
It's a task to try to help peoeple understand what you're going through if they haven't walked in your shoes. It's a lonely place to be.
Why are there never 100% assurances? Must everything be a leap or faith? No one wants to make the wrong move, but what is life without taking chances?
I wonder sometimes if i just need a massive mindset and attitude overall. Kinda like I need to constantly/dilligently see God in everything I do. Will that make things better?
How do I know if all this is a prolonged quarter life crisis or actually a genuine nudging to move on and up?
Because you have a talent for something does not mean that is what you have to do. You will never be truely successful or happy unless you are in the place you were created to be.
I miss push-puller. I shouldn't. I'm not permitted to. I figured it'll hurt less so many months later - i'm still waiting on that. I'm not mad at him anymore - I suppose that's progress. He's been mad at me since I said I had been avoiding him. Tough - I had to! I deserve to be happy to. He seems blissfully happy with his together.
I'll wait patiently for the one i asked of God - in the meantime - well no one ever died of being lonely
I stopped answering femi's calls since he said to me that his girlfriend would be upset if she knew he was still speaking with me. We broke up a year and 7 months ago - #okaythen
I haven't enjoyed my annual leave as much as i'd hoped to - the joys of being broke
T.D.Jake's 'repositioning yourself - living life without limits' is a suprisingly difficult book to read. All his other books haven't taken me this long to read. It's good nonetheless - forces you to confront issues. He referenced Jim collins 'good to great'. Push-puller's reading that. I was excitedly gonna message him to mention that *rolling my eyes at myself* until i remembered how it takes him no less than an hour or 2 to reply bb messages - that ALWAYS ticks me off. - there was a time he would call/text..oh well..
Mind over matter..mind over matter..mind over you
I know every experience in life serves to make us better, tougher, stronger. Why do they have to be so difficult though? I feel like my heart can't take it anymore
I never used to be a cry-er, hell i didn't even cry at my father's funeral! I feel like i'm slowly unravelling. What happened to strong enitan?
I hear a voice that says I must return to the beginning, to my first love - i'd happily do that if that's the solution to all - i need a satnav though
For now, i must put on my happy face - nothing worse than ruining everyone else's day
*p.s i know i always sound so low, i have bright moments too but i write when i'm unhappy - makes me feel like someone's listening
I'm going to be resuming as a senior house officer/SHO/F2/second year intern in a week - i've never disliked my job more
It's getting increasingly difficult to convince myself that I hate it because the first year of any job is often a difficult major adjustment and perhaps it'll get better as i climb the ladder
Another August another session of the devil working through the uk immigration service - threatening to revoke my visa because I changed my e-mail address and didn't tell them? *blank stare*
Everytime I mention that I'm seriously considering a change of career to anyone, they either find it funny or call me loopy, afterall what could be better than being a doctor?....right?
It's a task to try to help peoeple understand what you're going through if they haven't walked in your shoes. It's a lonely place to be.
Why are there never 100% assurances? Must everything be a leap or faith? No one wants to make the wrong move, but what is life without taking chances?
I wonder sometimes if i just need a massive mindset and attitude overall. Kinda like I need to constantly/dilligently see God in everything I do. Will that make things better?
How do I know if all this is a prolonged quarter life crisis or actually a genuine nudging to move on and up?
Because you have a talent for something does not mean that is what you have to do. You will never be truely successful or happy unless you are in the place you were created to be.
I miss push-puller. I shouldn't. I'm not permitted to. I figured it'll hurt less so many months later - i'm still waiting on that. I'm not mad at him anymore - I suppose that's progress. He's been mad at me since I said I had been avoiding him. Tough - I had to! I deserve to be happy to. He seems blissfully happy with his together.
I'll wait patiently for the one i asked of God - in the meantime - well no one ever died of being lonely
I stopped answering femi's calls since he said to me that his girlfriend would be upset if she knew he was still speaking with me. We broke up a year and 7 months ago - #okaythen
I haven't enjoyed my annual leave as much as i'd hoped to - the joys of being broke
T.D.Jake's 'repositioning yourself - living life without limits' is a suprisingly difficult book to read. All his other books haven't taken me this long to read. It's good nonetheless - forces you to confront issues. He referenced Jim collins 'good to great'. Push-puller's reading that. I was excitedly gonna message him to mention that *rolling my eyes at myself* until i remembered how it takes him no less than an hour or 2 to reply bb messages - that ALWAYS ticks me off. - there was a time he would call/text..oh well..
Mind over matter..mind over matter..mind over you
I know every experience in life serves to make us better, tougher, stronger. Why do they have to be so difficult though? I feel like my heart can't take it anymore
I never used to be a cry-er, hell i didn't even cry at my father's funeral! I feel like i'm slowly unravelling. What happened to strong enitan?
I hear a voice that says I must return to the beginning, to my first love - i'd happily do that if that's the solution to all - i need a satnav though
For now, i must put on my happy face - nothing worse than ruining everyone else's day
*p.s i know i always sound so low, i have bright moments too but i write when i'm unhappy - makes me feel like someone's listening
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