dear you

I miss you so much already, I have not even left yet. I don't want to leave - I don't want to go back to not seeing you, not hugging you, not almost kissing you, not seeing you smile at me everyday - it hurts too damn much.

I miss you so much already, my heart literally hurts already. nothing can replace t awesomeness that is life when we chill together, my head on your heartbeat your smile in my heart.

I don't know when it happened - but somehow when I wasn't looking I fell head over arse for my bestfriend - I can't put a finger on when it happened but who cares? All I know is I feel like I'm finally home..with you and I never want to leave. 

the irony

You're right here next to me - yet I miss you something awful it hurts.   I missed you everyday when we were a thousand miles apart but nothing as much as this. how ironic is that? 

I briefly wondered -briefly - why I came. I remembered that I got on a plane bcause of 6 honest words you said to me "I really really really miss you". 

The irony, because right now, lying here listening to the rain fall and grateful for it muffling the sound of my quiet tears - I really really miss you.

Nutty J

I went over to nuttyJ's blog and her recent blogpost just seemed to still the turbulence in my soul - somehow her post was the word i needed to hear today. I'm a pisces to the core - indecisive and so over analytical it kills me! The eternal battle of the 'intellect', the 'logic' versus the instinct, the gut feeling.

I've got a week and some of holiday (last real break until august!) coming up and i've known about it for ages. I figured it'll be nice to go home, but i managed to talk myself out of it for weeks with the 'but i just went home for 10 days in november' 'no-one will have my time, everyone will be at work'. I'm sat talking to myself like - where in the rule book does it say you can't go home in february because you went home in november? - keeping in mind that prior to the 10days in november, i hadn't been home in 3 years - what the frig is that about??

I remember saying, i'm so used to not going home! But how does that make that okay? I never went home frequently because i couldn't afford it - financially or time wise being in med school and all. And here i am, justifying not going home because i'm used to lack - what the frig is that about??

I was soo resentful about this holiday as well, because i wanted to travel, as in go somewhere new and nice - i have wonderlust i'd be the first to admit. I so very nearly went to the UAE on my own. I've travelled alone before it never used to be a biggie - all of a sudden i don't want to go alone and all my friends are not available and so i don't go - what the frig is that about??

I spent weeks convincing myself that home would be a waste of time and money, convincing myself that i really don't want to see H and he doesn't want to see me seeing as he never said anything - until I find myself so upset all day when he says he's filled his weekends with work stuff - so i infer he definately won't have the time for me and i have a light bulb moment - you don't miss your water until the well runs dry. Why do i feel the need to justify going h.o.m.e? What the frig?

Anyway, God bless nutty J for being an unwitting answer to my emotional turmoil. I'm off home at the end of the month. Immediately i clicked on the 'confirm' button, i came into this place of palpable peace, i immediately wondered what took me so long?? All i want, need, is a change of scenery and some peace. Being around people who love and miss me is a bonus. God forbid i procastinate so much and watch my life pass me by. Whitney's death brought it home to me - tomorrow is NOT promised today. That's how i took for granted my dad will always be with me the shock i got when i woke up one fine august day and realised he had gone is indescribable. It's time i stopped getting in my own damn way and live already!

It's my big 25 in 4 days! About damn time i stopped with the bullshit and just live. What's the worst that could happen?

unspoken truth

moyo: have you been bitten, you sleep everytime you're off work

me: the hours are killing me, i'm just tired

*the truth : me: i'm depressed. I sleep loads when i'm unhappy - it's the only way i can run away from the world and my life even if it's only for a few hours*

24/7

How is it that i miss you this much? Oh gosh #trouble!

billy no mates

I'm sat here throwing a ginormous pity part for myself. Today i came to the realisation that i'm all alone, and lonely for the most part of it. I've finally got some time off work - 2 weeks off actually which in itself is awesome *ignoring the looming exam that i do not give a rats ass about* and all i want is a change of scene. I want to go somewhere nice with nice museums and galleries. Ideally i'd love to go to paris or spain - but i don't have the motivation or time for visa steez mehn, that ish is stressful. I'm actually alright with the 'big' cities in the UK, who to go with - absolutely nodody. Granted holiday in the middle of the week is a bit of a piss take, the holidays are over and there's no bank holiday so of course no-one's available and that stinks - i hate my job. Yes i blame it for my lack of social life, i'm NEVER around! Worked all through the holidays when i was supposed to be spending time with others and now i get time off in the middle of january for what now? Mscheww

Even sadder is the realisation that even if people weren't at work, who would i go on a mini-holiday with? *sigh* how did i turn out to be an almost 25 year old with hardly any friends? I'm used to being alone yes, i've had to deal with that since i was 15. Alone i can handle, being lonely stinks.

So after my exams on monday i've got a whole week off work with no one to spend it with and no where to go. I've done Edinburgh, Cardiff, Leeds, Brighton, Portsmouth - i'm thin on places to go. I want to go to cornwall but really i don't want to go all by myself *sigh* I still don't know how my life has turned out like this - again - i made a valiant effort last year and met the friendly friends - but thanks to pushpuller and my extreme methods of dealing with that, that's all gone down the drain.

I suppose it's not all bad, i could read for leisure, learn to paint better and not dwell on the sadness that is my life at the moment, and i suppose not travelling means i can save a bit for my relocation -- yes i am going back home, i have no life in this place neither am i happy here. i'd be doing myself a great disservice going through life half heartedly, i've been 'sensible' for the past quarter of a century - it's time to be happy abeg.

I'm working nights on the weekend of my birthday - ive been looking foward to my birthday since christmas. i'd be 25, it'd have been the first birthday i celebrated - besides my first birthday. I didn't have an 18th, i was broke and homeless living on someone's floor on my 21st so i'd been looking foward to a big blow out - evidently not. I feel like my job is robbing me of my life.

i want to go home, i want to go home and not come back. yes i'm following the fuel subsidy and other news, but it's home - i won't be alone or so chronically lonely, and i'd be free to love and be in love.

heaven keep my country and my people please. I'm done waiting for my life to start, it's time to kickstart it.

In the mean time, imma ride this funk out and do my best not to let the threatening tears fall. Igba die na lo ku (there's just a short time remaining).

I miss H and not even fighting it anymore. I let myself feel whatever i'm feeling and admit that he's the only joy in my life right about now and don't want him to leave

early morning thoughts

Christmas was over in a flash. It's already 2nd Jan 2012. Wow, I've never been so uninterested. Must be what the grinch felt like :). I can't say it's been a fantastic 2011, it's been one hell of a year though. I'm glad it's over - so glad it's over.

I'm not excited about new beginnings or the rest of my life or whatever the lingo is - it feels like business as usual, I mean it's a bank holiday today and I'm getting up in a few hour for a 12hr shift - joy. I wish people would be a bit more sympathetic and not go 'well you knew that before you got into it' no, actually I didn't - but whatever.

I've been actively staying away from my friends recently - I'm doing that withdrawing thing again. I need to get myself togethher - I feel that bitter darkness creeping in again and I don't want to go there. No tears in 2012 enitan, man the fuck up.

Yesterday I found out that the girlfriend of one of tha guys who's been chasing me is heavily pregnant. Not rumour, I saw her. I know her, I knew he had a girlfriend but I didn't realise she was pregnant! I was sooo shocked, as in stupefied! I felt so small and hurt and bruised all at the same time. I know it's not my fault and he's a dickhead. At the same time I wondered if all people seem to think I'm good for is to be a side chic. Pushpuller did that, he did that so did someone else. I'm like what? I don't deserve to have someone's love and affection all to myself? I mean is side chic written on my forehead wtf?
I told H, bless him he was mad on my behalf! Lol. Boy, am I gLad that's well and truly done with.

I've been actively running away from push-puller, he's been actively trying to get my attention. His other is significantly around. I'm handling it the only way I know how - see no evil, feel no evil. It's definitely easier by miles, I'm just not there yet- I'm waiting to get to that place of indifference where I feel absolutely nothing *not that I've ever been capable of doing that but I'm trying*. It hurts a lot less when I see him now - significantly less which is good. I asked my Father to help me be done with it - sooner rather than later. The one thing I've learnt? - still water definitely run deep aptly describes me..I'm a 100% emotionally involved in whatever I get into - I didn't realise how deeply involved I'd gotten until it was too late. But, we're getting somewhere - treading water. I hope I'll be all fixed before they drop the bomb we're all expecting - seems like there's something in the water these days

Midnight came and I was in church, as usual. Pastor asked us to ask God for what we'd like and I actually surprised myself with what came out of my soul. I asked my Father to give me the desire to love him again - I used to love him and spend time with him, somehow I don't know how to manage my time to involve him any longer and by God do I need Him in my life! I need His friendship, mercy, comfort and guidance. I asked for total healing regarding residual hurt in my heart. I asked Him to please please tell me quickly what I should do, stay or relocate? I'm so in knots about this issue I need His guidance and direction soo badly! I asked Him to please give me someone for keeps - I don't want to spend another holiday alone without a friend, lover and partner. I've been alone too long I don't want to be anymore.
This month makes it 2years since my only previous relationship. I'm not fazed my the constant questions from concerned family and friends or the constant hooking up- I just need and want one for me. I'm so ready..I say that when I know I'm kinda unavailable-ish. I miss H & I know he misses me something fierce - I keep asking my Father why there's always a k-leg when it comes to me being with someone. Last one was far away, I didn't permit anything with mr portsmouth as he's so far away. H? Well, H is trans-atlantic. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm asking for too much to be with someone in close proxmity..sigh


I have an exam in a couple of weeks - for GP speacialist training applications. I haven't studied. I don't even know what to study. I don't actually care. I should care.

I will re-take my driving test. I'm hesitating because I don't wanna get a car only to sell It a few months later if I go home. Gosh I hate uncertainty!

I want to know what it is to live with a family-ive been away from home since I was 9 and I really yearn to be surrounded by people who love and care about me, warts and all. I'll make sure when I have my family we will be together more often than not - especially during the holidays.

My heart went out to Sting in her post about the bitch-assness that is medical school. Med school IS difficult. It's soul destroying and no-one outside it understands. I'm rooting for you sting, you deserve to come out of it better, stronger and happier!

I wish H could come visit, I miss him loads.