me

It takes as much wisdom and strength to quit as does to grit your teeth
and bear it

That awful place where you see yourself tumbling head first down the
slope and you're totally powerless to pull the brakes

I thought I was grown beyond bouts of *i loathe to say depression*
periods of intense funk, evidently not all I think I am.

I still am the person who pushes people away when I need them the
most *sigh* I withdraw so much, hurt those who love me. I see I am
doing it but too wrapped up in my own shit *sigh* To make amends

Today I smiled a smile that reached my eyes. It came from down in my
belly, up through my eyes and rested on my lips. It felt strange, familiar
but wonderfully refreshing.

I'm still dressed like a tramp, but I put earrings on today and smiled -progress!

Head knowledge and heart knowledge are as different as night and day. I
know in my head that I'm priviledged, lucky, blessed and alladat - I KNOW
those to be irrefutably true yet I scraping the bottom of the barrel - evidently
it takes more than positive confessions and telling yourself to get over yourself
what am I missing?

it gets harder everyday

I have never despised a job so much

I do not remember the last time was so tearful or felt so trapped

Lord have mercy on my soul 

François de La Rochefoucauld

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.  ~ François de La Rochefoucauld

*untitled*

He loves me,  he really does - he tells me unabashedly

He says i'm beautiful - i don't think he realises that when i smile in response to that it's because he chose the word beautiful over pretty, cute, gorgeous - beautiful conveys such deeper meaning

He draws things out of me that have been long hidden, buried, forgotten.

I miss his heartbeat under my ears, his fingers searing my skin in ways he never realised.

I ache to show him, in many blush-worthy ways, better ways than my words can, just what i think and how i feel.

It's the little BIG things

I'm one of those who shows love primarily through giving - i take utmost pleasure in remembering the 'little things' mentioned off hand and giving them as presents - just because. I'm one of those who'll send a friend flowers on wednesday - well just because!

I'm laid on my couch with a sore left hip and realised that i'm blessed to have a wonderfully awesome person in my life who does the same for me. Only today I marvelled at the length he went through to get me a book i mentioned off hand that I like!

So I decided, i'm going to write down every single beautiful gift he's given me and send him random suprise thank you's because he deserves it - and because he touches my heart :)

- Always parking on the other side of the road so the passenger door doesn't open next to the gutter because I metioned once that i'm terrified of falling into the gutter

- He went all out to get me a book - lots of phone calls and bookshop visiting, because I enjoyed the prequel and even kept it secret from me until he gave it to me! :)

- I particularly love waking up to a 'morneen :)' message on my phone - i still havent managed to wake up first - ever!

- Randomly sending an animated cat wishing me a 'great day' on my phone - well, just because! still makes me smile even at the thought of it :)

- Making me pancakes! Awesome pancakes too

- I doubt i'd ever forget a brief  'hello how are you' conversation we had in the middle of his visiting an important friend he hadn't seen in ages. The dodo that I am was like, 'err aren't you with someone?' and he comes back with 'yes, but i wanted you to know you're always on my mind and i'm not neglecting you so saying a hello' . I don't think anything or anyone has ever made me feel as special as that did me - and still does

- The postman brought me a tee shirt I said i loved which used to belong to him. I adore him for this

- Always opens the door for me :) Chivalry is not dead :)

- Remebers my favourite flowers

- Lets me moan and ramble on for hours, usually about work or someother equally inane thing or another

ETA: - how could I have forgotten to include taking me to see a play!! Dude was never a stage play kinda guy, yet on my birthday :) he offered to take me to see one. Nearly didn't make it sef, but totally enjoyed it! Best part? He suggested it and he totally loved it! :D *okay this isn't such a little thing, BIG thing actually*

It's the 'little' BIG things for me, the seemingly inconsequential stuff.

There's so much more, I haven't even scratched the surface! Lucky Lucky me. I only wish we didn't have to miss each other - cannot wait to see you again

Now to go hatch thank you plans :o)

dear you

I miss you so much already, I have not even left yet. I don't want to leave - I don't want to go back to not seeing you, not hugging you, not almost kissing you, not seeing you smile at me everyday - it hurts too damn much.

I miss you so much already, my heart literally hurts already. nothing can replace t awesomeness that is life when we chill together, my head on your heartbeat your smile in my heart.

I don't know when it happened - but somehow when I wasn't looking I fell head over arse for my bestfriend - I can't put a finger on when it happened but who cares? All I know is I feel like I'm finally home..with you and I never want to leave. 

the irony

You're right here next to me - yet I miss you something awful it hurts.   I missed you everyday when we were a thousand miles apart but nothing as much as this. how ironic is that? 

I briefly wondered -briefly - why I came. I remembered that I got on a plane bcause of 6 honest words you said to me "I really really really miss you". 

The irony, because right now, lying here listening to the rain fall and grateful for it muffling the sound of my quiet tears - I really really miss you.