#ontothenextone

It would have been okay if we were together, but we're not - and you're 'together' with someone else

It would not be okay if you were 'un-together' with said someone else and 'togethered' with me as much as i long for that because i'll question the basis

It would have to be alright, you would have to understand why i'm cutting you off. It's like attempting to take the proverbial pound of flesh without spilling a drop of blood

It would have been better if this never begun, but shit happened - i allowed shit to happen.

I would have to journey the road towards forgiving myself, and as often as the thought of blaming you for chasing relentlessly after me comes, i can't blame you because

It would have been a different story if i didn't give in to your relentless overtures. I was weak and allowed vulnerability to get the better of me. foolish.

It will have to end because i'm catching feelings..i learnt a little while ago that i'm incapable of dissociating my body from the rest of me

I will have to refuse your offering me your body, that i can do without: i want your mind, your thoughts, your journey, i want your heart

I'm letting go, i've hurt myself enough already. No, i refuse to blame you this is all on me. Afterall, I should have known better

So goodbye, i'll do my best to stop comparing myself to your 'together' and telling myself that i'm better than her and better with you in more ways than one - my arrogance is nauseating

Perhaps in the next life..perhaps.

*no title*

'Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, does not mean they do not love you the best way they know how'

This quote struck something within me when I saw it hours ago, and I still haven't been able to forget it.It judges me *I suppose I ought to say I've let it judge me*

Hmm..

24

24! chaii, the number's heavy in my mouth! LOL. I'm actually finding it really difficult to wrap my head around the fact that i'm 24 now! Good grief, where'd all the time go?

I had THE most wonderful birthday yesterday, without a doubt. The sun came out to play for the first time in while, it was warm and i got to leave work after lunch! It doesn't take much to please me. :)

Thoroughly enjoyed having friends over in the evening, i really did have a fantastic time. I'm chuffed that people think highly enough of me to come out :)

I'm sat here an hour past midnight reflecting on the day and boy, have i come a long way! Thank the good Lord.

If there's one thing i've learned it's that time, in my case a year, makes a broken heart hurt less as each day goes by.

I've learned that I'm incapable of dissociating mind/emotions from body. I tried it #epicfail. And so i'll sit here, reflect some more and beat myself over and over again,  until i get the message: if someone does not belong to you, LEAVE.WELL.ALONE. You'll only end uo hurting yourself. Kai, but i've been silly sha!

Talk about falling your own hand! I'm tayyad - i'm going back inside jare, enough of exploring other sides to life. Comfortable may be boring, but at least it's comfortable.

I've learned not to ignore feelings - yes i've mastered ruling myself and my feelings with an iron rod, but life'll be a lot less colourful if i carry on with the gaddaffi-like governance

I've learned how to enjoy life - regardless of external circumstances

Above all, i've learned that i musn't give myself so completely and freely to one who's not able to return the favour. I'd only hurt myself and nurse my wounds solo, because i was dumb enough to ignore the overriding externuating circumstances *smh at myself* mschewww

I'm gonna pick up the pieces of my life and take my own advice: I'm going to begin my 24th year as I mean to carry on. No.more.

I think about dad a lot more frequently now. Irrespective of my less than laudable choices pappy, i know you're proud of me. I miss that you're no longer here.

Happy new year to me.

Randoms

1. I think i'm finally ready to be in a relationship. I don't know how or when that happened, despite my fighting it ferociously, I have to admit it. I want to and i'm ready to try again.

2. I think about my ex-boyfriend a lot. A LOT. I wonder how he is and fight the urge to call/e-mail/text everyday. We broke up exactly 13 months ago. He was my first boyfriend.

3. I can't bear this crush I have on an unavailable gentle-man. It annoys me that it bothers me whenever i see him with his 'unofficial girlfriend'. Yeah, bullshit much.

4. I always wonder what career option i'd pursue if i gave up my current one. I think about it a lot, alarmingly. I'm in desperate need for motivation.

5. I experienced an epiphany recently : i'm not certain that I want to be what i always thought i want to be.

6. I finally want to learn how to cook. Because i want to. Not because people tell me i need to learn how to cook to please/keep a man.

7. I've been suicidal recently. I got so overwhelmed I was pre-occupied with thoughts of self harm. I now understand how people harm themselves as a cry for help. I tweeted most of my dark feelings and thoughts at the time and i see how friends mistake cries for help as eccentricity.

8. I'm sick to death of being asked to be in a relationship by people who don't understand my need to be some sort of friends first. How do you speak with me for the first time and tell me i'm beautiful and that you're in love with me and demand that I give you an answer immediately? I mean what the fuck?

9. I want to go home. I miss home. I miss my daddy and the heat.

10. When all is said and done, we are left on our lonesome with nothing but thoughts and memories.

11. Life is difficult.

the irony

Dammmnnnnn you Enitan for liking a guy that's unavailable!!

Took me exactly a year after my (first) break-up and then i go and get stuck on someone who's not available! That'll teach me..

so yeah, damnnnn you to blazes!

KMT!

no more me

I resent the fact that I hate my life right now, not least because i cannot justify that. On paper, life's good, not a single thing to mumur about actually. I don't even want to write about it, that's how shit i feel right now.

I don't know how I've managed to find myself so empty - yet again! Surrounded by so many people, yet so alone. I've learnt this lesson, mastered the curriculum - 'emotions are fickle and must not be allowed to define who you are. Change your situation by changing your words and therefore your thoughts'. I've aced that class numerous times - yet, here i find mysel again.

I suppose hating my job doesnt help. Today I expressed how disappointing it is to come to the realisation that you perhaps do not want to be everything you thought you always wanted to be, everything you've worked so hard for and sacrificed so much for.

I hate that I'm in such a state of mind. I hate that I don't care. I hate that for the first time today I wasn't interested in my patient and that I was palpably cold towards them. I hate that I resent the bureaucracy that makes my job so difficult. I hate all the boxes I have to tick to prove that i am what i'm not in order to progress to the next bullshit phase of the job.

I resent that fact that I've been procastinating so much, i haven't done anything because i'm in such a black state of mind. I'm not pleased that when i'm in such a state I pull back from the world and don't return calls or messages when the one thing i need, the one thing i want is a big bear hug and the assurance that everything will be alright. Surely it will be, it always is in the end.

I hate that I long for what and who I cannot have. I especially hate that I'm compelled to keep doing life the way i don't want to do it. I don't want to do this, i know that now. I don't want to be here, i know that now. Yet, I feel so trapped, so caged in and i see myself lashing out.

In a bid to be helpful someone asked me today, 'what makes you happy?'. I heaved a sigh of defeat when i couldn't even answer that. I've been doing what I have to do for so long now, i can't find Enitan anymore. She's lost in translation somewhere.

I hate that I don't know what to do to fix this. I don't like me like this. Unhappy, sad, unfufilled, alone, lonely and mostly just flipping tired. Just tired. I just wanna sleep. Lie in oblivion for a very long time. I don't want to have to keep fighting this and fighting through life on my own, by myself..i've run out of me. There is no more me.

I wondered today - how much of this is the effect of external pressure as opposed to how much is my reaction to said external pressure. I know what i need to do - in my head..I need to shake it off, quit the pity party and step to it. I know, i.just.can't. I have no more fight left in me. White flag's been hoisted up.


There's.just.no.more.me.left.

nothing serious

Girl in a 'nothing serious' state of mind

Boy in a 'nothing deep' state of mind

Girl meets boy, boy meets girl, they hang

Girl, while still in a 'nothing serious' state of mind, gets miffed about feeling like a jump- off

Girl is tripping/on a long ting?

#ontothenextone