Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Thursday, 12 January 2012
billy no mates
I'm sat here throwing a ginormous pity part for myself. Today i came to the realisation that i'm all alone, and lonely for the most part of it. I've finally got some time off work - 2 weeks off actually which in itself is awesome *ignoring the looming exam that i do not give a rats ass about* and all i want is a change of scene. I want to go somewhere nice with nice museums and galleries. Ideally i'd love to go to paris or spain - but i don't have the motivation or time for visa steez mehn, that ish is stressful. I'm actually alright with the 'big' cities in the UK, who to go with - absolutely nodody. Granted holiday in the middle of the week is a bit of a piss take, the holidays are over and there's no bank holiday so of course no-one's available and that stinks - i hate my job. Yes i blame it for my lack of social life, i'm NEVER around! Worked all through the holidays when i was supposed to be spending time with others and now i get time off in the middle of january for what now? Mscheww
Even sadder is the realisation that even if people weren't at work, who would i go on a mini-holiday with? *sigh* how did i turn out to be an almost 25 year old with hardly any friends? I'm used to being alone yes, i've had to deal with that since i was 15. Alone i can handle, being lonely stinks.
So after my exams on monday i've got a whole week off work with no one to spend it with and no where to go. I've done Edinburgh, Cardiff, Leeds, Brighton, Portsmouth - i'm thin on places to go. I want to go to cornwall but really i don't want to go all by myself *sigh* I still don't know how my life has turned out like this - again - i made a valiant effort last year and met the friendly friends - but thanks to pushpuller and my extreme methods of dealing with that, that's all gone down the drain.
I suppose it's not all bad, i could read for leisure, learn to paint better and not dwell on the sadness that is my life at the moment, and i suppose not travelling means i can save a bit for my relocation -- yes i am going back home, i have no life in this place neither am i happy here. i'd be doing myself a great disservice going through life half heartedly, i've been 'sensible' for the past quarter of a century - it's time to be happy abeg.
I'm working nights on the weekend of my birthday - ive been looking foward to my birthday since christmas. i'd be 25, it'd have been the first birthday i celebrated - besides my first birthday. I didn't have an 18th, i was broke and homeless living on someone's floor on my 21st so i'd been looking foward to a big blow out - evidently not. I feel like my job is robbing me of my life.
i want to go home, i want to go home and not come back. yes i'm following the fuel subsidy and other news, but it's home - i won't be alone or so chronically lonely, and i'd be free to love and be in love.
heaven keep my country and my people please. I'm done waiting for my life to start, it's time to kickstart it.
In the mean time, imma ride this funk out and do my best not to let the threatening tears fall. Igba die na lo ku (there's just a short time remaining).
I miss H and not even fighting it anymore. I let myself feel whatever i'm feeling and admit that he's the only joy in my life right about now and don't want him to leave
Even sadder is the realisation that even if people weren't at work, who would i go on a mini-holiday with? *sigh* how did i turn out to be an almost 25 year old with hardly any friends? I'm used to being alone yes, i've had to deal with that since i was 15. Alone i can handle, being lonely stinks.
So after my exams on monday i've got a whole week off work with no one to spend it with and no where to go. I've done Edinburgh, Cardiff, Leeds, Brighton, Portsmouth - i'm thin on places to go. I want to go to cornwall but really i don't want to go all by myself *sigh* I still don't know how my life has turned out like this - again - i made a valiant effort last year and met the friendly friends - but thanks to pushpuller and my extreme methods of dealing with that, that's all gone down the drain.
I suppose it's not all bad, i could read for leisure, learn to paint better and not dwell on the sadness that is my life at the moment, and i suppose not travelling means i can save a bit for my relocation -- yes i am going back home, i have no life in this place neither am i happy here. i'd be doing myself a great disservice going through life half heartedly, i've been 'sensible' for the past quarter of a century - it's time to be happy abeg.
I'm working nights on the weekend of my birthday - ive been looking foward to my birthday since christmas. i'd be 25, it'd have been the first birthday i celebrated - besides my first birthday. I didn't have an 18th, i was broke and homeless living on someone's floor on my 21st so i'd been looking foward to a big blow out - evidently not. I feel like my job is robbing me of my life.
i want to go home, i want to go home and not come back. yes i'm following the fuel subsidy and other news, but it's home - i won't be alone or so chronically lonely, and i'd be free to love and be in love.
heaven keep my country and my people please. I'm done waiting for my life to start, it's time to kickstart it.
In the mean time, imma ride this funk out and do my best not to let the threatening tears fall. Igba die na lo ku (there's just a short time remaining).
I miss H and not even fighting it anymore. I let myself feel whatever i'm feeling and admit that he's the only joy in my life right about now and don't want him to leave
Monday, 2 January 2012
early morning thoughts
Christmas was over in a flash. It's already 2nd Jan 2012. Wow, I've never been so uninterested. Must be what the grinch felt like :). I can't say it's been a fantastic 2011, it's been one hell of a year though. I'm glad it's over - so glad it's over.
I'm not excited about new beginnings or the rest of my life or whatever the lingo is - it feels like business as usual, I mean it's a bank holiday today and I'm getting up in a few hour for a 12hr shift - joy. I wish people would be a bit more sympathetic and not go 'well you knew that before you got into it' no, actually I didn't - but whatever.
I've been actively staying away from my friends recently - I'm doing that withdrawing thing again. I need to get myself togethher - I feel that bitter darkness creeping in again and I don't want to go there. No tears in 2012 enitan, man the fuck up.
Yesterday I found out that the girlfriend of one of tha guys who's been chasing me is heavily pregnant. Not rumour, I saw her. I know her, I knew he had a girlfriend but I didn't realise she was pregnant! I was sooo shocked, as in stupefied! I felt so small and hurt and bruised all at the same time. I know it's not my fault and he's a dickhead. At the same time I wondered if all people seem to think I'm good for is to be a side chic. Pushpuller did that, he did that so did someone else. I'm like what? I don't deserve to have someone's love and affection all to myself? I mean is side chic written on my forehead wtf?
I told H, bless him he was mad on my behalf! Lol. Boy, am I gLad that's well and truly done with.
I've been actively running away from push-puller, he's been actively trying to get my attention. His other is significantly around. I'm handling it the only way I know how - see no evil, feel no evil. It's definitely easier by miles, I'm just not there yet- I'm waiting to get to that place of indifference where I feel absolutely nothing *not that I've ever been capable of doing that but I'm trying*. It hurts a lot less when I see him now - significantly less which is good. I asked my Father to help me be done with it - sooner rather than later. The one thing I've learnt? - still water definitely run deep aptly describes me..I'm a 100% emotionally involved in whatever I get into - I didn't realise how deeply involved I'd gotten until it was too late. But, we're getting somewhere - treading water. I hope I'll be all fixed before they drop the bomb we're all expecting - seems like there's something in the water these days
Midnight came and I was in church, as usual. Pastor asked us to ask God for what we'd like and I actually surprised myself with what came out of my soul. I asked my Father to give me the desire to love him again - I used to love him and spend time with him, somehow I don't know how to manage my time to involve him any longer and by God do I need Him in my life! I need His friendship, mercy, comfort and guidance. I asked for total healing regarding residual hurt in my heart. I asked Him to please please tell me quickly what I should do, stay or relocate? I'm so in knots about this issue I need His guidance and direction soo badly! I asked Him to please give me someone for keeps - I don't want to spend another holiday alone without a friend, lover and partner. I've been alone too long I don't want to be anymore.
This month makes it 2years since my only previous relationship. I'm not fazed my the constant questions from concerned family and friends or the constant hooking up- I just need and want one for me. I'm so ready..I say that when I know I'm kinda unavailable-ish. I miss H & I know he misses me something fierce - I keep asking my Father why there's always a k-leg when it comes to me being with someone. Last one was far away, I didn't permit anything with mr portsmouth as he's so far away. H? Well, H is trans-atlantic. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm asking for too much to be with someone in close proxmity..sigh
I have an exam in a couple of weeks - for GP speacialist training applications. I haven't studied. I don't even know what to study. I don't actually care. I should care.
I will re-take my driving test. I'm hesitating because I don't wanna get a car only to sell It a few months later if I go home. Gosh I hate uncertainty!
I want to know what it is to live with a family-ive been away from home since I was 9 and I really yearn to be surrounded by people who love and care about me, warts and all. I'll make sure when I have my family we will be together more often than not - especially during the holidays.
My heart went out to Sting in her post about the bitch-assness that is medical school. Med school IS difficult. It's soul destroying and no-one outside it understands. I'm rooting for you sting, you deserve to come out of it better, stronger and happier!
I wish H could come visit, I miss him loads.
I'm not excited about new beginnings or the rest of my life or whatever the lingo is - it feels like business as usual, I mean it's a bank holiday today and I'm getting up in a few hour for a 12hr shift - joy. I wish people would be a bit more sympathetic and not go 'well you knew that before you got into it' no, actually I didn't - but whatever.
I've been actively staying away from my friends recently - I'm doing that withdrawing thing again. I need to get myself togethher - I feel that bitter darkness creeping in again and I don't want to go there. No tears in 2012 enitan, man the fuck up.
Yesterday I found out that the girlfriend of one of tha guys who's been chasing me is heavily pregnant. Not rumour, I saw her. I know her, I knew he had a girlfriend but I didn't realise she was pregnant! I was sooo shocked, as in stupefied! I felt so small and hurt and bruised all at the same time. I know it's not my fault and he's a dickhead. At the same time I wondered if all people seem to think I'm good for is to be a side chic. Pushpuller did that, he did that so did someone else. I'm like what? I don't deserve to have someone's love and affection all to myself? I mean is side chic written on my forehead wtf?
I told H, bless him he was mad on my behalf! Lol. Boy, am I gLad that's well and truly done with.
I've been actively running away from push-puller, he's been actively trying to get my attention. His other is significantly around. I'm handling it the only way I know how - see no evil, feel no evil. It's definitely easier by miles, I'm just not there yet- I'm waiting to get to that place of indifference where I feel absolutely nothing *not that I've ever been capable of doing that but I'm trying*. It hurts a lot less when I see him now - significantly less which is good. I asked my Father to help me be done with it - sooner rather than later. The one thing I've learnt? - still water definitely run deep aptly describes me..I'm a 100% emotionally involved in whatever I get into - I didn't realise how deeply involved I'd gotten until it was too late. But, we're getting somewhere - treading water. I hope I'll be all fixed before they drop the bomb we're all expecting - seems like there's something in the water these days
Midnight came and I was in church, as usual. Pastor asked us to ask God for what we'd like and I actually surprised myself with what came out of my soul. I asked my Father to give me the desire to love him again - I used to love him and spend time with him, somehow I don't know how to manage my time to involve him any longer and by God do I need Him in my life! I need His friendship, mercy, comfort and guidance. I asked for total healing regarding residual hurt in my heart. I asked Him to please please tell me quickly what I should do, stay or relocate? I'm so in knots about this issue I need His guidance and direction soo badly! I asked Him to please give me someone for keeps - I don't want to spend another holiday alone without a friend, lover and partner. I've been alone too long I don't want to be anymore.
This month makes it 2years since my only previous relationship. I'm not fazed my the constant questions from concerned family and friends or the constant hooking up- I just need and want one for me. I'm so ready..I say that when I know I'm kinda unavailable-ish. I miss H & I know he misses me something fierce - I keep asking my Father why there's always a k-leg when it comes to me being with someone. Last one was far away, I didn't permit anything with mr portsmouth as he's so far away. H? Well, H is trans-atlantic. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm asking for too much to be with someone in close proxmity..sigh
I have an exam in a couple of weeks - for GP speacialist training applications. I haven't studied. I don't even know what to study. I don't actually care. I should care.
I will re-take my driving test. I'm hesitating because I don't wanna get a car only to sell It a few months later if I go home. Gosh I hate uncertainty!
I want to know what it is to live with a family-ive been away from home since I was 9 and I really yearn to be surrounded by people who love and care about me, warts and all. I'll make sure when I have my family we will be together more often than not - especially during the holidays.
My heart went out to Sting in her post about the bitch-assness that is medical school. Med school IS difficult. It's soul destroying and no-one outside it understands. I'm rooting for you sting, you deserve to come out of it better, stronger and happier!
I wish H could come visit, I miss him loads.
Tuesday, 27 December 2011
thoughts
I think my ex-boyfriend hates me. But then again, why wouldn't he? I did tell him I am no longer in love with him, told him to stop waiting and pining for me. We broke up 23months ago afterall, circumstances that led to that haven't changed either. I don't know why it kinda stung that he was a bit short with me - I don't know why I expected any different. I only contacted him to wish him a merry christmas - I should know better really. I ought to stop popping up in his life. I wonder if all that is some unexplored guilt I have - I know that I caused inexplicable damage and pain - I perhaps shouldn't have seen him last month. *sigh* I really do respect him. My best friend thinks I'm in love with him still. I wonder if I was ever IN love with him. I loved him - yes, without a doubt - but was I IN love with him? *sigh* I don't even think I know what that is.
I've been really really seriously considering moving home recently. I'm asking God for a sign, confirmation - I loathe to do something major without hearing from him. But I so strongly feel my time here is rounding up and it's time for a new phase, a new season in my life. I thought given time I would shake that inkling off but it's not working. Someone said I must be out of my mind even thinking that in the current economic / national security situation referring to the bombings that happened on christmas day. I say I refuse to make decisions based on the fear of an unknown future. Tomorrow's not promised today to anyone. Someone was shot in manchester, another stabbed to death in London on boxing dAy - so go figure. As long as I'm where God wants me to be, I'm happy. But I think it may be happening - I think I want it to be happening.
I'm intensely fed up with the constant 'hooking me up' going on recently. Yes I know I've been single for 2 years - but I'm not defective -honest! I just need to be with someone I want to be with and who's worthy of being with me - yes I said it: worthy to be with me! I'm a fragile, fragile person. Especially after pushpuller, I'm not in a position to be played with. My sister sent me a text asking if she could pass my details on to a 'delightful young doctor' and then asked me to keep an open mind when I said he's half way across the atlantic. My last relationship ended a year and half into an LDR - main reason I left anyway! I mean if I'm gonna do that at all, it most certainly will be with someone I know wants me for keeps #sigh - we'll see
The girl with the dragon tattoo was friggin awesome! Totally rocked! I loveee her tatts! It's re-awakened my lust for them, I still want one soo bad! Toying with the idea of getting one for my birthday. I just cannot reconcile what the Bible has to say about it to getting one. Mehnnnn :o( H wants one too! His sister got one and I loved it...we'll see :)
I miss H - a lot. All day, everyday.. Sucks. Sucks big hairy monkey balls - SUCKS!
I've been really really seriously considering moving home recently. I'm asking God for a sign, confirmation - I loathe to do something major without hearing from him. But I so strongly feel my time here is rounding up and it's time for a new phase, a new season in my life. I thought given time I would shake that inkling off but it's not working. Someone said I must be out of my mind even thinking that in the current economic / national security situation referring to the bombings that happened on christmas day. I say I refuse to make decisions based on the fear of an unknown future. Tomorrow's not promised today to anyone. Someone was shot in manchester, another stabbed to death in London on boxing dAy - so go figure. As long as I'm where God wants me to be, I'm happy. But I think it may be happening - I think I want it to be happening.
I'm intensely fed up with the constant 'hooking me up' going on recently. Yes I know I've been single for 2 years - but I'm not defective -honest! I just need to be with someone I want to be with and who's worthy of being with me - yes I said it: worthy to be with me! I'm a fragile, fragile person. Especially after pushpuller, I'm not in a position to be played with. My sister sent me a text asking if she could pass my details on to a 'delightful young doctor' and then asked me to keep an open mind when I said he's half way across the atlantic. My last relationship ended a year and half into an LDR - main reason I left anyway! I mean if I'm gonna do that at all, it most certainly will be with someone I know wants me for keeps #sigh - we'll see
The girl with the dragon tattoo was friggin awesome! Totally rocked! I loveee her tatts! It's re-awakened my lust for them, I still want one soo bad! Toying with the idea of getting one for my birthday. I just cannot reconcile what the Bible has to say about it to getting one. Mehnnnn :o( H wants one too! His sister got one and I loved it...we'll see :)
I miss H - a lot. All day, everyday.. Sucks. Sucks big hairy monkey balls - SUCKS!
Saturday, 17 December 2011
randoms
I've been looking forward to this weekend for the past 2 weeks. Just did a 2week stretch at work and was completely shattered, so I was looking forward to spending the entire weekend in bed.
It took me 3hours to clean my entire apartment today + tidy my wardrobe. I live alone..yeah..
I totally love banky w's new song 'low key' - it was on repeat the entire 3hours I spent cleaning, my neighbour must hate me now :p
I haven't felt lonely in a long time, it totally hit me by suprise today. I really really wanted someone around. Not just anybody though #sigh. The holidays are always the hardest
My amazing, out of this world super awesome friend H showed me what it is to have someone be there for you and I love him even more. I totally appreciate that he's so thoughful. Just simple things like wishing me a good day. Sending me an auto-tune cat to wish me a good day (hehe), staying up all night so when I got off at unholy hour he'd be awake to talk to me. It's amazing to have him just be available, be there. Love H.
Travis from gym class heros is THE hottest man on earth. I want to have his babies! :D
Someone said to me that they miss me which so irritated me. I really hate empty words, don't say some thing if you don't mean it! I'm like really? You miss me? That's why I've heard from you like once in 2 weeks right? You have my phone number, my bb pin, my email address, you know where I live, heck you follow me on twitter! GTFOH with that bullshit joh! Mscheww. It's always all about the actions and not just words. I'm like dude abeg.
Someone apologised for badgering me to date him. I kinda didn't know how to respond to that. I appreciated him man-ning up to apologise to my face not via text or phone. I stopped listening when he asked if I'm 'still single'
I miss H - a lot.
The holidays are always the hardest
It took me 3hours to clean my entire apartment today + tidy my wardrobe. I live alone..yeah..
I totally love banky w's new song 'low key' - it was on repeat the entire 3hours I spent cleaning, my neighbour must hate me now :p
I haven't felt lonely in a long time, it totally hit me by suprise today. I really really wanted someone around. Not just anybody though #sigh. The holidays are always the hardest
My amazing, out of this world super awesome friend H showed me what it is to have someone be there for you and I love him even more. I totally appreciate that he's so thoughful. Just simple things like wishing me a good day. Sending me an auto-tune cat to wish me a good day (hehe), staying up all night so when I got off at unholy hour he'd be awake to talk to me. It's amazing to have him just be available, be there. Love H.
Travis from gym class heros is THE hottest man on earth. I want to have his babies! :D
Someone said to me that they miss me which so irritated me. I really hate empty words, don't say some thing if you don't mean it! I'm like really? You miss me? That's why I've heard from you like once in 2 weeks right? You have my phone number, my bb pin, my email address, you know where I live, heck you follow me on twitter! GTFOH with that bullshit joh! Mscheww. It's always all about the actions and not just words. I'm like dude abeg.
Someone apologised for badgering me to date him. I kinda didn't know how to respond to that. I appreciated him man-ning up to apologise to my face not via text or phone. I stopped listening when he asked if I'm 'still single'
I miss H - a lot.
The holidays are always the hardest
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Dear you
My heart broke into a thousand shards when i heard the first tear fall - yes i heard it clearly. You were being so brave, trying to 'man up', you didn't want me to think little of you, yet my heart was breaking. It shattered because I didn't know what to do, I couldn't hold you in my arms like i wanted to, so i let you speak until you had nothing left to say. You talked and cried and laughed and talked some more at the same time, I listened to your words but all i heard was pain, and my heart broke for not being able to do anything. It's the most frustrating feeling you know - seeing pain and suffering and being able to do fuck all about it. I heard clearly.
I tossed and turned afterwards, searched my little MD knowledge to see if there was anything I could do, anything that I could suggest but I got nothing. I didn't know what to do and so I prayed for you. I asked my Father to show me how I could help you be better, I asked him to help me be some healing for you. I asked him to give you a great big hug for me and tell you that everything is going to be alright. Everything IS alright. I asked him to please remind you to speak to him and ask him for help. I asked him to show you how far you've come, to help you see the road ahead of you and not the one you've left behind. I asked him for a lot of things for you, but most of all, I asked him to please love you for me, because i wasn't doing a good job of it.
I wish you'd let me be there for you, let me love you. You had a horrid day yesterday and I felt all kinds of guilty because i only got to know so late in the day - after i'd been rattling on about my non-issues. I wish you'd let me take some of the bad for you because that's why I'm here. This is what i do - i help, i try to make things better, I listen, I offer a shoulder or two, I'm the sounding board when you're pissed off and need to vent. Life's not all sugar and light all the time, we both know it, I wish you wouldn't try so hard just to present the 'man up' version of yourself to me, I don't need that, I don't want that. 100% honesty - no more, no less - is us, it has to be us because I can't fit to explain how much you mean to me and I hope I tell you that often enough for you to believe it.
You don't have to do life on your own, you most certainly don't have to do November on your own. I'll bully you if you don't let me * :o) *
I wish you'd let me be here for you, I wish you'd tell me how to be here for you, teach me how to be present for you. I wish you'd let me love you...
I tossed and turned afterwards, searched my little MD knowledge to see if there was anything I could do, anything that I could suggest but I got nothing. I didn't know what to do and so I prayed for you. I asked my Father to show me how I could help you be better, I asked him to help me be some healing for you. I asked him to give you a great big hug for me and tell you that everything is going to be alright. Everything IS alright. I asked him to please remind you to speak to him and ask him for help. I asked him to show you how far you've come, to help you see the road ahead of you and not the one you've left behind. I asked him for a lot of things for you, but most of all, I asked him to please love you for me, because i wasn't doing a good job of it.
I wish you'd let me be there for you, let me love you. You had a horrid day yesterday and I felt all kinds of guilty because i only got to know so late in the day - after i'd been rattling on about my non-issues. I wish you'd let me take some of the bad for you because that's why I'm here. This is what i do - i help, i try to make things better, I listen, I offer a shoulder or two, I'm the sounding board when you're pissed off and need to vent. Life's not all sugar and light all the time, we both know it, I wish you wouldn't try so hard just to present the 'man up' version of yourself to me, I don't need that, I don't want that. 100% honesty - no more, no less - is us, it has to be us because I can't fit to explain how much you mean to me and I hope I tell you that often enough for you to believe it.
You don't have to do life on your own, you most certainly don't have to do November on your own. I'll bully you if you don't let me * :o) *
I wish you'd let me be here for you, I wish you'd tell me how to be here for you, teach me how to be present for you. I wish you'd let me love you...
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
iRant
I feel very resentful towards the 'sensible thing to do' and for a change,I do not feel guilty about being resentful.
I'm fed up with this place and my job - I loathe using the word 'carer'. Yes, I should be thankful I have a 'good job' hheard that a million times over, but forgive me for not being ecstatic about said job. I'm still waiting to like it a year ad a half later - I man what are the chances?
Everyone says to me incredulously 'but you're a doctor! what would you do otherwise?' I always say having the ability and acquired skill to do something should not condemn you to doing that for life. what would do otherwise? how would know? I have never had a chance to explore anything else and I really want to.
I'm resentful because I want to go home. I hate that I feel stuck/trapped here on the conveyor belt of 'postgraduate training'. I mentioned to my friend that if I had any other career, I could just up and leave, but oh no, I should specialise before going back and bla bla bla. As much as that makes sense in theory, 1. I do not want to specialise in secondary care 2. Specialisation takes a miminimum of 8-10 years (except 3 yrs for GP) 3. I do not want to put my life on hold for a job I do not like ad while it 'makes sense' - at the end of the day, what 'is sensible' is not beneficial to everyone, what if it does not make sense to my life/destiny? *sigh*
Specialist applications opened yesterday and I'm filling in a form loathing every second of it. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, but eventually I have to do me, I want to go home. 10 years in this place is long enough. 2 years in this horridness is long enough.
I. have. had. enough. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start and I do not like it.
I need to make a decision - the right one. question is what is it?
I'm fed up with this place and my job - I loathe using the word 'carer'. Yes, I should be thankful I have a 'good job' hheard that a million times over, but forgive me for not being ecstatic about said job. I'm still waiting to like it a year ad a half later - I man what are the chances?
Everyone says to me incredulously 'but you're a doctor! what would you do otherwise?' I always say having the ability and acquired skill to do something should not condemn you to doing that for life. what would do otherwise? how would know? I have never had a chance to explore anything else and I really want to.
I'm resentful because I want to go home. I hate that I feel stuck/trapped here on the conveyor belt of 'postgraduate training'. I mentioned to my friend that if I had any other career, I could just up and leave, but oh no, I should specialise before going back and bla bla bla. As much as that makes sense in theory, 1. I do not want to specialise in secondary care 2. Specialisation takes a miminimum of 8-10 years (except 3 yrs for GP) 3. I do not want to put my life on hold for a job I do not like ad while it 'makes sense' - at the end of the day, what 'is sensible' is not beneficial to everyone, what if it does not make sense to my life/destiny? *sigh*
Specialist applications opened yesterday and I'm filling in a form loathing every second of it. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, but eventually I have to do me, I want to go home. 10 years in this place is long enough. 2 years in this horridness is long enough.
I. have. had. enough. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start and I do not like it.
I need to make a decision - the right one. question is what is it?
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