empty

Why am I totally emotionless at the news that a friend most very very very likely has lymphoma? I'm so very blergh about it, I actually have no feelings about this..

I feel sorrier for the mongoose being torn apart by wild dogs on nat geo playing in my background than i feel for my friend who's alone in hospital with the fear that she probably has cancer

Relationships do NOT come naturally - at least not to me. I have a degree in being temporarily happy and then succumbing to the most overwhelming feeling of entrapment and the unrelenting need to run, hide out under a cave somewhere and just never come up for air ever again

Sometimes I wish for armageddon, rapture, end of the world, whatever it's called these days, I get so weary of earth, of life.

I cannnot.

what ifs

'what if I don't relocate?' 


Is the question that's been reverberating in my mind for well over a week - well over a week and more loudly so since I desperately asked for some clarification. I've always wanted to ask and have been procrastinating for ages. Now i'm kinda like it'd look like a knee jerk reaction to the events that happened on Sunday, obviously I know it's not. He doesn't.

No there's nothing wrong - absolutely nothing wrong. 6 days to the 3 month mark and the good old monster rears its head. I'm convinced something happened in my past life to make me this way - completely incapable of being plural. I have no other explanation.

There's nothing more desperately distressing than indecisiveness and trying to make decisions based on information you don't have.

Why now? Why didn't I ask this earlier? I dunno, I actually don't know but it has been bugging me for ages, I suppose more so because this agreement was established on the premise that this relocation will happen. I'm like err, so what if I don't go - and you clearly aren't coming (we had this conversation) then err, what are we doing? Evidently I have a PhD in ruining peoples' lives.

Truth, I've been bent on relocating for a few months now, but what if i don't? I'm here until at least early next year anyway and I do have a 3 year training programme  - all things being equal by God's grace as nothing's set in stone.

The obvious response to this is what if i do?

Somehow I always manage to get caught up in drama..#sigh

aeons ago

looking in on my life there's not much difficult about going to work daily,
checking emails daily, meeting deadlines and updating portfolios.Today I checked said emails after about a month and the amount of stuff I've missed is legendary, I'm suprised I've not been fired since! But truth
be told I'm struggling to care. This is not the life I envisioned for myself. I'm tired of being here and I just want to relocate. The boy says I should give it some attention, how can I not care? I recognise what I'm doing subconsciously as self sabotage-if I'm passive enough,things will just fall in place.*smh*why not
just go home?because my indefinate leave to remain is due in december
It makes sense to stay for that,even though getting an extension until then
Is shaky.It's easier not to care. Truth is I broke aeons ago.

if wishes were horses

If wishes were horses, i'd wish i didn't see you at S9

I'd wish us back to many months ago when we left it at that

I'd wish i wasn't all stupid inside for a little while; questioning my decision

If wishes were horses, i'd wish i didn't try again only to be reminded your lack of effort, will, drive

I'd wish you understood that you have to work for something, someone you want. Saying you want them isn't enough

If wishes were horses, i'd wish i never met you

I'd wish i understood what emotion is masquerading as loss and regret

I wouldn't be up wondering why you're in hospital on your birthday, concerned and ticked off that you're not answering your phone

I wouldn't be wondering why i'm wondering who's by your side

If only wishes were horses

me

It takes as much wisdom and strength to quit as does to grit your teeth
and bear it

That awful place where you see yourself tumbling head first down the
slope and you're totally powerless to pull the brakes

I thought I was grown beyond bouts of *i loathe to say depression*
periods of intense funk, evidently not all I think I am.

I still am the person who pushes people away when I need them the
most *sigh* I withdraw so much, hurt those who love me. I see I am
doing it but too wrapped up in my own shit *sigh* To make amends

Today I smiled a smile that reached my eyes. It came from down in my
belly, up through my eyes and rested on my lips. It felt strange, familiar
but wonderfully refreshing.

I'm still dressed like a tramp, but I put earrings on today and smiled -progress!

Head knowledge and heart knowledge are as different as night and day. I
know in my head that I'm priviledged, lucky, blessed and alladat - I KNOW
those to be irrefutably true yet I scraping the bottom of the barrel - evidently
it takes more than positive confessions and telling yourself to get over yourself
what am I missing?

it gets harder everyday

I have never despised a job so much

I do not remember the last time was so tearful or felt so trapped

Lord have mercy on my soul 

François de La Rochefoucauld

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.  ~ François de La Rochefoucauld