A Sliver of History

Sunday, 23 September 2012

a little almost big slip of the tongue

That's how I was trying to say 'I fell asleep', my brain decided it was going to override my tongue and i found myself starting to say 'I fell in..' - thank heavens for quick reflexes lol - i'm not about to be saying that.. yet!

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Detox

I was in a pretty good mood today,despite the heavy downpour, put on my bright yellow skirt and even brighter red lippie to run a few errands and meet up with a friend to catch up over a cuppa. I have a pretty good gut instinct even if i say so myself and ought to know by now to trust it - it's never failed me. Closer to meet up I couldn't ignore the need to bolt home and cancel the date, but being the polite person I am, I refused to be deliberately so rude. Perhaps if I had cancelled, I wouldn't be sitting here, writing and listening to muyiwa and riversongs on full blast trying to shake off this funk and cloud of negative energy currently sat about me, I feel like the little joy i had has been sucked outta me after that cuppa. I'm currently hovering between being completely down and angry - I ought to know better. Time and life is precious - we must be selective about who we let into our space and influence us. Again, i ought to know that. I need a 'friend' detox - evidently.

So I may not have my life all figured out and in all shades of roses but I really really did not feel good about being told that i'm apathetic and should know by now that life is for living, it's not boring but instead I am the boring one. I should have said something at the time? I was to busy listening to the words i was stupidly being allowed to be sown into my soul to come up with a response. I was sat there thinking, they are my tweets, it's my twitter account, i can vent when i want! To take my tweets and colour me all shades of apathetic was hurtful. It started with the way said friend will never ask after me anymore after reading my tweets because when ever she asks, i say i'm fine and she seems to be wrong and that 'if one is wrong all the time then it's time to stop'. This time i did respond - i said and still say, i AM fine. I have a moment and tweet that i feel jaded and a bit apathetic towards the olympics and suddenly i have issues and live life and stop being apathetic and boring? *sigh*

Thank God for strength and maturity because even if her words did make me feel like such a failure, I KNOW i'm anything but. Crickey, one's not allowed to be a mess no matter how fleeting every now and then? It's not a good thing to leave someone's presence and feel like you need a giant hug.

You don't like something- change it. Someone sucks the life out of you - keep yourself away from such toxic aura. I have enough on my plate to deal with someone's opinion of me i can do without. No i'm not against criticism, but constructive and at least true. I refuse to be made - intentionally or unintentionally - to feel like a snivelling less than human being. I am quite awesome even if i say so myself.

I still want that hug. As that's not feasible, i'll make do with Lara George's awesome voice , might throw in a bit of sonnie badu and all shall be right in my world soon enough.

Monday, 13 August 2012

once upon a time

I must have been all of what? 12 or 13 i think, first year of senior secondary school when I initially came across the word 'empty' in a different context. My school mum at the time, looked me straight in the eye and said to me 'you are empty'

I remember the day vividly. A previous classmate of ours had come to visit after having left school a few classes before. Everyone was in such an excited tizz, falling over themselves to go see her in the courtyard and there I was laying my bed about to enjoy a nap. My school mum shoots me a arent you going to see your friend look? I go 'no i'm not, what difference does that make to my life? she's been and gone and moved on. My pretending to be excited to see her affects forex how?' which prompted the pronounciation of emptiness

I didn't understand it for a long time, for a long long time and then she explained it to me. My life had nothing to it, nothing in it! I woke up, went to school, slept, didn't really have any friends and did it all over again the next day. She was right, there was nothing to my life, i had no hopes, no dreams, no ambitions, i didn't look foward to anything really and just existed. Nothing made me excited, nothing kept me going really apart from the fact that i had to. I existed, i wasn't living, i was empty.

Tried my hand woefully at trying to fill the void with just about everything - nothing fit. Absolutely nothing. Not a person, not academics, nothing. The only thing that fit the emptiness is what was missing. Took me a while - months to realise it was God who was missing. Nothing fits a God size hole in one's soul - nothing. Not money, not lovers, not the society's idea of success, nothing except God fits a God size hole in the soul.

You can't ride on the coat tails of someone else's salvation. Your happiness is no one's responsibility except your's. It's no one's duty to make and keep you happy. Happiness is so fleeting, Joy - real Joy comes from the Most High.