Setting fire to the rain

I've had Adele's 'set fire to the rain' on repeat for the past 2 weeks. It's beyond beautiful

I don't believe there's only one 'soul mate' for a person in life, I believe there are several

Is there any sense in being afraid of seemingly getting what you asked for?

I need wisdom - lots of it. Confounded my too many options and i don't like it - all it does is stress me out. oh, to have a crystal ball..

How do you know something's of God and not a shoddy immitation from the pits of hell?

I'm very scared of making the wrong decision. I'm scared i'll irretrievably fuck things up - royally

I hate confrontation, I cannot bear hurting another - usually to my own detriment

I had the most emotionally stressful holiday ever, I need a holiday to recover from the one i just had!

I don't know what to do about Mr  Porstmouth  and i'm scared - very scared and totally confused too, but more worried about making the wrong decision and hurting him, or the right decision and hurting him *sigh*

Why does faith require a leap? Can't it be just a tiny step? Unfair

I miss H something awful, it's not even funny. It's not funny.at.all. We've always had this mad connection, it's scary. And if i'm to be honest with myself, he's the reason why i'm even more unsure about what to do about Mr Portsmouth

I've been avoiding talking to him today, I need a clear head + wisdom to do that. So he'll have to wait unfortunately

To my own self I have to be true

Ignorance is not bliss, it's dangerous

Running away from stuff is never the solution, as much as i'd love to be an ostritch and bury my head in the sand right now

I want to start all over - wipe the slate clean and start over. Completely.

?loving

Being asked to be someone's girlfriend should not be heartbreakingly difficult should it? And yet for the second time in my life i find myself at this place - this horrid horrid place where i'm stuck. Unhappy stuck.

I like Mr Pompey - I like Mr Pompey a lot but i've spent the past 4 days trying to come up with a way to say "how's about you ask me later? How's about you ask me when we get to know each other better? How's about you ask me when we're actually friends - cuz these days, friend is a word used loosely? How's about you ask me when you know me well enough and I know you well enough? Because you see, I'm not a 'date for the heck of it kinda girl' I need to know there's substance, that there's a foundation and that there's scope for it not to be a fling. Because I dont want to be someone's winter roll in the hay. Because I'm not there yet - because when i decide to be with someone i'm there 150%, but i need something more than where we're at now before i do that. Because i've been trying to convinve myself that you being in pompey doesnt matter, but it matters shit loads to me. The last person i attempted to love was far away, a year and a half of far away took it outta me. I need - not want - need more than a weekend boyfriend. I need to be able to see you half way through the week. I need you to be available, because while i'm stoic all on my own, if i'm going to be 150% then I need someone around. I don't want to do a LDR anymore because my needs have moved on from that"

Yeah, i havent come up with a way to say this. I'm not making Mr Pompey wait for the hell of it - i don't play games. I suppose it's been difficult for me and I didn't outrightly say no like i'd normally do, because fuck me, i actually like Mr Pompey, but i'm just not there yet, we're just not there yet. I didn't say no outright because - i guess if i'm being honest with myself - because i like him and because i wanted to see if time would change anything, because i wanted to buy time.

Will be believe me? I dunno. Will he understand? I hope so. I shrug my shoulders as i think about the other people i've told this to, who didn't believe me but instead went ahead to wipe me outta their lives. I suppose if Mr Pompey turns out to be one of those i'll get over it eventually - heck i got over pushpuller! If he doesn't, it'll be great to see if we can get there. But i'm acutely aware that i'm not working on my own time, i'm meeting a deadline. *sigh*

Shame really, i'm sure if i could afford time, if things were different and Mr Pompey could 'date' me properly things may just be different - but que sera sera. One doesn't always get what one wants and the universe often decides to throw a spanner in the works.

Damn me for being a head over heart kinda person..but this is me - this is really me. It's a gift i pay for - emotionally - very dearly..but what to do?



*sigh*

living and laughing + ?loving

It was the perfect date - my kinda date :)

I'm a water baby, my happiest place on earth is the beach. So a nice, long walk on the sea front prior to dinner was just perfect. There's something about the sea breeze yo :) . Quick stop off at church to help out with the fresher's event *a couple of embarrasing 'you look good together comments* , change of clothing and off for an Italian dinner - at the Marina! Brownie points for the sea side location :D


Dinner was great - company was great. Conversation was light, easy and flowed. I giggled to myself when the similarity between this first date and the first date with the ex-boy was immediately apparent. There must be something about me that makes guys spill about all previous and, where applicable, current women in their lives without my asking..hehe.. Nonetheless, dinner was awesome, the hours flew by!

The loooooonngggg walk around town after dinner was the icing on the cake, was actually my favourite part of the evening. I love to walk and chat - that's my kinda date. The weather was just right, we wondered town for well over an hour chatting about everything and nothing and eventually headed back home - to sit under the duvet watching old movies! lol, fell asleep at some point in the early hours of the morning.

I really did have a wonderful time and was pleasantly suprised by his attention to detail and the spontaneity of the evening, The long walk was a spontaneous idea - and it worked out just beautifully.

Was well worth the journey and my eventually saying yes to dinner for the umpteenth time! He'd been asking - persistently, for well over 9 months now *covering my face in shame*  - timing is crucial yo! lol

I'm a traditional girl at heart, i love things to be done properly. So brownie points given to c.y for ringing me to ask me to dinner yet again - not text, no ping, no bbm, no whatsapp. Simple, honest call to ask 'would you please have dinner with me?' :) :) *be still my beating heart* lol

I'm well aware of the new age, modern, independent woman steez but I'm still old school - he chose the resturant and paid for dinner, and no, i didn't offer to split the bill - i don't do that on the first date! :)

And so, after the wonderful evening that was saturday in pompey, right before drifting off to sleep after watching Mr Popper's Penguins :p c.y says ' i'm glad you came, dinner was great. I can't believe you actually eventually came. I like you and would like Enitan to be my girlfriend'.

I swear the blood pumping through my arteries froze! I most certainly was not expecting that - I went to dinner without any ulterior motives and wasn't expecting any. I didn't have any prior inidications that he may have been thinking along those lines. But i was floored because he asked! He actually asked. I was soo shocked and touched by how sweet that is all at the same time.I mean people still ask girls to be their girlfriends? In this age of instant messaging and just falling into exclusivity,, that I was asked clearly impressed me. Heck i'm still in shock! :D

So yes, this is me attempting to follow my own mantra of - live, love, laugh - everyday. Life is too short to be toyed with. Tomorrow is not promised today - to any one. So, I lived and laughed - a lot - down south this weekend.

Am i loving? I'm thinking about it. I really am thinking about it...

all grow-ed up

Both things I was looking foward to this past weekend did not happen - and I am a bit gutted yeah, but not depressingly so. Yay for being all 'grow-ed up!' :D

I failed my driving test yet again - annoying beccause of 'clutch control' - yeah DVLA ignore the fact that it was a car I'd NEVER driven! Sigh - back to commuting and yet more money on driving lessons! It's annoying when your feedbacck is 'you can drive BUT' - *exhaling*

on a more upsetting note, my date with Jamaica man didn't happen! I'd been looking foward to it all week! Met him at a friend's party the weekend before and he's hella funny and sweet so I figured hey, why the hell not :D was supposed to picck me up at half 6 - I'd got dressed and ready and ..nothing.

Then I got a text 45minutes later saying 'are we still on for tonight?' Gosh was I hella annoyed! I HATE HATE lateness and the lack of common sense to text to tell me that you're running late. So I politely told him not to bother coming to pick me up as I was 'already out of my dress' *rolling eyes*

As much as I was looking forward to it and even after his cute apology and offer for a 'walk and a chat instead' I still said no - it's not fronting as I've been accused of, lol, it's all about principles joh. I figured if he wanted to see me that much he can re-schedule and be on time!

I on the other hand am over the disappointment - ish. :D

Roll on next weekend! Dinner and drinks in pompey! I finally said yes to that 8 months later check me out! :D I'm making an effort to - live, laugh and love..failing on the 'love' bit for now..I'm looking forward to that though when it eventially comes - I've got soo much love to give and need so much of it myself

I've decided that I cannot be friends with pushpuller. I've tried, given it a go but just no. I cannot. I'm over him yes - even bought a pair of killer shoes to congratulate myself :D (the shoes which subsequently was Jamaica man's opening line lol). Now when I think of pushpuller, that searing pain and shame doesn't come up any more just attempted indifference and. Wishing never to have been involved with him lol. Heck, I even smiled at his other and was nice! But yeah. It's too difficcult for me abeg, it's unnecessary and frankly, I don't have to be friends with him. Let's leave it at forgiveness and moving on.

Sooooo looking forward to my 12 day holiday in Lagos Nigeria yoo! It's been 3 years I'm soo excited, bring on suya and ankara! :D :D

first steps

They say admitting a problem is the first step to freedom. So here goes:

Hi, I'm enitan and I have emotional problems.A year to get over a relationship of a year and a half. 3 months later and still seriously struggling to get over the fuckery of a 7 month long 'thing'. It doesn't even have a name : it was just a 'thing'. I tried going cold turkey and even tried desensitisation - zilch! So we're riding it out and waiting it out. Getting there slow and steady. Blue in the face from praying about it sef.

Hi, I'm enitan and I don't like my job. I should say career really but the word career implies long term and something you actually like to do. It's neither of that for me. It's just a place I absolutely hate going to and the ass kissing and continuing studying it involves that makes me hate it more.

Hi, I'm enitan and I'm seriously considering a career change. What to do though? I need to figure out what I CAN do and what I LOVE to do. I have figured out so far though that it has to be a 9-5. No awful nights or weekend shifts. I need stability in my life man. So I've got till next summer to figure it out. Maybe I should do them on-line compatibility thingy bobs..

Hi, I'm enitan and I'm blessed! :D

don't ask, don't tell

I don't understand it. I have a day off after an 85 hour week and 'na me dey enjoy'

I say i'm exhausted because i'm working long hours and I 'shouldn't look for sympathy because at least I'm getting paid?'


ALWAYS pisses me off when people spew schit like this. If you really don't want to know how i am, don't ask me! 'how are you' is not merely an opening statement. If you don't wanna know, don't ask.

I suppose I shouldn't be mad. My fault for expecting empathy where i shouldn't be expecting it from.



.....and breathing... :)

randoms

1. Seeing the pack of durex in the trash can was the final nail in the coffin. I don't know what was worse: the sudden realisation that that meant him and I were never going to happen - cuz let's face it when sex is involved...or that I was carrying a wish/hope with baited breath that someday. How could I not have realised that?

2. My star sign describes me perfectly. I'm a pisces to the very core

3. I cried myself to sleep last night. I haven't cried in a very long time.

4. I'm emotionally spent, I've lost count of how many days I've been on-call now. It's too much for me. I don't want to do it anymore

5. Who supports the personn who supports everyone else?

6. A random act of kindness contributed to the crying yesterday. I was so spent, so broken all it took was someone who really listened to say a kind word and all of a sudden - I totally unravelled - in the privacy of my duvet of course

7. There's a depth to my soul that's both a blessing and a curse

8. The ex-boy saw the above light years before me.

9. I'm sorry I've upset said ex boy, but I had to make him stop calling me baby and going on about we and us. It's been 21 months..and counting.

10. I hope the tears were a catharsis and my soul is healing. I cannot be stoic for much longer.

11. I want a hug - a great big bear hug that says ' I understand, you don't have to be so strong all the time. Let me take some of that load off your heart'. I want a hug that says 'I love you, and I'm here for you'

Mayhaps, that may just be the plug I need to stop these tears from falling, cuz apparently the floodgates are refusing to shut.