Sunday, 30 January 2011

the irony

Dammmnnnnn you Enitan for liking a guy that's unavailable!!

Took me exactly a year after my (first) break-up and then i go and get stuck on someone who's not available! That'll teach me..

so yeah, damnnnn you to blazes!


Monday, 24 January 2011

no more me

I resent the fact that I hate my life right now, not least because i cannot justify that. On paper, life's good, not a single thing to mumur about actually. I don't even want to write about it, that's how shit i feel right now.

I don't know how I've managed to find myself so empty - yet again! Surrounded by so many people, yet so alone. I've learnt this lesson, mastered the curriculum - 'emotions are fickle and must not be allowed to define who you are. Change your situation by changing your words and therefore your thoughts'. I've aced that class numerous times - yet, here i find mysel again.

I suppose hating my job doesnt help. Today I expressed how disappointing it is to come to the realisation that you perhaps do not want to be everything you thought you always wanted to be, everything you've worked so hard for and sacrificed so much for.

I hate that I'm in such a state of mind. I hate that I don't care. I hate that for the first time today I wasn't interested in my patient and that I was palpably cold towards them. I hate that I resent the bureaucracy that makes my job so difficult. I hate all the boxes I have to tick to prove that i am what i'm not in order to progress to the next bullshit phase of the job.

I resent that fact that I've been procastinating so much, i haven't done anything because i'm in such a black state of mind. I'm not pleased that when i'm in such a state I pull back from the world and don't return calls or messages when the one thing i need, the one thing i want is a big bear hug and the assurance that everything will be alright. Surely it will be, it always is in the end.

I hate that I long for what and who I cannot have. I especially hate that I'm compelled to keep doing life the way i don't want to do it. I don't want to do this, i know that now. I don't want to be here, i know that now. Yet, I feel so trapped, so caged in and i see myself lashing out.

In a bid to be helpful someone asked me today, 'what makes you happy?'. I heaved a sigh of defeat when i couldn't even answer that. I've been doing what I have to do for so long now, i can't find Enitan anymore. She's lost in translation somewhere.

I hate that I don't know what to do to fix this. I don't like me like this. Unhappy, sad, unfufilled, alone, lonely and mostly just flipping tired. Just tired. I just wanna sleep. Lie in oblivion for a very long time. I don't want to have to keep fighting this and fighting through life on my own, by myself..i've run out of me. There is no more me.

I wondered today - how much of this is the effect of external pressure as opposed to how much is my reaction to said external pressure. I know what i need to do - in my head..I need to shake it off, quit the pity party and step to it. I know, i.just.can't. I have no more fight left in me. White flag's been hoisted up.


Friday, 7 January 2011

nothing serious

Girl in a 'nothing serious' state of mind

Boy in a 'nothing deep' state of mind

Girl meets boy, boy meets girl, they hang

Girl, while still in a 'nothing serious' state of mind, gets miffed about feeling like a jump- off

Girl is tripping/on a long ting?