Monday, 28 February 2011

*no title*

'Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, does not mean they do not love you the best way they know how'

This quote struck something within me when I saw it hours ago, and I still haven't been able to forget it.It judges me *I suppose I ought to say I've let it judge me*


Friday, 25 February 2011


24! chaii, the number's heavy in my mouth! LOL. I'm actually finding it really difficult to wrap my head around the fact that i'm 24 now! Good grief, where'd all the time go?

I had THE most wonderful birthday yesterday, without a doubt. The sun came out to play for the first time in while, it was warm and i got to leave work after lunch! It doesn't take much to please me. :)

Thoroughly enjoyed having friends over in the evening, i really did have a fantastic time. I'm chuffed that people think highly enough of me to come out :)

I'm sat here an hour past midnight reflecting on the day and boy, have i come a long way! Thank the good Lord.

If there's one thing i've learned it's that time, in my case a year, makes a broken heart hurt less as each day goes by.

I've learned that I'm incapable of dissociating mind/emotions from body. I tried it #epicfail. And so i'll sit here, reflect some more and beat myself over and over again,  until i get the message: if someone does not belong to you, LEAVE.WELL.ALONE. You'll only end uo hurting yourself. Kai, but i've been silly sha!

Talk about falling your own hand! I'm tayyad - i'm going back inside jare, enough of exploring other sides to life. Comfortable may be boring, but at least it's comfortable.

I've learned not to ignore feelings - yes i've mastered ruling myself and my feelings with an iron rod, but life'll be a lot less colourful if i carry on with the gaddaffi-like governance

I've learned how to enjoy life - regardless of external circumstances

Above all, i've learned that i musn't give myself so completely and freely to one who's not able to return the favour. I'd only hurt myself and nurse my wounds solo, because i was dumb enough to ignore the overriding externuating circumstances *smh at myself* mschewww

I'm gonna pick up the pieces of my life and take my own advice: I'm going to begin my 24th year as I mean to carry on. No.more.

I think about dad a lot more frequently now. Irrespective of my less than laudable choices pappy, i know you're proud of me. I miss that you're no longer here.

Happy new year to me.

Saturday, 5 February 2011


1. I think i'm finally ready to be in a relationship. I don't know how or when that happened, despite my fighting it ferociously, I have to admit it. I want to and i'm ready to try again.

2. I think about my ex-boyfriend a lot. A LOT. I wonder how he is and fight the urge to call/e-mail/text everyday. We broke up exactly 13 months ago. He was my first boyfriend.

3. I can't bear this crush I have on an unavailable gentle-man. It annoys me that it bothers me whenever i see him with his 'unofficial girlfriend'. Yeah, bullshit much.

4. I always wonder what career option i'd pursue if i gave up my current one. I think about it a lot, alarmingly. I'm in desperate need for motivation.

5. I experienced an epiphany recently : i'm not certain that I want to be what i always thought i want to be.

6. I finally want to learn how to cook. Because i want to. Not because people tell me i need to learn how to cook to please/keep a man.

7. I've been suicidal recently. I got so overwhelmed I was pre-occupied with thoughts of self harm. I now understand how people harm themselves as a cry for help. I tweeted most of my dark feelings and thoughts at the time and i see how friends mistake cries for help as eccentricity.

8. I'm sick to death of being asked to be in a relationship by people who don't understand my need to be some sort of friends first. How do you speak with me for the first time and tell me i'm beautiful and that you're in love with me and demand that I give you an answer immediately? I mean what the fuck?

9. I want to go home. I miss home. I miss my daddy and the heat.

10. When all is said and done, we are left on our lonesome with nothing but thoughts and memories.

11. Life is difficult.