I find myself in another growing season. Smack in the middle of a lesson. It's stretching me and my joints hurt, but I know it's for my good. The season of milk is over, it's time to learn to eat some meat. The wonderful thing about God is that though he slays you, He also binds up your wounds. He's stretching me but also giving me sufficient grace to sit this test.
Waiting has never been my strong suit. My type A need to control every situation in my life personality clashes so painfully against the uncertainty of tomorrow. My desperate need to get a move on and set balls rolling is hurting so badly as I'm forced to sit and just.wait.
Waiting is not a talent, it's a necessity of life, you don't have a choice. How you wait is the test of maturity. I've faltered and had so many false starts, but I'm still here telling God I trust Him.
He gave me a few words. He reminded me that He will perfect that which He has started in me. Tonight, He reminded me that though it tarries, it will come. It will come, not a minute later than intended.
I found psalm 86. It's THE psalm to pray when you don't know how or what to pray anymore. It's a beautiful psalm that helps you pour your heart out to God. It's just beautiful. I've taken to praying it. It's like the psalmist reaches deep into my soul and draws the words I don't know how to speak out.
Though it tarries, it will come. I've let go of the fear. I've been so desperate to get a move on because I was afraid that if I didn't, that which I cherish will leave me, be taken away from me. But God reminded me. He asked me a question:
God: "this relationship you have that you cherish so much and protect so jealously, that you are afraid of losing, did I not give it to you?"
Me: "yes father, you did"
God: "so, if I voluntarily gave it to you, will I not also protect it? Will I not see that no harm comes to it? Why do you feel the need to protect something divinely given with your human power? It's like the people the apostle chastised, they received salvation by grace and now try to keep it by the works of the flesh"
Me: "I'm sorry father"
God: "I will perfect that which concerneth you. My plans for you are to a good end"
God is amazing. He's beyond gracious to me. I'm learning, we're learning.
Casting all my cares on Him. His blessings make rich and adds no sorrow. He speaks, one just needs to be still enough to listen and hear.
I'm convinced that He loves me and hears my prayers. This is the year of God's rest, for me and mine.
And so I wait. I love le boy. I mean, when I found myself constantly covering him in prayer, rejoicing at his good news and supporting in times of the not-so-good, I had to admit I more than like him. I'll tell him, after he tells me first :-p. I'm still a girl abeg, and I like, and need, my man to lead :D
Several signs and confirmations God's given me in response to me asking, I'm keeping close to my chest for now. There's a time and season for everything afterall.
For now, I'll joyfully stay in class until this lesson is over and look forward to the next stage. It'll be wonderful! I can't wait!
Here's me kicking back and doing my thing, while I let my Father do His.
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