Saturday, 19 November 2011

Dear you

My heart broke into a thousand shards when i heard the first tear fall - yes i heard it clearly. You were being so brave, trying to 'man up', you didn't want me to think little of you, yet my heart was breaking. It shattered because I didn't know what to do, I couldn't hold you in my arms like i wanted to, so i let you speak until you had nothing left to say. You talked and cried and laughed and talked some more at the same time, I listened to your words but all i heard was pain, and my heart broke for not being able to do anything. It's the most frustrating feeling you know - seeing pain and suffering and being able to do fuck all about it. I heard clearly.

I tossed and turned afterwards, searched my little MD knowledge to see if there was anything I could do, anything that I could suggest but I got nothing. I didn't know what to do and so I prayed for you. I asked my Father to show me how I could help you be better, I asked him to help me be some healing for you. I asked him to give you a great big hug for me and tell you that everything is going to be alright. Everything IS alright. I asked him to please remind you to speak to him and ask him for help. I asked him to show you how far you've come, to help you see the road ahead of you and not the one you've left behind. I asked him for a lot of things for you, but most of all, I asked him to please love you for me, because i wasn't doing a good job of it.

I wish you'd let me be there for you, let me love you. You had a horrid day yesterday and I felt all kinds of guilty because i only got to know so late in the day - after i'd been rattling on about my non-issues. I wish you'd let me take some of the bad for you because that's why I'm here. This is what i do - i help, i try to make things better, I listen, I offer a shoulder or two, I'm the sounding board when you're pissed off and need to vent. Life's not all sugar and light all the time, we both know it, I wish you wouldn't try so hard just to present the 'man up' version of yourself to me, I don't need that, I don't want that. 100% honesty - no more, no less - is us, it has to be us because I can't fit to explain how much you mean to me and I hope I tell you that often enough for you to believe it.

You don't have to do life on your own, you most certainly don't have to do November on your own. I'll bully you if you don't let me * :o) *

I wish you'd let me be here for you, I wish you'd tell me how to be here for you, teach me how to be present for you. I wish you'd let me love you...

Tuesday, 15 November 2011


I feel very resentful towards the 'sensible thing to do' and for a change,I do not feel guilty about being resentful.

I'm fed up with this place and my job - I loathe using the word 'carer'. Yes, I should be thankful I have a 'good job' hheard that a million times over, but forgive me for not being ecstatic about said job. I'm still waiting to like it a year ad a half later - I man what are the chances?

Everyone says to me incredulously 'but you're a doctor! what would you do otherwise?' I always say having the ability and acquired skill to do something should not condemn you to doing that for life. what would do otherwise? how would know? I have never had a chance to explore anything else and I really want to.

I'm resentful because I want to go home. I hate that I feel stuck/trapped here on the conveyor belt of 'postgraduate training'. I mentioned to my friend that if I had any other career, I could just up and leave, but oh no, I should specialise before going back and bla bla bla. As much as that makes sense in theory, 1. I do not want to specialise in secondary care 2. Specialisation takes a miminimum of 8-10 years (except 3 yrs for GP) 3. I do not want to put my life on hold for a job I do not like ad while it 'makes sense' - at the end of the day, what 'is sensible' is not beneficial to everyone, what if it does not make sense to my life/destiny? *sigh*

Specialist applications opened yesterday and I'm filling in a form loathing every second of  it. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, but eventually I have to do me, I want to go home. 10 years in this place is long enough. 2 years in this horridness is  long enough.

I. have. had. enough. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start and I do not like it.

I need to make a decision - the right one. question is what is it?

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Setting fire to the rain

I've had Adele's 'set fire to the rain' on repeat for the past 2 weeks. It's beyond beautiful

I don't believe there's only one 'soul mate' for a person in life, I believe there are several

Is there any sense in being afraid of seemingly getting what you asked for?

I need wisdom - lots of it. Confounded my too many options and i don't like it - all it does is stress me out. oh, to have a crystal ball..

How do you know something's of God and not a shoddy immitation from the pits of hell?

I'm very scared of making the wrong decision. I'm scared i'll irretrievably fuck things up - royally

I hate confrontation, I cannot bear hurting another - usually to my own detriment

I had the most emotionally stressful holiday ever, I need a holiday to recover from the one i just had!

I don't know what to do about Mr  Porstmouth  and i'm scared - very scared and totally confused too, but more worried about making the wrong decision and hurting him, or the right decision and hurting him *sigh*

Why does faith require a leap? Can't it be just a tiny step? Unfair

I miss H something awful, it's not even funny. It's not We've always had this mad connection, it's scary. And if i'm to be honest with myself, he's the reason why i'm even more unsure about what to do about Mr Portsmouth

I've been avoiding talking to him today, I need a clear head + wisdom to do that. So he'll have to wait unfortunately

To my own self I have to be true

Ignorance is not bliss, it's dangerous

Running away from stuff is never the solution, as much as i'd love to be an ostritch and bury my head in the sand right now

I want to start all over - wipe the slate clean and start over. Completely.