Dear you

My heart broke into a thousand shards when i heard the first tear fall - yes i heard it clearly. You were being so brave, trying to 'man up', you didn't want me to think little of you, yet my heart was breaking. It shattered because I didn't know what to do, I couldn't hold you in my arms like i wanted to, so i let you speak until you had nothing left to say. You talked and cried and laughed and talked some more at the same time, I listened to your words but all i heard was pain, and my heart broke for not being able to do anything. It's the most frustrating feeling you know - seeing pain and suffering and being able to do fuck all about it. I heard clearly.

I tossed and turned afterwards, searched my little MD knowledge to see if there was anything I could do, anything that I could suggest but I got nothing. I didn't know what to do and so I prayed for you. I asked my Father to show me how I could help you be better, I asked him to help me be some healing for you. I asked him to give you a great big hug for me and tell you that everything is going to be alright. Everything IS alright. I asked him to please remind you to speak to him and ask him for help. I asked him to show you how far you've come, to help you see the road ahead of you and not the one you've left behind. I asked him for a lot of things for you, but most of all, I asked him to please love you for me, because i wasn't doing a good job of it.


I wish you'd let me be there for you, let me love you. You had a horrid day yesterday and I felt all kinds of guilty because i only got to know so late in the day - after i'd been rattling on about my non-issues. I wish you'd let me take some of the bad for you because that's why I'm here. This is what i do - i help, i try to make things better, I listen, I offer a shoulder or two, I'm the sounding board when you're pissed off and need to vent. Life's not all sugar and light all the time, we both know it, I wish you wouldn't try so hard just to present the 'man up' version of yourself to me, I don't need that, I don't want that. 100% honesty - no more, no less - is us, it has to be us because I can't fit to explain how much you mean to me and I hope I tell you that often enough for you to believe it.

You don't have to do life on your own, you most certainly don't have to do November on your own. I'll bully you if you don't let me * :o) *

I wish you'd let me be here for you, I wish you'd tell me how to be here for you, teach me how to be present for you. I wish you'd let me love you...