Monday, 20 February 2012

Nutty J

I went over to nuttyJ's blog and her recent blogpost just seemed to still the turbulence in my soul - somehow her post was the word i needed to hear today. I'm a pisces to the core - indecisive and so over analytical it kills me! The eternal battle of the 'intellect', the 'logic' versus the instinct, the gut feeling.

I've got a week and some of holiday (last real break until august!) coming up and i've known about it for ages. I figured it'll be nice to go home, but i managed to talk myself out of it for weeks with the 'but i just went home for 10 days in november' 'no-one will have my time, everyone will be at work'. I'm sat talking to myself like - where in the rule book does it say you can't go home in february because you went home in november? - keeping in mind that prior to the 10days in november, i hadn't been home in 3 years - what the frig is that about??

I remember saying, i'm so used to not going home! But how does that make that okay? I never went home frequently because i couldn't afford it - financially or time wise being in med school and all. And here i am, justifying not going home because i'm used to lack - what the frig is that about??

I was soo resentful about this holiday as well, because i wanted to travel, as in go somewhere new and nice - i have wonderlust i'd be the first to admit. I so very nearly went to the UAE on my own. I've travelled alone before it never used to be a biggie - all of a sudden i don't want to go alone and all my friends are not available and so i don't go - what the frig is that about??

I spent weeks convincing myself that home would be a waste of time and money, convincing myself that i really don't want to see H and he doesn't want to see me seeing as he never said anything - until I find myself so upset all day when he says he's filled his weekends with work stuff - so i infer he definately won't have the time for me and i have a light bulb moment - you don't miss your water until the well runs dry. Why do i feel the need to justify going h.o.m.e? What the frig?

Anyway, God bless nutty J for being an unwitting answer to my emotional turmoil. I'm off home at the end of the month. Immediately i clicked on the 'confirm' button, i came into this place of palpable peace, i immediately wondered what took me so long?? All i want, need, is a change of scenery and some peace. Being around people who love and miss me is a bonus. God forbid i procastinate so much and watch my life pass me by. Whitney's death brought it home to me - tomorrow is NOT promised today. That's how i took for granted my dad will always be with me the shock i got when i woke up one fine august day and realised he had gone is indescribable. It's time i stopped getting in my own damn way and live already!

It's my big 25 in 4 days! About damn time i stopped with the bullshit and just live. What's the worst that could happen?

Thursday, 16 February 2012

unspoken truth

moyo: have you been bitten, you sleep everytime you're off work

me: the hours are killing me, i'm just tired

*the truth : me: i'm depressed. I sleep loads when i'm unhappy - it's the only way i can run away from the world and my life even if it's only for a few hours*