Monday, 20 February 2012

Nutty J

I went over to nuttyJ's blog and her recent blogpost just seemed to still the turbulence in my soul - somehow her post was the word i needed to hear today. I'm a pisces to the core - indecisive and so over analytical it kills me! The eternal battle of the 'intellect', the 'logic' versus the instinct, the gut feeling.

I've got a week and some of holiday (last real break until august!) coming up and i've known about it for ages. I figured it'll be nice to go home, but i managed to talk myself out of it for weeks with the 'but i just went home for 10 days in november' 'no-one will have my time, everyone will be at work'. I'm sat talking to myself like - where in the rule book does it say you can't go home in february because you went home in november? - keeping in mind that prior to the 10days in november, i hadn't been home in 3 years - what the frig is that about??

I remember saying, i'm so used to not going home! But how does that make that okay? I never went home frequently because i couldn't afford it - financially or time wise being in med school and all. And here i am, justifying not going home because i'm used to lack - what the frig is that about??

I was soo resentful about this holiday as well, because i wanted to travel, as in go somewhere new and nice - i have wonderlust i'd be the first to admit. I so very nearly went to the UAE on my own. I've travelled alone before it never used to be a biggie - all of a sudden i don't want to go alone and all my friends are not available and so i don't go - what the frig is that about??

I spent weeks convincing myself that home would be a waste of time and money, convincing myself that i really don't want to see H and he doesn't want to see me seeing as he never said anything - until I find myself so upset all day when he says he's filled his weekends with work stuff - so i infer he definately won't have the time for me and i have a light bulb moment - you don't miss your water until the well runs dry. Why do i feel the need to justify going h.o.m.e? What the frig?

Anyway, God bless nutty J for being an unwitting answer to my emotional turmoil. I'm off home at the end of the month. Immediately i clicked on the 'confirm' button, i came into this place of palpable peace, i immediately wondered what took me so long?? All i want, need, is a change of scenery and some peace. Being around people who love and miss me is a bonus. God forbid i procastinate so much and watch my life pass me by. Whitney's death brought it home to me - tomorrow is NOT promised today. That's how i took for granted my dad will always be with me the shock i got when i woke up one fine august day and realised he had gone is indescribable. It's time i stopped getting in my own damn way and live already!

It's my big 25 in 4 days! About damn time i stopped with the bullshit and just live. What's the worst that could happen?

2 comments:

Kenyansista said...

Hey! I know I'm late but Happy Birthday.
P.S Its true, we are not promised tomorrow, so when we get the chance, we just go right ahead and do what we need to :-) :-)

Enitan said...

your words are too true. Thank you for stopping by and for the birthday wishes :)