Friday, 15 February 2013

Allow me

Allow me smart from the sharp sting of disappointment from expectations i didn't even know i held

Allow me to spend my day fighting back tears and clinging on to hope's coattails, for reasons i'm yet to understand myself

Allow me to feel a fool for being incredibly upset over something my head didn't realise my heart wanted

Allow me punish myself because i feel stupid for wanting something i'd told you i didn't want - because i genuinely did not, until i realised that maybe i did

Allow me pay penance for wanting more. In my head and my usual rational head space, it is enough, we are enough, what we have is beautiful. So when i find myself wanting more, i feel like this will make you feel like you're not enough - when in truth you are. So allow me pay penance

Allow me stew for yearning for all i ever wanted and all i never had. Let me stew in the foolishness of my feelings. My feelings that got hurt over what shouldn't even matter. My feelings that told me that i'm not worth enough for you for you to bother to make an effort, when i've told you time and time again, that i need that to feel loved. I need the gestures, i need to see the thought behind the effort. I KNOW my feelings are fickle, and in this case wrong,but allow me stew in the funk i'm in for allowing the feelings in the first place.

Allow me to be confused, to hurt, to cry, to feel ashamed, vulnerable  and incredibly foolish all the same time and please allow me keep it from you. For above all else, I don't want you to see this me, this weak me. I promise that when i'm done, i'll find my way back to you. If you'll only wait for me, i'll find my way back home - like i always do.