Saturday, 23 April 2011

?unwritten rules

Is there a specific amount of time somewhere in the unwritten book of social etiquette that should elapse after which exes are allowed not to feel bad about dating someone else?

I mean, it's been a year and a four months. I had to wonder why the ex came across as apologetic and a tad bit shy to admit that he is ?kinda seeing someone. I mean i figured, when he mentioned he went to a couple of spots we used to like to hit back in the day. I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't have gone on his own.

I wish he'd free himself. I also wish he didn't say she was as pretty as me. How dare he? NO ONE is prettier than me! :D :D

Anyway, I'm glad he's moving on. Makes me feel less of a witch.

In other news, I've made the decision to stop berating myself. The torture i put myself through is unbearable sometimes. I mean, why pay penance EVERY time I do something stupid? That's what forgiveness and easter is all about right?

I just fail to understand how i KNOWINGLY do foolish things though! I mean, i weigh the options, I understand the consequences, I KNOW that i'll only be hurting myself and yet, i still go ahead to do it! WHY? I do stuff, hurt myself big time and then have trouble forgiving myself and mega trouble moving on off from there

Why am i having trouble with this one issue? I've been through a truck load of ish in my life and managed to get over the mountains and learn the lessons. So why's this any different? Why does this feel like i've learnt the lesson but i'm still stuck on the same bloody conveyor belt? I suppose i haven't taken myself to the bottom of the barrel yet abi? I hate hate hate that my will is so weak! I used to be able to practice head over flesh every time! But now? I suppose now my soul is fat and lazy and my spirit weak and unfed..I feel like God is mad at me. Any why shouldn't he be? I mean what is the explanation or the excuse for what i've done? *sigh*

I have a lot to forgive myself for. Do i wish i could rewind time? I'm not decided on that. Afterall how do we learn other than mistakes and experience? But some mistakes and experiences i'd rather do without mehnn.. I need a new baptism i swear

In yet some more news, I pondered this today It is true that we are responsible for our actions and in a way, we are to be blamed for the consequences of the decisions we make right? I belong to the school of thought that the other party is not to be blamed when we feel bad for ish that we decided to do - foolishly, ignorantly or otherwise. but then again.. okay lemme use this analogy:

person A has something person B wants. Person A knows that giving it to person B isn't the smartest thing to do, yet gives it to person B anyway. Person B knowing that they won't be able to guard it properly takes it anyway because it was offered.

Now clearly, person A is a bit of a numpty for giving it, but is person B to answer for accepting?My knee jerk reaction is to put the blame solely on person A, ahh i dunno!

I need a shrink..clearly :)

Sunday, 17 April 2011


I had an epiphany on my way to work today! It literally felt like lighting struck me between my eyes! :D

What's been bugging me all week, why i've felt like turd of week. I finally put a finger on it! It's REJECTION! I was so suprised I actually laughed out loud!

I suppose I shouldn't be suprised, afterall why do i expect myself to recognise and deal with something i've never had to go through before?

I admit, I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to feel, what to do, what not to do. In my head, I can rationalise it to the detail. I'm a very head-over-emotions kind of girl and so this is unfamiliar territory to me and i'm struggling. Really struggling.

It doesn't help that : a) this is all my fault and I keep berating myself over and over again whenever the hurt sears through my heart - which is so very often  and b) I can't talk about it properly to the one person I can because then i'd have to confess and admit the foolishness that I did and she'll be so disappointed in me, I couldn't bear one more thing right now

So i suppose i've built a cage and trapped myself in it and i don't know how to get out of it. It's overwhelming, and i'm actually quite fed up of going round in circles. I'm hurting - yes. I was suprised to realise it feels like my heart is broken. I've had a broken heart once - took me just over a year to heal. I'm alarmed that it feels like my heart is broken and terrified of having to go through the long painful process of healing - on my own.

My physiological response to stress is to withdraw - isolate myself. Not a good physiological response - it worsens the blackness. But i'm tired of putting on a brave face and a cheery smile. I'm tired of being happy when i'm not really joyful. I'm tired of having to act like all's okay in my world when it really isn't.

I've been fighting the isolation and just stressing myself even further. On the wand hand I want to curl up in a ball somewhere and just fade into oblivion for a little while. On the other hand, I want people to care and let me be weak. But my head asks me a) how i expect that to happen when they know nothing of what's going on b) i'm seeking attention

On this occassion, gritting my teeth and plowing through it isn't working. It doesn't help that i'm day 7 on call with 5 more to go. Yes i know my vulnerability increases the more physically tired i am. Truthfully i'm more mentally and certainly emotionally exhausted.

Gosh, such a mixed bag of contradictions I am. A big bear hug and a good cry would probably go some way in helping.

For now, I need to stop wishing and go to bed. Afterall, If wishes were horses, beggars would ride

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

You'll not know..

You cannot be mad at me for cooling towards you

You cannot be upset with me because i'm seemingly indifferent

You do not know the half of what I've been through and how strong i'm being to get to this here place

You cannot expect me to be in the same place, waiting for the dregs you throw my way

You, surely, must know that i'm worth more than second best

You must understand that it hurts to be treated as such. Not your fault though, afterall one's treated the way one presents herself

You know, i'm sure, that I deserve more than that and have every right to be ontothenextone like i determined to do

You will never ever know how much strength and discipline this is costing me

You asked me, admittedly in a different context, how i happen to be so strong - I'm not. You'll never know the half of it

You know nothing of how hard it is on me to forgive myself. I'm really not THAT person

You most certainly will know nothing of my glorious vulnerability because i'll not let you see that - to what end?

You will not know many things

You certainly have no right to be upset.