Sunday, 17 April 2011


I had an epiphany on my way to work today! It literally felt like lighting struck me between my eyes! :D

What's been bugging me all week, why i've felt like turd of week. I finally put a finger on it! It's REJECTION! I was so suprised I actually laughed out loud!

I suppose I shouldn't be suprised, afterall why do i expect myself to recognise and deal with something i've never had to go through before?

I admit, I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to feel, what to do, what not to do. In my head, I can rationalise it to the detail. I'm a very head-over-emotions kind of girl and so this is unfamiliar territory to me and i'm struggling. Really struggling.

It doesn't help that : a) this is all my fault and I keep berating myself over and over again whenever the hurt sears through my heart - which is so very often  and b) I can't talk about it properly to the one person I can because then i'd have to confess and admit the foolishness that I did and she'll be so disappointed in me, I couldn't bear one more thing right now

So i suppose i've built a cage and trapped myself in it and i don't know how to get out of it. It's overwhelming, and i'm actually quite fed up of going round in circles. I'm hurting - yes. I was suprised to realise it feels like my heart is broken. I've had a broken heart once - took me just over a year to heal. I'm alarmed that it feels like my heart is broken and terrified of having to go through the long painful process of healing - on my own.

My physiological response to stress is to withdraw - isolate myself. Not a good physiological response - it worsens the blackness. But i'm tired of putting on a brave face and a cheery smile. I'm tired of being happy when i'm not really joyful. I'm tired of having to act like all's okay in my world when it really isn't.

I've been fighting the isolation and just stressing myself even further. On the wand hand I want to curl up in a ball somewhere and just fade into oblivion for a little while. On the other hand, I want people to care and let me be weak. But my head asks me a) how i expect that to happen when they know nothing of what's going on b) i'm seeking attention

On this occassion, gritting my teeth and plowing through it isn't working. It doesn't help that i'm day 7 on call with 5 more to go. Yes i know my vulnerability increases the more physically tired i am. Truthfully i'm more mentally and certainly emotionally exhausted.

Gosh, such a mixed bag of contradictions I am. A big bear hug and a good cry would probably go some way in helping.

For now, I need to stop wishing and go to bed. Afterall, If wishes were horses, beggars would ride

1 comment:

Bear Hug said...

You sound just like me and what i'm going through right now. I was a picture of strength but I've become a cry baby over the last few months or so...don't know that it will feel good while you are bawling your eyes out but it might help release some of the tension. Especially as you can't talk to anyone about it...

take your feels horrible but you really can't rush the process.