Saturday, 23 April 2011

?unwritten rules

Is there a specific amount of time somewhere in the unwritten book of social etiquette that should elapse after which exes are allowed not to feel bad about dating someone else?

I mean, it's been a year and a four months. I had to wonder why the ex came across as apologetic and a tad bit shy to admit that he is ?kinda seeing someone. I mean i figured, when he mentioned he went to a couple of spots we used to like to hit back in the day. I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't have gone on his own.

I wish he'd free himself. I also wish he didn't say she was as pretty as me. How dare he? NO ONE is prettier than me! :D :D

Anyway, I'm glad he's moving on. Makes me feel less of a witch.

In other news, I've made the decision to stop berating myself. The torture i put myself through is unbearable sometimes. I mean, why pay penance EVERY time I do something stupid? That's what forgiveness and easter is all about right?

I just fail to understand how i KNOWINGLY do foolish things though! I mean, i weigh the options, I understand the consequences, I KNOW that i'll only be hurting myself and yet, i still go ahead to do it! WHY? I do stuff, hurt myself big time and then have trouble forgiving myself and mega trouble moving on off from there

Why am i having trouble with this one issue? I've been through a truck load of ish in my life and managed to get over the mountains and learn the lessons. So why's this any different? Why does this feel like i've learnt the lesson but i'm still stuck on the same bloody conveyor belt? I suppose i haven't taken myself to the bottom of the barrel yet abi? I hate hate hate that my will is so weak! I used to be able to practice head over flesh every time! But now? I suppose now my soul is fat and lazy and my spirit weak and unfed..I feel like God is mad at me. Any why shouldn't he be? I mean what is the explanation or the excuse for what i've done? *sigh*

I have a lot to forgive myself for. Do i wish i could rewind time? I'm not decided on that. Afterall how do we learn other than mistakes and experience? But some mistakes and experiences i'd rather do without mehnn.. I need a new baptism i swear

In yet some more news, I pondered this today It is true that we are responsible for our actions and in a way, we are to be blamed for the consequences of the decisions we make right? I belong to the school of thought that the other party is not to be blamed when we feel bad for ish that we decided to do - foolishly, ignorantly or otherwise. but then again.. okay lemme use this analogy:

person A has something person B wants. Person A knows that giving it to person B isn't the smartest thing to do, yet gives it to person B anyway. Person B knowing that they won't be able to guard it properly takes it anyway because it was offered.

Now clearly, person A is a bit of a numpty for giving it, but is person B to answer for accepting?My knee jerk reaction is to put the blame solely on person A, ahh i dunno!

I need a shrink..clearly :)

1 comment:

Etoile Oye said...

I have also realized I find it so hard to forgive myself for past mistakes and ironically, I keep making the same mistakes with my eyes wide open. We shall overcome.