Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Emotional Lability

a.k.a emotional incontinence refers to a neurologic disorder characterized by involuntary crying or uncontrollable episodes of crying and/or laughing, or other emotional displays. PBA occurs secondary to neurologic disease or brain injury. Patients may find themselves crying uncontrollably at something that is only moderately sad, being unable to stop themselves for several minutes. Episodes may also be mood-incongruent: a patient might laugh uncontrollably when angry or frustrated, for example...as explained by wikipedia :)

 I feel quite incontinent of my emotions right now, which suprises and displeases me. It all began when a friend expressed their displeasure at my turning up late for an appointment. I'm not an african time kinda person, it irritates me to hell. In my head I know and understand that 1) it wasn't my fault I was late as I was kept waiting by another 2) I shouldn't let someone else's feelings affect me so deeply 3) I should let it go, I apologised a number of times and she quit being upset from the get go anyway

I've come to realise, rather alarmingly,  that I care perhaps a bit too much about how I'm perceived. Of course it's okay to have a degree of self awareness but when did i morph into this person whose countenance changes because of the worry and care of what other(s) think and feel toward/about me?

I feel so destabilised and i don't like it. I hear myself using the word 'feel' an obscence number of times. I know that what you feel and what you know are two different entities and that what you feel is affected positively or otherwise by what you think. I know this..yet, here i am writing a blog post about how i 'feel'. Jeez, I thought I was over this by now. I really do feel like i'm regressing and i'm having to re-learn so many lessons again.

This prolonged emotional rigmarole has left me feeling so raw, naked, exposed and small. I don't like not being in control, i don't like not knowing how people who are important to me feel or think about me. Oh to be a mind reader! I desperately want to withdraw, quietly into a corner somewhere but i shouldn't and i can't.

I've put myself way out there now, it'll be so noticeable if i do that and questions will be asked. I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to put on a everything-is-fine, i-got-everything-under-control front. cuz everything isn't fine and everything isn't under control. The burden's heavy and i've found myself in a i-want-someone-in-my-life-to-help-with-this. I don't like that. Where did God and self sufficient enitan go? I seem to have become this person I don't recognise without my knowledge or consent.

daughter-sister-friend-counselor-doctor-adult-ex-side chic-enitan. I think i'm running on empty

physician heal thyself? One dost expect a bit much from oneself it would seem

Que sera sera

No comments: