Sunday, 18 September 2011

first steps

They say admitting a problem is the first step to freedom. So here goes:

Hi, I'm enitan and I have emotional problems.A year to get over a relationship of a year and a half. 3 months later and still seriously struggling to get over the fuckery of a 7 month long 'thing'. It doesn't even have a name : it was just a 'thing'. I tried going cold turkey and even tried desensitisation - zilch! So we're riding it out and waiting it out. Getting there slow and steady. Blue in the face from praying about it sef.

Hi, I'm enitan and I don't like my job. I should say career really but the word career implies long term and something you actually like to do. It's neither of that for me. It's just a place I absolutely hate going to and the ass kissing and continuing studying it involves that makes me hate it more.

Hi, I'm enitan and I'm seriously considering a career change. What to do though? I need to figure out what I CAN do and what I LOVE to do. I have figured out so far though that it has to be a 9-5. No awful nights or weekend shifts. I need stability in my life man. So I've got till next summer to figure it out. Maybe I should do them on-line compatibility thingy bobs..

Hi, I'm enitan and I'm blessed! :D

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

don't ask, don't tell

I don't understand it. I have a day off after an 85 hour week and 'na me dey enjoy'

I say i'm exhausted because i'm working long hours and I 'shouldn't look for sympathy because at least I'm getting paid?'

ALWAYS pisses me off when people spew schit like this. If you really don't want to know how i am, don't ask me! 'how are you' is not merely an opening statement. If you don't wanna know, don't ask.

I suppose I shouldn't be mad. My fault for expecting empathy where i shouldn't be expecting it from.

.....and breathing... :)

Sunday, 11 September 2011


1. Seeing the pack of durex in the trash can was the final nail in the coffin. I don't know what was worse: the sudden realisation that that meant him and I were never going to happen - cuz let's face it when sex is involved...or that I was carrying a wish/hope with baited breath that someday. How could I not have realised that?

2. My star sign describes me perfectly. I'm a pisces to the very core

3. I cried myself to sleep last night. I haven't cried in a very long time.

4. I'm emotionally spent, I've lost count of how many days I've been on-call now. It's too much for me. I don't want to do it anymore

5. Who supports the personn who supports everyone else?

6. A random act of kindness contributed to the crying yesterday. I was so spent, so broken all it took was someone who really listened to say a kind word and all of a sudden - I totally unravelled - in the privacy of my duvet of course

7. There's a depth to my soul that's both a blessing and a curse

8. The ex-boy saw the above light years before me.

9. I'm sorry I've upset said ex boy, but I had to make him stop calling me baby and going on about we and us. It's been 21 months..and counting.

10. I hope the tears were a catharsis and my soul is healing. I cannot be stoic for much longer.

11. I want a hug - a great big bear hug that says ' I understand, you don't have to be so strong all the time. Let me take some of that load off your heart'. I want a hug that says 'I love you, and I'm here for you'

Mayhaps, that may just be the plug I need to stop these tears from falling, cuz apparently the floodgates are refusing to shut.