Somewhere along the past few months, lost in the haze of life I didn't notice myself becoming this person that I suddenly do not recognise.
As I traced the familiar path to the train station, my mind wondered along to the compartment where memories of old are kept. I saw a beautiful soul, a kind spirit. One that loved whole heartedly, gave time, compassion, encouragement willingly expecting nothing in return. One who learnt early in her earthly life that selfish ones aren't happy, in fact joy and happiness are not found inward but in reaching out to others because that is the purpose of our creation - that is what love is. I saw a happy spirit, a fufilled soul, I saw one who like a phoenix had reason several times out of several flames. I saw a soul that would rather die than say a mean word, she always bit her tongue and would rather not speak than intentionally hurt another. I saw a heart that had been battered several times over and put together so beautifully you had to strain to see the suture lines. I saw a soul that was quivering in excited anticipation, waiting to see what life brought and approach it with love. I saw a spirit with a smile so bright it blinded - for it was a radiant smile. The kind of smile that came from deep within it made her honey brown eyes twinkle.
With the memories came a physical thud of pain in my heart and the sting of tears in my eyes. In the haze of hurt, pain, work, self- neglect, the conveyor belt of life and difficulty moving on and forgiving self - i hadn't noticed how i'd lost myself and became this person i neither recognise nor like. I see myself as i have become and i loathe me. I'm appaled at the ugliness in my spirit, the un-yielding set in my jaw, the stubborn determination in my spine. How can I be angry for so long? When did I become one to deny others some of me without a valid reason - to prove a point? How did i get so ugly? I'm suprised at how cold i've become, how I am able to cage the love that i'm yearning to give, how I can look at another and say un-kind things without flinching knowing i'm deliberately causing harm. It appals me to realise that I am more than capable of cutting off my nose to spite my face. I'm embarrassed to say that i've come from being one who seeks out the lonely one in the corner to hang out with so they don't feel left out, the one who will hug someone who everyone else says smells, i've come from one who goes out of her way to make sure people feel listened to and relevant to someone who's needy. When did i become needy - and not realise it? How have I become the wall flower in the corner, the smelly one, the one whose heart silently screams 'love me?' When did I become the person who leaves work wishing someone would call me to tell me they know i'm exhausted and just wanted me to know that i am in their thoughts? When did I become the one who needs attention? When did I become so ugly?
As much as i've prayed, wept, prayed some more and determined to let go, i think it's finally happening. It took me seeing push puller one more time to realise that i hadn't actually completely let things go. I honestly thought I had. As i sat watching him smile at me attempting to make conversation, I realised that I had been mean and wicked - and didn't even know it, that scares me. I realised that i had been holding him and myself to super human standards - how dare I have been foolish to give someone permission to dougie in and out of my person and how dare he treat me like toilet paper and not even realise how much trauma he had caused. I've told myself many times over, but it was like I was finally hearing it for the first time - yes you fucked up big time, yes he fucked up too but you HAVE to let.this.go. I'd been mean to him - deliberately and passively and I was so ashamed of myself. I am genuinely sorry, i really am so sorry. I looked at him and wondered how I could cause someone pain - deliberately and sit on my high horse not realising i was doing worse than what i'd nailed him to the cross for. He is human, why do i expect him to be infallible?
I'm so sorry for everything - the roller coaster i've put myself through, the hours of turmoil, anger, bitterness and pain. I'm going to have to apologise to him - and I will next time i see him - so help me God. I have apologised to and finally forgiven myself. It's been long and hard but I think i'm finally there. I don't want the darkness anymore - i'm exchanging my ashes for beauty. I care no longer whether or not he ever realises, i see it's foolish of me to want an apology, i no longer care for tagging a meaning to how he relates to me - I'm no longer interested for i'm responsible for myself, my thoughts and my actions. I ought not to swing between two extremes the way i've been doing recently.
I think i'm almost there, i'm no longer at risk of catching a cold from the ice in my heart.
As I traced the familiar path to the train station, my mind wondered along to the compartment where memories of old are kept. I saw a beautiful soul, a kind spirit. One that loved whole heartedly, gave time, compassion, encouragement willingly expecting nothing in return. One who learnt early in her earthly life that selfish ones aren't happy, in fact joy and happiness are not found inward but in reaching out to others because that is the purpose of our creation - that is what love is. I saw a happy spirit, a fufilled soul, I saw one who like a phoenix had reason several times out of several flames. I saw a soul that would rather die than say a mean word, she always bit her tongue and would rather not speak than intentionally hurt another. I saw a heart that had been battered several times over and put together so beautifully you had to strain to see the suture lines. I saw a soul that was quivering in excited anticipation, waiting to see what life brought and approach it with love. I saw a spirit with a smile so bright it blinded - for it was a radiant smile. The kind of smile that came from deep within it made her honey brown eyes twinkle.
With the memories came a physical thud of pain in my heart and the sting of tears in my eyes. In the haze of hurt, pain, work, self- neglect, the conveyor belt of life and difficulty moving on and forgiving self - i hadn't noticed how i'd lost myself and became this person i neither recognise nor like. I see myself as i have become and i loathe me. I'm appaled at the ugliness in my spirit, the un-yielding set in my jaw, the stubborn determination in my spine. How can I be angry for so long? When did I become one to deny others some of me without a valid reason - to prove a point? How did i get so ugly? I'm suprised at how cold i've become, how I am able to cage the love that i'm yearning to give, how I can look at another and say un-kind things without flinching knowing i'm deliberately causing harm. It appals me to realise that I am more than capable of cutting off my nose to spite my face. I'm embarrassed to say that i've come from being one who seeks out the lonely one in the corner to hang out with so they don't feel left out, the one who will hug someone who everyone else says smells, i've come from one who goes out of her way to make sure people feel listened to and relevant to someone who's needy. When did i become needy - and not realise it? How have I become the wall flower in the corner, the smelly one, the one whose heart silently screams 'love me?' When did I become the person who leaves work wishing someone would call me to tell me they know i'm exhausted and just wanted me to know that i am in their thoughts? When did I become the one who needs attention? When did I become so ugly?
As much as i've prayed, wept, prayed some more and determined to let go, i think it's finally happening. It took me seeing push puller one more time to realise that i hadn't actually completely let things go. I honestly thought I had. As i sat watching him smile at me attempting to make conversation, I realised that I had been mean and wicked - and didn't even know it, that scares me. I realised that i had been holding him and myself to super human standards - how dare I have been foolish to give someone permission to dougie in and out of my person and how dare he treat me like toilet paper and not even realise how much trauma he had caused. I've told myself many times over, but it was like I was finally hearing it for the first time - yes you fucked up big time, yes he fucked up too but you HAVE to let.this.go. I'd been mean to him - deliberately and passively and I was so ashamed of myself. I am genuinely sorry, i really am so sorry. I looked at him and wondered how I could cause someone pain - deliberately and sit on my high horse not realising i was doing worse than what i'd nailed him to the cross for. He is human, why do i expect him to be infallible?
I'm so sorry for everything - the roller coaster i've put myself through, the hours of turmoil, anger, bitterness and pain. I'm going to have to apologise to him - and I will next time i see him - so help me God. I have apologised to and finally forgiven myself. It's been long and hard but I think i'm finally there. I don't want the darkness anymore - i'm exchanging my ashes for beauty. I care no longer whether or not he ever realises, i see it's foolish of me to want an apology, i no longer care for tagging a meaning to how he relates to me - I'm no longer interested for i'm responsible for myself, my thoughts and my actions. I ought not to swing between two extremes the way i've been doing recently.
I think i'm almost there, i'm no longer at risk of catching a cold from the ice in my heart.
