thoughts

I think my ex-boyfriend hates me. But then again, why wouldn't he? I did tell him I am no longer in love with him, told him to stop waiting and pining for me. We broke up 23months ago afterall, circumstances that led to that haven't changed either. I don't know why it kinda stung that he was a bit short with me - I don't know why I expected any different. I only contacted him to wish him a merry christmas - I should know better really. I ought to stop popping up in his life. I wonder if all that is some unexplored guilt I have - I know that I caused inexplicable damage and pain - I perhaps shouldn't have seen him last month. *sigh* I really do respect him. My best friend thinks I'm in love with him still. I wonder if I was ever IN love with him. I loved him - yes, without a doubt - but was I IN love with him? *sigh* I don't even think I know what that is.

I've been really really seriously considering moving home recently. I'm asking God for a sign, confirmation - I loathe to do something major without hearing from him. But I so strongly feel my time here is rounding up and it's time for a new phase, a new season in my life. I thought given time I would shake that inkling off but it's not working. Someone said I must be out of my mind even thinking that in the current economic / national security situation referring to the bombings that happened on christmas day. I say I refuse to make decisions based on the fear of an unknown future. Tomorrow's not promised today to anyone. Someone was shot in manchester, another stabbed to death in London on boxing dAy - so go figure. As long as I'm where God wants me to be, I'm happy. But I think it may be happening - I think I want it to be happening.

I'm intensely fed up with the constant 'hooking me up' going on recently. Yes I know I've been single for 2 years - but I'm not defective -honest! I just need to be with someone I want to be with and who's worthy of being with me - yes I said it: worthy to be with me! I'm a fragile, fragile person. Especially after pushpuller, I'm not in a position to be played with. My sister sent me a text asking if she could pass my details on to a 'delightful young doctor' and then asked me to keep an open mind when I said he's half way across the atlantic. My last relationship ended a year and half into an LDR - main reason I left anyway! I mean if I'm gonna do that at all, it most certainly will be with someone I know wants me for keeps #sigh - we'll see

The girl with the dragon tattoo was friggin awesome! Totally rocked! I loveee her tatts! It's re-awakened my lust for them, I still want one soo bad! Toying with the idea of getting one for my birthday. I just cannot reconcile what the Bible has to say about it to getting one. Mehnnnn :o( H wants one too! His sister got one and I loved it...we'll see :)

I miss H - a lot. All day, everyday.. Sucks. Sucks big hairy monkey balls - SUCKS!

randoms

I've been looking forward to this weekend for the past 2 weeks. Just did a 2week stretch at work and was completely shattered, so I was looking forward to spending the entire weekend in bed.

It took me 3hours to clean my entire apartment today + tidy my wardrobe. I live alone..yeah..

I totally love banky w's new song 'low key' - it was on repeat the entire 3hours I spent cleaning, my neighbour must hate me now :p

I haven't felt lonely in a long time, it totally hit me by suprise today. I really really wanted someone around. Not just anybody though #sigh. The holidays are always the hardest

My amazing, out of this world super awesome friend H showed me what it is to have someone be there for you and I love him even more. I totally appreciate that he's so thoughful. Just simple things like wishing me a good day. Sending me an auto-tune cat to wish me a good day (hehe), staying up all night so when I got off at unholy hour he'd be awake to talk to me. It's amazing to have him just be available, be there. Love H.

Travis from gym class heros is THE hottest man on earth. I want to have his babies! :D

Someone said to me that they miss me which so irritated me. I really hate empty words, don't say some thing if you don't mean it! I'm like really? You miss me? That's why I've heard from you like once in 2 weeks right? You have my phone number, my bb pin, my email address, you know where I live, heck you follow me on twitter! GTFOH with that bullshit joh! Mscheww. It's always all about the actions and not just words. I'm like dude abeg.

Someone apologised for badgering me to date him. I kinda didn't know how to respond to that. I appreciated him man-ning up to apologise to my face not via text or phone. I stopped listening when he asked if I'm 'still single'

I miss H - a lot.

The holidays are always the hardest