if wishes were horses

If wishes were horses, i'd wish i didn't see you at S9

I'd wish us back to many months ago when we left it at that

I'd wish i wasn't all stupid inside for a little while; questioning my decision

If wishes were horses, i'd wish i didn't try again only to be reminded your lack of effort, will, drive

I'd wish you understood that you have to work for something, someone you want. Saying you want them isn't enough

If wishes were horses, i'd wish i never met you

I'd wish i understood what emotion is masquerading as loss and regret

I wouldn't be up wondering why you're in hospital on your birthday, concerned and ticked off that you're not answering your phone

I wouldn't be wondering why i'm wondering who's by your side

If only wishes were horses

me

It takes as much wisdom and strength to quit as does to grit your teeth
and bear it

That awful place where you see yourself tumbling head first down the
slope and you're totally powerless to pull the brakes

I thought I was grown beyond bouts of *i loathe to say depression*
periods of intense funk, evidently not all I think I am.

I still am the person who pushes people away when I need them the
most *sigh* I withdraw so much, hurt those who love me. I see I am
doing it but too wrapped up in my own shit *sigh* To make amends

Today I smiled a smile that reached my eyes. It came from down in my
belly, up through my eyes and rested on my lips. It felt strange, familiar
but wonderfully refreshing.

I'm still dressed like a tramp, but I put earrings on today and smiled -progress!

Head knowledge and heart knowledge are as different as night and day. I
know in my head that I'm priviledged, lucky, blessed and alladat - I KNOW
those to be irrefutably true yet I scraping the bottom of the barrel - evidently
it takes more than positive confessions and telling yourself to get over yourself
what am I missing?

it gets harder everyday

I have never despised a job so much

I do not remember the last time was so tearful or felt so trapped

Lord have mercy on my soul