Confused dot com

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I've come to the realisation, and i'm willing to admit that  i do not have a clue what i'm doing with my life or where i'm going. Sure, sure, I'm a doctor now, i always wanted to be a doctor. Then adulthood set in, and along with it came disillusionment. I know what my one overarching dream/vision is but i don't know how to get there. I know what step to take, hell, i don't even know how to lift a foot.

I confess to being under some degree of stress recently. I aknowledge the feelings of loneliness that creep up on me from time to time. I was shocked to catch myself wishing for a family or friends to be around. Sheesh, tired of spending holidays by myself all the time jare. I say that like i'm not working through the holidays this season. Truth be told, i don't remember the last time i was truly, freely happy. I don't remember the last time i laughed from my stomach, the last time a smile reached my eyes.

That's besides the point. The point is that I can't answer the 'what the hell am i doing with my life?' question and that bothers me. I refuse to let my life pass me by but i don't know what to do about it. I'm not scared to do what i need to do, i just don't know what it is i need to do!

I do know at the very moment that i need to go take a shower and take out the trash. Now that i can do. But then what?

Any shrinks out in blogsville willing to help a sister out?

comming up for air

My sleep-wake cycle is royally messed up, no thanks to my recent week of nights! I was dead tired at 5.00pm, had a long nap and now i'm wide awake at half 2 in the morning! I'm so mad at that, i hate it! I need to correct it, but i soo hate forcing myself to sleep! oh well..

Eeek, I had a nightmare last night, yes, nightmare! I dreamt that I married some random high school friend after 2 weeks of dating! O_O !! Not least because i don't even like said random high school friend because he's so..so..whiny! He moans about everything on facebook and bbm! sheesh.. Anyway, that wasn't the end of the nightmare! The wedding was awful, it was small and I looked like a trick! O_O! Now, i'm all for small weddings but getting married to some random not-liked-guy in a wedding with only friends and no family! AND to top it all off, i was in a stupid stupid knee-length halter white dress! O.M.G!! WTF?? The nightmare didn't end there! The camera broke whilst taking pictures and in the nightmare i couldn't remember how the said husband even proposed, neither could he! Eeeeekkkk!! And then *oh yeah! there's more!* I called my ex and said i just wanted him to know i got married before he found out through press, and then he went mute! What the hell right? *le sigh*

You can see why i called this a nightmare right? I mean, imagine all that! I overslept because of the n'mare and got to church late as well! I prayed against that ish real quick! Tufiakwa! Oloun ma je!

Aiiiiiiii! Man life's going by sha. A friend called me to rant about how i've ignored him and not called. I wish people could understand that my life is literally wake-work-sleep and do it all over again. When i'm not working i'm too tired to care, you should see my apartment! But I know that I ought to make an effort, i know that. Even the thought of that makes me tired! I do though, i don't want to wake up one day and find myself all alone.

I received a couple of dreams this past week, and I'm praying for favour to do them. Now, i'm not a career person, I'm not a competetive person at all and doing things to boost cv and all that ish is not for me. But I've always said I want to go back home and clearly, i'm going to need to learn some relevant medicine for that part of the world, you know, self improvement and all that. I understandably know nothing about malaria and the likes, so i'm protecting and working towards doing a diploma in tropical medicine. I'm not going to be able to do it until autmn 2012 because it's a full time course and there are only 2 schools in England who offer the course - london and liverpool and only 70 places in each school! Competetion much? LOL..I'm going to a fair on wednesday in manchester, i believe the london school will be there to get some more information about best time to apply and all that. What i can do in the mean time is start saving! My designer bags are going to have to wait lol...i kid!

The other one is to complete both parts of my membership exams prior to that. Heaven knows why membership exams are so costly! I best get my read on and behave myself. Favour is one thing, putting in the work is another.

I had much more to write about, but I best make myself sleep, it's 3am now. Got a bit of shopping to do in the morning and reading. I've promised myself some leisurely reading this week i've got off. Last time i read a book was before graduation! And i actually enjoy reading..I've got a couple of yoruba books I was so excited to recieve in the summer to better my spoken and written language, i've only managed to get through a couple of chapters!

Glad Sting's back writing, her post on heart break is hilarious! LOL..and oyin handmade hair products in the UK? Score! Natural hair maintenance just got easier! hehe...

Right, i'm off to bed, have a good week everyone.

Enitan
xx

Emotionally tired

It's the end of the weekend, I ought to be well rested and ready to have a go at the new week. Yet I'm tired, exhausted actually. I've come to realise it's an emotional/psychological tiredness as opposed to a physical one.

I had a pretty roller-coaster saturday which has spilled over into my sunday. I recently sent off an application to renew my visa via post because i'd already been to the home office and failed, i refused to go through that a second time *I promsie to write about it when it's all done* I received a letter on saturday morning instructing that i go submit my biometrics within the next 15days from the date the letter was written (which was already 3 days before i received it) otherwise my application would be invalid. I wondered if these people know that regular people have jobs to go to *smh* Anyway, wild horses would have been unable to drag me to the home office in sheffield so I opted to go to the post office in durham instead, an hour and some train ride from leeds.

The post office shut at 4 and my train was scheduled to arrive durham at 2, only it didn't. We got stuck on the tracks due to a signal fault just outside the station actually, which was more frustrating, for about 45 minutes and arrived durham round about three. I was already mighty stressed by the point the train finally pulled into durham because I had only an hour to get my business sorted.

While the train was immobile on the tracks, my stress levels rocketed through the roof, and i sent up a desperate prayer to God, as in literally said 'Father i'm desperate i have to get this ish done, please move this train', barely a minute after my desperate cry we moved! Finally got to durham, no taxis at the taxi rank and i thought fantastic! Things weren't looking peachy. Waited impatiently for a cab, got to the post office only to be told to come back another day that the system had broken down and several attempts at re-booting had not helped.

That was the last straw. I broke down in tears. I had had enough. The visa steez has been dragging on for so long, I'd had a 77hr week at work and was completely exhausted, not having had anything to eat all day, the train delay, no cab and then to be told i couldn't give the fingerprints just tipped me over the edge. I cried for about a minute or two.

I acknowledged that i was stressed and fed up because i.do.not.cry. As in, in all honesty, i don't remember the last time i shed a tear, i didn't even cry at my dad's funeral for pete's sake! I guess it all just got to me. I wearily go to the atm go get money for a cab back to the station only to have this nudging to go back and ask for the post office number so i could call next saturday before travelling down there. I thought about asking the lady to please re-boot one more time, but dismissed the thought.

As soon as i walked up to the booth, the lady exclaimed 'thank goodness you came back! It's working now!' I was like shuo??! are u sure? Apparently one of the staff had gone out to look for me because i'd been so distressed to tell me it was working but didn't see me. At that point i couldn't even crack a smile, i was soo relieved, i can't begin to help you understand! So yeah, got it done, trekked back to the station and started the long journey home.

God had my back! I did not even hesitate in giving Him thanks. Twice He saved my ass in one day! I've always said that God loves me, how He always shows up just on time never ceases to amaze me!

I got home round about half 6 completely weary and then my tesco delivery came! I can't believe i've been living on practically no food just because i haven't had the time to go grocery shopping.

Anyway, that was my weekend. It was supposed to be restful, i was supposed to do some reading. No such luck. So much emotional drama. I can't imagine how some people actively seek drama in their lives sha, I can't bear it. I'm not good with emotions: emotions are the devil! lol.. so fickle and yet so powerful, but i've always maintained that emotions are to be subdued. We are the boss of our 'feelings' and not the other way round..i digress

Anyway, got a chance to properly thank God with dance and song today at church. Sometimes when we watch people at church, we wonder why they are so effusive..man, only he who wears the shoe knows where it pinches jare!

On a random note, i'm going to join the  youth fellowship in church! My friends would give me a collectiive side eye to this proclamation lol! Only because i'm one of those who relish anonymity, but i figured what other way to meet people in leeds and actually have some human company besides patients, nurses and doctors. I mean with all the time i spend working, i can't see how else i'll get to meet people and i have no intention to be all alone in this city. Anyway, fingers crossed for that.


On another random note, i've finally admitted to myself that i'm not completely over the 'crush' i blogged about earlier on. I mean the fact that i'm not okay with him bringing up his girlfriend anytime we chat on bbm just smacks of that. I can't pretend that it's not true and i can't keep brushing her aside whenever she comes up in convos  - denial much? It was his birthday this friday just gone and he spent it with her, fair. I mean he'd been so down lately i was glad he finally took my advice and took the weekend off, but i can't explain what went through my heart and head when he gushed about spending the weekend with her. Yep! major R.E.A.L.I.T.Y. C.H.E.C.K! lol..and so i have made the decision to be deliberate about moving.the.fuck.on! Which sadly means imma have to cut down on the conversations, chat, thoughts etc. beacause earth to enitan: y'all are no longer buddies like that..move over! So yes, mentally i have moved jare, another one bites the dust and we keep on moving...

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Gosh, i needed to exhale. i'm off to bed now, on-call this week. I need to focus, re-group and take the week head - on. It's a new month yo, i'm expecting torrential blessings, big big things are going to happen in my life this month beginning from.. right now! It's going to be a season of rest and refreshing for me, after all the shit i've been through this past quarter, i'm looking forward to resting in God's secret place.

What are you expecting this month? Whatever it is, I wish you well. Have a great November :)

Enitan
xx