Monday, 1 November 2010

Emotionally tired

It's the end of the weekend, I ought to be well rested and ready to have a go at the new week. Yet I'm tired, exhausted actually. I've come to realise it's an emotional/psychological tiredness as opposed to a physical one.

I had a pretty roller-coaster saturday which has spilled over into my sunday. I recently sent off an application to renew my visa via post because i'd already been to the home office and failed, i refused to go through that a second time *I promsie to write about it when it's all done* I received a letter on saturday morning instructing that i go submit my biometrics within the next 15days from the date the letter was written (which was already 3 days before i received it) otherwise my application would be invalid. I wondered if these people know that regular people have jobs to go to *smh* Anyway, wild horses would have been unable to drag me to the home office in sheffield so I opted to go to the post office in durham instead, an hour and some train ride from leeds.

The post office shut at 4 and my train was scheduled to arrive durham at 2, only it didn't. We got stuck on the tracks due to a signal fault just outside the station actually, which was more frustrating, for about 45 minutes and arrived durham round about three. I was already mighty stressed by the point the train finally pulled into durham because I had only an hour to get my business sorted.

While the train was immobile on the tracks, my stress levels rocketed through the roof, and i sent up a desperate prayer to God, as in literally said 'Father i'm desperate i have to get this ish done, please move this train', barely a minute after my desperate cry we moved! Finally got to durham, no taxis at the taxi rank and i thought fantastic! Things weren't looking peachy. Waited impatiently for a cab, got to the post office only to be told to come back another day that the system had broken down and several attempts at re-booting had not helped.

That was the last straw. I broke down in tears. I had had enough. The visa steez has been dragging on for so long, I'd had a 77hr week at work and was completely exhausted, not having had anything to eat all day, the train delay, no cab and then to be told i couldn't give the fingerprints just tipped me over the edge. I cried for about a minute or two.

I acknowledged that i was stressed and fed up because i.do.not.cry. As in, in all honesty, i don't remember the last time i shed a tear, i didn't even cry at my dad's funeral for pete's sake! I guess it all just got to me. I wearily go to the atm go get money for a cab back to the station only to have this nudging to go back and ask for the post office number so i could call next saturday before travelling down there. I thought about asking the lady to please re-boot one more time, but dismissed the thought.

As soon as i walked up to the booth, the lady exclaimed 'thank goodness you came back! It's working now!' I was like shuo??! are u sure? Apparently one of the staff had gone out to look for me because i'd been so distressed to tell me it was working but didn't see me. At that point i couldn't even crack a smile, i was soo relieved, i can't begin to help you understand! So yeah, got it done, trekked back to the station and started the long journey home.

God had my back! I did not even hesitate in giving Him thanks. Twice He saved my ass in one day! I've always said that God loves me, how He always shows up just on time never ceases to amaze me!

I got home round about half 6 completely weary and then my tesco delivery came! I can't believe i've been living on practically no food just because i haven't had the time to go grocery shopping.

Anyway, that was my weekend. It was supposed to be restful, i was supposed to do some reading. No such luck. So much emotional drama. I can't imagine how some people actively seek drama in their lives sha, I can't bear it. I'm not good with emotions: emotions are the devil! lol.. so fickle and yet so powerful, but i've always maintained that emotions are to be subdued. We are the boss of our 'feelings' and not the other way round..i digress

Anyway, got a chance to properly thank God with dance and song today at church. Sometimes when we watch people at church, we wonder why they are so effusive..man, only he who wears the shoe knows where it pinches jare!

On a random note, i'm going to join the  youth fellowship in church! My friends would give me a collectiive side eye to this proclamation lol! Only because i'm one of those who relish anonymity, but i figured what other way to meet people in leeds and actually have some human company besides patients, nurses and doctors. I mean with all the time i spend working, i can't see how else i'll get to meet people and i have no intention to be all alone in this city. Anyway, fingers crossed for that.


On another random note, i've finally admitted to myself that i'm not completely over the 'crush' i blogged about earlier on. I mean the fact that i'm not okay with him bringing up his girlfriend anytime we chat on bbm just smacks of that. I can't pretend that it's not true and i can't keep brushing her aside whenever she comes up in convos  - denial much? It was his birthday this friday just gone and he spent it with her, fair. I mean he'd been so down lately i was glad he finally took my advice and took the weekend off, but i can't explain what went through my heart and head when he gushed about spending the weekend with her. Yep! major R.E.A.L.I.T.Y. C.H.E.C.K! lol..and so i have made the decision to be deliberate about moving.the.fuck.on! Which sadly means imma have to cut down on the conversations, chat, thoughts etc. beacause earth to enitan: y'all are no longer buddies like that..move over! So yes, mentally i have moved jare, another one bites the dust and we keep on moving...

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Gosh, i needed to exhale. i'm off to bed now, on-call this week. I need to focus, re-group and take the week head - on. It's a new month yo, i'm expecting torrential blessings, big big things are going to happen in my life this month beginning from.. right now! It's going to be a season of rest and refreshing for me, after all the shit i've been through this past quarter, i'm looking forward to resting in God's secret place.

What are you expecting this month? Whatever it is, I wish you well. Have a great November :)

Enitan
xx

1 comment:

Myne Whitman said...

Wow, that is a testimony! I'm glad you got the visa issue settled. Pele dear and wish you the best getting off the crush/