exhaling

I'm angry:

With myself for not being over this yet

With myself for having such an expressive face

With myself for my inability to hide my state of mind from everyone

With myself when I find my thoughts straying towards you - still

With myself for being mad at you

At you for doing this to me - deliberately or not, I no longer care

At you for asking me to give my most precious gift to you as if you couldn't comprehend its worth - I suppose you really couldn't

At you for reminding me what loneliness is  - I was blissfully happy in my own company prior to you walking into my life

At myself because i'm lying here listening to the rain fall and thinking about you, wanting you to hold me

At you because you've so royally fucked with my mind and emotions and you don't even seem to know what you've done - and if you do know, you've done a good job if ignoring it


At you because I'm no longer the same person - because i detest who i've become  - because of you

At you and I because i'm still here, trying my best to ride this out all on my own, while your life carries on with your together, seemingly blissfully happy

At you because you're surprised i'm no longer 'myself' around you - how can you not know why?

I'm angry because i'm tearful.

100 truths

I love doing these, makes me actually think about me! I stole this off M'babazi :)

1. Last beverage → rose  (i can't place dash on the e!) at my friend's birthday last week

2. Last phone call → Kavi- to cheer her up, she's almost done with med school finals:) 

3. Last text message→ From bea, meet up tomorrow! 

4. Last song you listened to→ Can't be friends - trey songz *story of my life

5. Last time you cried→ In my living room, sometime last week. I was fed up with myself. I cry when i'm frustrated.

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice? → No, I've only dated one person - so far

7. Been cheated on? → No. Yes, i can say that with absolute certainty 

8. Kissed someone? → yes I have. Shouldn't have kissed the last person though 

9. Lost someone special? → Yes, I have. Daddy 

10. Been depressed?→ Gosh yes! Just came up out of an episode actually

11. Been drunk and threw up? →No, i'm too responsible and self aware to drink too much :p

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Red
13. Purple
14.Yellow
15.Black

HAVE YOU:
16. Made new friends → Yes, since moving up North I have. Quite proud of myself too! 

17. Fallen out of love → No, I didn't fall out of love. It was an educated decision to stop loving 

18. Laughed until you cried →Yep! One of the most exhiliarting things ever!

19. Met someone who changed you → oooh..i won't say change per se, but perhaps influenced me i suppose. I've met someone who caused me to be soo introspective - even worse than i already was! I've also met someone who taught me to be less selfish with my time   

20. Found out who your true friends were → Gosh yeah, would neeeverrr forget that lesson! Harsh, painful but a good lesson to learn   

21. Found out someone was talking about you →No. I'm quite oblivious to things like that   

22. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list → Yes, I shouldn't have. Would have saved myself reams of heart ache and torture.

23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life? ALL. I'm quite selective like that

25. Do you have any pets → No, unfortunately not. I always thought puppy's were cute

26. Do you want to change your name → Gosh no, how i LOVE my name! I make people who can pronounce my name call me my full name :D

27. What did you do for your last birthday →Had my friends over, cooked and had lots of cake and ice-cream. Had a lovely day

28. What time did you wake up today → 7:30

29. What were you doing at midnight last night → getting into bed i think

30. Name something you CANNOT wait for → CAN'T wait to get a car! I want a corsa..oh and i'm patiently waiting to love someone and be loved right back :)

31. Last time you saw your father→ In the spring of the year he died * I smile everytime i remember that. He got in the cab and said he'll see me in the autumn. He never did. Incorrigible that father of mine! :) *

32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → I wish I never met and got involved with the last person i did. I cannot begin to explain the turmoil and unhappiness and just plain misery i've been through and still going through. stooopid stoopid stooopid. Some experiences are unnecessary i say, learn from others'! 

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → LOL! yes, my driving instructor is Tom. I lurrrve him! :)

34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? → Myself. I'm fed up with hurting, but i suppose i gotta ride it out

35. Most visited webpage → err, I suppose i spend a lotta time on youtube 

36. What’s your name→ I'm gonna stick with Enitan. It is my name, but not my first name
37. Nicknames →Varies depends on who's calling me. My favourite is my dad's for me : marina. He always said i'd fetch him some good money if he sold me off at the marina if he ever got broke :) aww, i love my daddy!

38. Relationship Status → Single and for the second time in my life want to be in a relationship. Patiently waiting and working on myself in the mean time, oh and trying to get over the mess that i created

39. Zodiac sign → Pisces. It's scary how the descriptions pisces is sooo like me!

40. Male or female or transgendered → female

41. Primary → St Leo's catholic primary school

42.Middle School→Lagos state model college Igbonla

43. High school → Same as above

44. Hair color → black

45. Long/medium/short → medium afro :)

46. Height → somewhere around 160cm

47. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yes - unfortunately *rolling my eyes*. I.WILL.GET.OVER.IT. I.MUST.GET.OVER.IT.!

48. What do you like about yourself? → I like that I care about people and I remember details they won't expect me to remember

49. Piercings → Ears only

50. Tattoos → awww, i REALLY REALLY want a tatoo! Right above my left latera malleolus. I always lust after other peoples' tatts! 

 51. Righty or lefty → Righty. Very righty, i mean I put my right arm and legs in my clothes first. I start my make up on the right side of my face! LOL

FIRSTS
52. First surgery → None thankfully

53. First piercing → ears ,as a baby. One dost not remember :p

54. First best friends → Truly: mariya. Met in a-levels. Still close to my heart to this day :) 

55. First sport you joined → badminton

56. First pet → never owned one. My mum didn't allow it :(

57. First vacation → To Edinburgh earlier this year. Had a beautiful time :) 

58. First concert → delirious? in brighton

59. First crush → Opeyemi. He gets on my nerves now, such a whiny fellow! Only had one crush since then..the current one. No, i didn't have a crush on the ex. I liked him and took the plunge :p 

RIGHT NOW:
60. Eating → Nothing, too lazy to go get ice-cream i'm craving from the fridge lol

61. Drinking → Water

62. Already missing → my bed man! long day!

63. I’m about to → turn my heater on. A bit chilly

64. Listening to → Joyce Meyer teach about learning lessons and not running away from goliaths in life

65. Thinking about → how the flesh suffers when it doesn't get it's way. Also thinking about a friend's health but i'm not gonna pick up the phone to ask because I don't want to appear like i've been thinking about said friend and because i'm doing my best to get over said friend..childish much?

66. Waiting for → This phase of my life to be over!

YOUR FUTURE :
67. Want kids? → Certainly, two maybe three max :)

68. Want to get married? → Gosh yeah, most certainly. I want to be in a loving committed relationship. I've got soo much love to give! 

69. Careers in mind → I already have a career, question is do i want to follow it through?

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
70. Lips or eyes → I'm a sucker for beautiful piercing eyes 


71. Hugs or kisses →HUGS! oh gosh hugs! Nothing makes me feel more loved :)


72. Shorter or taller → Taller is fine but whatever, don't care that much 

73. Older or Younger →preferrably older, but hey..love comes in different packages


74. Romantic or spontaneous →oooh, hard. but i'd go with spontaneous! 


75. Nice stomach or nice arms → LOL. Arms, i respond a lot to touch :)


76. Sensitive or loud → There's room for both! 


77. Hook-up or relationship →Relationship! I dare not say hook up after the mess i'm in!


78. Trouble maker or hesitant→neither joh

HAVE YOU EVER :

79. Drank hard liquor → Yep!

80. Lost glasses/contacts →I've lost count of the number of glasses i've lost. I mean, how do you loose a pair of glasses?!

81. Had sex on 1st date → No. Still waiting on that hehehe

82. Broken someone’s heart → Yes. I still get a pang of pain and guilt everytime i think about it

83. Had your own heart broken → Yeah, but perhaps i'd say hurt on a huge level as opposed to heart broken. Hurts like a mofo man!


84. Been arrested → Nah

85. Turned someone down → Yes, gently of course :)

86. Cried when someone died →No, I seem to cry only when i'm frustrated

87. Liked a friend that of the same sex? → Not like that nah, hehe

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
88. Yourself → I believe in the God through me and that He empowers me to prosper in anything i lay my hands on 

89. Miracles → Damn straight. I believe in the God i serve

90. Love at first sight → That's a fable. Love's a decision. Lust, infatuation, attraction, chemistry, interest on first sight yes. N0t love

91. Heaven →Most certainly

92. Santa Clause → Not since i realised Nigerian homes didn't have chimneys lol!

93. Kiss on the first date? → Never done that. Most likely will not do that.

94. Angels → YES

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → YES, so badly! But I cannot. I will not.

97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → No, i'm a monogamous soul

98. Wish you could change things in your past? →  yeah, but what to do? Ignoring the things in the past and pressing on ahead man

99. Are you posting this as 100 Truths? → Yes

100. Where are you right now?At home, on my couch, my spot :D

relapse

Twitter is where I vent

But I can't express how much I hate that I miss you

It's a one step forward two steps back situation

I remember why I miss you and curse myself for bringing this upon myself

But what's the use in lying to myself?

They say acceptance is the first step towards healing

But I can't express this in 140 characters or less

Because you'll see it..and i'd be damned if I ever let you know that I miss you

Emotional Lability

a.k.a emotional incontinence refers to a neurologic disorder characterized by involuntary crying or uncontrollable episodes of crying and/or laughing, or other emotional displays. PBA occurs secondary to neurologic disease or brain injury. Patients may find themselves crying uncontrollably at something that is only moderately sad, being unable to stop themselves for several minutes. Episodes may also be mood-incongruent: a patient might laugh uncontrollably when angry or frustrated, for example...as explained by wikipedia :)

 I feel quite incontinent of my emotions right now, which suprises and displeases me. It all began when a friend expressed their displeasure at my turning up late for an appointment. I'm not an african time kinda person, it irritates me to hell. In my head I know and understand that 1) it wasn't my fault I was late as I was kept waiting by another 2) I shouldn't let someone else's feelings affect me so deeply 3) I should let it go, I apologised a number of times and she quit being upset from the get go anyway

I've come to realise, rather alarmingly,  that I care perhaps a bit too much about how I'm perceived. Of course it's okay to have a degree of self awareness but when did i morph into this person whose countenance changes because of the worry and care of what other(s) think and feel toward/about me?

I feel so destabilised and i don't like it. I hear myself using the word 'feel' an obscence number of times. I know that what you feel and what you know are two different entities and that what you feel is affected positively or otherwise by what you think. I know this..yet, here i am writing a blog post about how i 'feel'. Jeez, I thought I was over this by now. I really do feel like i'm regressing and i'm having to re-learn so many lessons again.

This prolonged emotional rigmarole has left me feeling so raw, naked, exposed and small. I don't like not being in control, i don't like not knowing how people who are important to me feel or think about me. Oh to be a mind reader! I desperately want to withdraw, quietly into a corner somewhere but i shouldn't and i can't.

I've put myself way out there now, it'll be so noticeable if i do that and questions will be asked. I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to put on a everything-is-fine, i-got-everything-under-control front. cuz everything isn't fine and everything isn't under control. The burden's heavy and i've found myself in a i-want-someone-in-my-life-to-help-with-this. I don't like that. Where did God and self sufficient enitan go? I seem to have become this person I don't recognise without my knowledge or consent.

daughter-sister-friend-counselor-doctor-adult-ex-side chic-enitan. I think i'm running on empty

physician heal thyself? One dost expect a bit much from oneself it would seem

Que sera sera