Thursday, 12 January 2012

billy no mates

I'm sat here throwing a ginormous pity part for myself. Today i came to the realisation that i'm all alone, and lonely for the most part of it. I've finally got some time off work - 2 weeks off actually which in itself is awesome *ignoring the looming exam that i do not give a rats ass about* and all i want is a change of scene. I want to go somewhere nice with nice museums and galleries. Ideally i'd love to go to paris or spain - but i don't have the motivation or time for visa steez mehn, that ish is stressful. I'm actually alright with the 'big' cities in the UK, who to go with - absolutely nodody. Granted holiday in the middle of the week is a bit of a piss take, the holidays are over and there's no bank holiday so of course no-one's available and that stinks - i hate my job. Yes i blame it for my lack of social life, i'm NEVER around! Worked all through the holidays when i was supposed to be spending time with others and now i get time off in the middle of january for what now? Mscheww

Even sadder is the realisation that even if people weren't at work, who would i go on a mini-holiday with? *sigh* how did i turn out to be an almost 25 year old with hardly any friends? I'm used to being alone yes, i've had to deal with that since i was 15. Alone i can handle, being lonely stinks.

So after my exams on monday i've got a whole week off work with no one to spend it with and no where to go. I've done Edinburgh, Cardiff, Leeds, Brighton, Portsmouth - i'm thin on places to go. I want to go to cornwall but really i don't want to go all by myself *sigh* I still don't know how my life has turned out like this - again - i made a valiant effort last year and met the friendly friends - but thanks to pushpuller and my extreme methods of dealing with that, that's all gone down the drain.

I suppose it's not all bad, i could read for leisure, learn to paint better and not dwell on the sadness that is my life at the moment, and i suppose not travelling means i can save a bit for my relocation -- yes i am going back home, i have no life in this place neither am i happy here. i'd be doing myself a great disservice going through life half heartedly, i've been 'sensible' for the past quarter of a century - it's time to be happy abeg.

I'm working nights on the weekend of my birthday - ive been looking foward to my birthday since christmas. i'd be 25, it'd have been the first birthday i celebrated - besides my first birthday. I didn't have an 18th, i was broke and homeless living on someone's floor on my 21st so i'd been looking foward to a big blow out - evidently not. I feel like my job is robbing me of my life.

i want to go home, i want to go home and not come back. yes i'm following the fuel subsidy and other news, but it's home - i won't be alone or so chronically lonely, and i'd be free to love and be in love.

heaven keep my country and my people please. I'm done waiting for my life to start, it's time to kickstart it.

In the mean time, imma ride this funk out and do my best not to let the threatening tears fall. Igba die na lo ku (there's just a short time remaining).

I miss H and not even fighting it anymore. I let myself feel whatever i'm feeling and admit that he's the only joy in my life right about now and don't want him to leave

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