Monday, 2 January 2012

early morning thoughts

Christmas was over in a flash. It's already 2nd Jan 2012. Wow, I've never been so uninterested. Must be what the grinch felt like :). I can't say it's been a fantastic 2011, it's been one hell of a year though. I'm glad it's over - so glad it's over.

I'm not excited about new beginnings or the rest of my life or whatever the lingo is - it feels like business as usual, I mean it's a bank holiday today and I'm getting up in a few hour for a 12hr shift - joy. I wish people would be a bit more sympathetic and not go 'well you knew that before you got into it' no, actually I didn't - but whatever.

I've been actively staying away from my friends recently - I'm doing that withdrawing thing again. I need to get myself togethher - I feel that bitter darkness creeping in again and I don't want to go there. No tears in 2012 enitan, man the fuck up.

Yesterday I found out that the girlfriend of one of tha guys who's been chasing me is heavily pregnant. Not rumour, I saw her. I know her, I knew he had a girlfriend but I didn't realise she was pregnant! I was sooo shocked, as in stupefied! I felt so small and hurt and bruised all at the same time. I know it's not my fault and he's a dickhead. At the same time I wondered if all people seem to think I'm good for is to be a side chic. Pushpuller did that, he did that so did someone else. I'm like what? I don't deserve to have someone's love and affection all to myself? I mean is side chic written on my forehead wtf?
I told H, bless him he was mad on my behalf! Lol. Boy, am I gLad that's well and truly done with.

I've been actively running away from push-puller, he's been actively trying to get my attention. His other is significantly around. I'm handling it the only way I know how - see no evil, feel no evil. It's definitely easier by miles, I'm just not there yet- I'm waiting to get to that place of indifference where I feel absolutely nothing *not that I've ever been capable of doing that but I'm trying*. It hurts a lot less when I see him now - significantly less which is good. I asked my Father to help me be done with it - sooner rather than later. The one thing I've learnt? - still water definitely run deep aptly describes me..I'm a 100% emotionally involved in whatever I get into - I didn't realise how deeply involved I'd gotten until it was too late. But, we're getting somewhere - treading water. I hope I'll be all fixed before they drop the bomb we're all expecting - seems like there's something in the water these days

Midnight came and I was in church, as usual. Pastor asked us to ask God for what we'd like and I actually surprised myself with what came out of my soul. I asked my Father to give me the desire to love him again - I used to love him and spend time with him, somehow I don't know how to manage my time to involve him any longer and by God do I need Him in my life! I need His friendship, mercy, comfort and guidance. I asked for total healing regarding residual hurt in my heart. I asked Him to please please tell me quickly what I should do, stay or relocate? I'm so in knots about this issue I need His guidance and direction soo badly! I asked Him to please give me someone for keeps - I don't want to spend another holiday alone without a friend, lover and partner. I've been alone too long I don't want to be anymore.
This month makes it 2years since my only previous relationship. I'm not fazed my the constant questions from concerned family and friends or the constant hooking up- I just need and want one for me. I'm so ready..I say that when I know I'm kinda unavailable-ish. I miss H & I know he misses me something fierce - I keep asking my Father why there's always a k-leg when it comes to me being with someone. Last one was far away, I didn't permit anything with mr portsmouth as he's so far away. H? Well, H is trans-atlantic. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm asking for too much to be with someone in close proxmity..sigh

I have an exam in a couple of weeks - for GP speacialist training applications. I haven't studied. I don't even know what to study. I don't actually care. I should care.

I will re-take my driving test. I'm hesitating because I don't wanna get a car only to sell It a few months later if I go home. Gosh I hate uncertainty!

I want to know what it is to live with a family-ive been away from home since I was 9 and I really yearn to be surrounded by people who love and care about me, warts and all. I'll make sure when I have my family we will be together more often than not - especially during the holidays.

My heart went out to Sting in her post about the bitch-assness that is medical school. Med school IS difficult. It's soul destroying and no-one outside it understands. I'm rooting for you sting, you deserve to come out of it better, stronger and happier!

I wish H could come visit, I miss him loads.

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