Detox

I was in a pretty good mood today,despite the heavy downpour, put on my bright yellow skirt and even brighter red lippie to run a few errands and meet up with a friend to catch up over a cuppa. I have a pretty good gut instinct even if i say so myself and ought to know by now to trust it - it's never failed me. Closer to meet up I couldn't ignore the need to bolt home and cancel the date, but being the polite person I am, I refused to be deliberately so rude. Perhaps if I had cancelled, I wouldn't be sitting here, writing and listening to muyiwa and riversongs on full blast trying to shake off this funk and cloud of negative energy currently sat about me, I feel like the little joy i had has been sucked outta me after that cuppa. I'm currently hovering between being completely down and angry - I ought to know better. Time and life is precious - we must be selective about who we let into our space and influence us. Again, i ought to know that. I need a 'friend' detox - evidently.

So I may not have my life all figured out and in all shades of roses but I really really did not feel good about being told that i'm apathetic and should know by now that life is for living, it's not boring but instead I am the boring one. I should have said something at the time? I was to busy listening to the words i was stupidly being allowed to be sown into my soul to come up with a response. I was sat there thinking, they are my tweets, it's my twitter account, i can vent when i want! To take my tweets and colour me all shades of apathetic was hurtful. It started with the  way said friend will never ask after me anymore after reading my tweets because when ever she asks, i say i'm fine and she seems to be wrong and that 'if one is wrong all the time then it's time to stop'. This time i did respond - i said and still say,  i AM fine. I have a moment and tweet that i feel jaded and a bit apathetic towards the olympics and suddenly i have issues and live life and stop being apathetic and boring? *sigh*

Thank God for strength and maturity because even if her words did make me feel like such a failure, I KNOW i'm anything but. Crickey, one's not allowed to be a mess no matter how fleeting every now and then? It's not a good thing to leave someone's presence and feel like you need a giant hug.

You don't like something- change it. Someone sucks the life out of you - keep yourself away from such toxic aura. I have enough on my plate to deal with someone's opinion of me i can do without. No i'm not against criticism, but constructive and at least true. I refuse to be made - intentionally or unintentionally - to feel like a snivelling less than human being. I am quite awesome even if i say so myself.

I still want that hug. As that's not feasible, i'll make do with Lara George's awesome voice , might throw in a bit of sonnie badu and all shall be right in my world soon enough.

once upon a time

I must have been all of what? 12 or 13 i think, first year of senior secondary school when I initially came across the word 'empty' in a different context. My school mum at the time, looked me straight in the eye and said to me 'you are empty'

I remember the day vividly. A previous classmate of ours had come to visit after having left school a few classes before. Everyone was in such an excited tizz, falling over themselves to go see her in the courtyard and there I was laying my bed about to enjoy a nap. My school mum shoots me a arent you going to see your friend  look? I go 'no i'm not, what difference does that make to my life? she's been and gone and moved on. My pretending to be excited to see her affects forex how?' which prompted the pronounciation of emptiness

I didn't understand it for a long time, for a long long time and then she explained it to me. My life had nothing to it, nothing in it! I woke up, went to school, slept, didn't really have any friends and did it all over again the next day. She was right, there was nothing to my life, i had no hopes, no dreams, no ambitions, i didn't look foward to anything really and just existed. Nothing made me excited, nothing kept me going really apart from the fact that i had to.  I existed, i wasn't living, i was empty.

Tried my hand woefully at trying to fill the void with just about everything - nothing fit. Absolutely nothing. Not a person, not academics, nothing. The only thing that fit the emptiness is what was missing. Took me a while - months to realise it was God who was missing. Nothing fits a God size hole in one's soul - nothing. Not money, not lovers, not the society's idea of success, nothing except God fits a God size hole in the soul.

You can't ride on the coat tails of someone else's salvation. Your happiness is no one's responsibility except your's. It's no one's duty to make and keep you happy. Happiness is so fleeting, Joy - real Joy comes from the Most High.

funny images - well, mostly

haha

Lagos! Shot by le boy :)

i'm delicious and i know it! :-p

Enough said!

this tickles me all the time :)

truth!

cookie monsterrrrrrrrrrr!

peer pressure ain't got nothing on me yo!

*all images tiffed, stolen, downloaded from various bbm contacts. None belong to me*
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cuteness!

this is the sweetest image ever. Her cute afro makes me go awwwww

*image curtsey of bbm contact. Rights do not belong to me*
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What love is

*image as tiffed from bbm contact. I have no right to this image*

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Favourite images

keep it simple

lemon-aid :-p

farabale lol

enough said haha

pink!

REGAL. Love this image!

hehehe

hahaha, evil! cyanide and happiness is my thang!

because time waits for no one

*images tiffed, downloaded, shared from bbm contacts. I hold no claim or rights to them*
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hello world

It's been a  hella couple of months.

friend's death and funeral - she was only 27 bless her soul.

finishing foundation training in an incredibly stressful manner - the postgraduate training this side of the pond is dead i tell you. At least it's done and dusted thank God.

wedding planning - gosh wedding planning. I'm never going to agree to be a maid of honour ever again - my goodness!

learning sooo much more about myself - yes i'm an eternal loner and an eternal realist. Only God's grace has kept me from murdering my live-in housemate thus far. :o) she's actually absolutely divine, it's the loner in me that cusses for a minute before i check my attitude when i come back from a long day to a human being and so have to make conversation lol. I'm getting better though, much better. I took myself out on a date yesterday though, i needed the break. I can NEVER get antsy about it, never. All i need do is remember when i was homeless, slept on someone's floor after getting kicked out by someone else's housemate. God has brought me a long long way i tell you. Those times in the valley were all preparing me for a time like this. Afterall, how do i explain to God that i didn't lend a helping hand when He has clearly blessed me to be a blessing? Selfishness and kingdom living don't feature in the same sentence i tell you.

Completely taken my mind, my heart, my thoughts my everything off Mr Portsmouth  months ago. Lovely and all, but i came to the realisation that i want and need someone who claims i'm important to behave like it - actions and not words - actions, and to think we're in the same country - please. I'm not in my fifth decade single and desperate abeg. I had this epiphany shortly after i thought long and hard about what i'm doing with the boy. Funny, i'd have never thought you could grow to like someone more a few months down the line, ish is supposed to be at the maximum excitement in the beginning right? On the contrary. I like this realisation.

I was so certain that if the summer plans didn't work out and the boy didn't come visit - i was so done with it, you know get out before you get in too deep, an across the pond thing wasn't my ideal anyway you know. Only for the summer to show up and i'm like woah okay, i don't think i want out! I didn't want out, evidently i had two feet in and didn't even realise and to be fair this is soo not difficult. A bit inconvenient yes, but not difficult I won't say. I've repeatedly asked my Father and i still do  to put an end to it asap if he doesn't approve and if it's not from Him. So far He seems pretty happy. If He's happy, i'm happy.

The only issue i have at the moment is figuring out what to do with my life. Yes, i'm still going round this mountain! Finished foundation training, 2 exams and one 5hour long interview later, got a GP specialist training programme - 3 year job contract yo! Wasn't an easy feat i tell you. Supposed to start 7 days ago and here i am sat at home applying to locum agencies because the home office is being a bastard and not issuing me a work permit in time. *sigh* I'm too much of a christian to not know that this isn't all surface and there's more to this than the physical. I've prayed about it, all i've asked of God is to give me source of income so i can pay my back tithes - my mind is not at rest knowing that i owe God. He's grown me up too much not to know the importance of that 10% in my life - Haven't been able to pay back tithes because of keeping money in  my account for this visa application steez. This visa stress steez is on another level in this country i tell you. If bank of daddy was around i won't even be applying to locum agencies lol. i'd have a year long holiday i say lol

So i've been out of a job for 8 days and i've NEVER be happier. NEVER. I haven't missed doctoring for even one second. Not at all. I'm desperate to figure out what i'm supposed to be doing. I feel like this a time for me to utilise in figuring out what i'm supposed to be doing with my life, new talents, alternative career paths and all, but i'm drawing blanks. I don't even know where to start and i feel like time is slipping by. As soon as i start work again i won't have so much time but i feel so useless - i literally don't know where to begin! God help me, i need direction

In the mean time, the sun is shinning, i'm happy, all's well in the world.

Thank you Jesus

:o)