Monday, 13 August 2012

once upon a time

I must have been all of what? 12 or 13 i think, first year of senior secondary school when I initially came across the word 'empty' in a different context. My school mum at the time, looked me straight in the eye and said to me 'you are empty'

I remember the day vividly. A previous classmate of ours had come to visit after having left school a few classes before. Everyone was in such an excited tizz, falling over themselves to go see her in the courtyard and there I was laying my bed about to enjoy a nap. My school mum shoots me a arent you going to see your friend  look? I go 'no i'm not, what difference does that make to my life? she's been and gone and moved on. My pretending to be excited to see her affects forex how?' which prompted the pronounciation of emptiness

I didn't understand it for a long time, for a long long time and then she explained it to me. My life had nothing to it, nothing in it! I woke up, went to school, slept, didn't really have any friends and did it all over again the next day. She was right, there was nothing to my life, i had no hopes, no dreams, no ambitions, i didn't look foward to anything really and just existed. Nothing made me excited, nothing kept me going really apart from the fact that i had to.  I existed, i wasn't living, i was empty.

Tried my hand woefully at trying to fill the void with just about everything - nothing fit. Absolutely nothing. Not a person, not academics, nothing. The only thing that fit the emptiness is what was missing. Took me a while - months to realise it was God who was missing. Nothing fits a God size hole in one's soul - nothing. Not money, not lovers, not the society's idea of success, nothing except God fits a God size hole in the soul.

You can't ride on the coat tails of someone else's salvation. Your happiness is no one's responsibility except your's. It's no one's duty to make and keep you happy. Happiness is so fleeting, Joy - real Joy comes from the Most High.

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