Batty

In 24hours i've gone from blissful solitude to tearful to scared to pissed off to being angry for no apparent reason

If that's not batty, i don't know what is.


I told the boy he feels like a stranger to me, has been since yesterday. Feels like we can't have a bloody conversation anymore and i blame instant messaging. I don't know what i'm more mad about - the fact that we can't seem to have a proper chat like we normally do or the fact that he didn't seem to notice and i had to bring it up.


I think i just miss him and i feel like i need him to not be so comfortable with an IM relationship - because i sure as hell am not


The rational me says i should go apologise. I just want to curl in a ball and cry.


I dreamt about my dad today - i haven't dreamt about him in so long. We were at home and he went to make himself a plate of pounded yam and retired to bed, lol.  So odd. I prayed for God to bless and have mercy on him :)

Issues - i clearly have them

need me, want me

'I've had such an awful day because you've not been in it, i've missed you so much'

Something in me clicks and rebels whenever i hear this or a variation of it.

On the surface of it, it's such a lovely thing to hear and it ought to make me feel all cuddly and warm inside..right?

On the contrary! I don't like it AT ALL. I hear that and all i immediately think is no! no!! no!!

I feel like - Surely, you have something to do with your self, with your time, with your life other than me?! I immediately feel overwhelmed and unable to breathe because i'm feeling like - i can't be the be all and end all of someone's life!

Missing me is one thing, yes - not doing anything other than miss me all day smacks of having nothing to do to distract yourself, switch your focus, change the direction of your thoughts and i dont like that - it makes me feel so overwhelmed! So - 'i'm not joined to you at the hip'

I don't want to be needed.

want me - yes, by all means please. That's infinitely pleasurable

need me - no thank you. I'm not a lifeline.



arghh this is all rambly and makes no sense

Fell in love with a boy

I fell in love with a boy;

with his kind heart and warm spirit.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his sense of humour and his brand of sarcasm.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his smile and listening ears.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his ambition and perserverance.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his ability to identify what he wants and determination to get it.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his praying spirit and his moral compass.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his love for fiction and his awareness of the supernatural.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his respect for life and passion to effect change.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his dogged refusal to bow to peer pressure.

I fell in love with a boy;

with a mind of his own and willingness to learn and be taught.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his bright smile and ready laugh.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his rough hands that feel just right against my skin

with his strong arms that make me feel everything will be okay

with the depth in the pools in his eyes and the uncertainty in them when he's shy and unsure.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his ready apology when either of us have sinned

with his allowing me to be myself 100% of the time

with his being 100% with me all of the time.

I fell in love with a boy and for the first time, i'm okay with that.