Thursday, 27 October 2011

?loving

Being asked to be someone's girlfriend should not be heartbreakingly difficult should it? And yet for the second time in my life i find myself at this place - this horrid horrid place where i'm stuck. Unhappy stuck.

I like Mr Pompey - I like Mr Pompey a lot but i've spent the past 4 days trying to come up with a way to say "how's about you ask me later? How's about you ask me when we get to know each other better? How's about you ask me when we're actually friends - cuz these days, friend is a word used loosely? How's about you ask me when you know me well enough and I know you well enough? Because you see, I'm not a 'date for the heck of it kinda girl' I need to know there's substance, that there's a foundation and that there's scope for it not to be a fling. Because I dont want to be someone's winter roll in the hay. Because I'm not there yet - because when i decide to be with someone i'm there 150%, but i need something more than where we're at now before i do that. Because i've been trying to convinve myself that you being in pompey doesnt matter, but it matters shit loads to me. The last person i attempted to love was far away, a year and a half of far away took it outta me. I need - not want - need more than a weekend boyfriend. I need to be able to see you half way through the week. I need you to be available, because while i'm stoic all on my own, if i'm going to be 150% then I need someone around. I don't want to do a LDR anymore because my needs have moved on from that"

Yeah, i havent come up with a way to say this. I'm not making Mr Pompey wait for the hell of it - i don't play games. I suppose it's been difficult for me and I didn't outrightly say no like i'd normally do, because fuck me, i actually like Mr Pompey, but i'm just not there yet, we're just not there yet. I didn't say no outright because - i guess if i'm being honest with myself - because i like him and because i wanted to see if time would change anything, because i wanted to buy time.

Will be believe me? I dunno. Will he understand? I hope so. I shrug my shoulders as i think about the other people i've told this to, who didn't believe me but instead went ahead to wipe me outta their lives. I suppose if Mr Pompey turns out to be one of those i'll get over it eventually - heck i got over pushpuller! If he doesn't, it'll be great to see if we can get there. But i'm acutely aware that i'm not working on my own time, i'm meeting a deadline. *sigh*

Shame really, i'm sure if i could afford time, if things were different and Mr Pompey could 'date' me properly things may just be different - but que sera sera. One doesn't always get what one wants and the universe often decides to throw a spanner in the works.

Damn me for being a head over heart kinda person..but this is me - this is really me. It's a gift i pay for - emotionally - very dearly..but what to do?



*sigh*

3 comments:

Madame Sting said...

Just say it the way u wrote it here. He should appreciate d honesty.

HoneyDame said...

By all means, go with your head....Just as Madam Sting said, he should appreciate the honesty..and if he doesnt, you have said it all, Que Sera Sera

Anonymous said...

QUE SERA SERA, JUST LET IT HAPPEN NATURALLY AND IT SHOULD ALL WORK OUT FINE