100 truths

I love doing these, makes me actually think about me! I stole this off M'babazi :)

1. Last beverage → rose  (i can't place dash on the e!) at my friend's birthday last week

2. Last phone call → Kavi- to cheer her up, she's almost done with med school finals:) 

3. Last text message→ From bea, meet up tomorrow! 

4. Last song you listened to→ Can't be friends - trey songz *story of my life

5. Last time you cried→ In my living room, sometime last week. I was fed up with myself. I cry when i'm frustrated.

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice? → No, I've only dated one person - so far

7. Been cheated on? → No. Yes, i can say that with absolute certainty 

8. Kissed someone? → yes I have. Shouldn't have kissed the last person though 

9. Lost someone special? → Yes, I have. Daddy 

10. Been depressed?→ Gosh yes! Just came up out of an episode actually

11. Been drunk and threw up? →No, i'm too responsible and self aware to drink too much :p

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Red
13. Purple
14.Yellow
15.Black

HAVE YOU:
16. Made new friends → Yes, since moving up North I have. Quite proud of myself too! 

17. Fallen out of love → No, I didn't fall out of love. It was an educated decision to stop loving 

18. Laughed until you cried →Yep! One of the most exhiliarting things ever!

19. Met someone who changed you → oooh..i won't say change per se, but perhaps influenced me i suppose. I've met someone who caused me to be soo introspective - even worse than i already was! I've also met someone who taught me to be less selfish with my time   

20. Found out who your true friends were → Gosh yeah, would neeeverrr forget that lesson! Harsh, painful but a good lesson to learn   

21. Found out someone was talking about you →No. I'm quite oblivious to things like that   

22. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list → Yes, I shouldn't have. Would have saved myself reams of heart ache and torture.

23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life? ALL. I'm quite selective like that

25. Do you have any pets → No, unfortunately not. I always thought puppy's were cute

26. Do you want to change your name → Gosh no, how i LOVE my name! I make people who can pronounce my name call me my full name :D

27. What did you do for your last birthday →Had my friends over, cooked and had lots of cake and ice-cream. Had a lovely day

28. What time did you wake up today → 7:30

29. What were you doing at midnight last night → getting into bed i think

30. Name something you CANNOT wait for → CAN'T wait to get a car! I want a corsa..oh and i'm patiently waiting to love someone and be loved right back :)

31. Last time you saw your father→ In the spring of the year he died * I smile everytime i remember that. He got in the cab and said he'll see me in the autumn. He never did. Incorrigible that father of mine! :) *

32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → I wish I never met and got involved with the last person i did. I cannot begin to explain the turmoil and unhappiness and just plain misery i've been through and still going through. stooopid stoopid stooopid. Some experiences are unnecessary i say, learn from others'! 

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → LOL! yes, my driving instructor is Tom. I lurrrve him! :)

34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? → Myself. I'm fed up with hurting, but i suppose i gotta ride it out

35. Most visited webpage → err, I suppose i spend a lotta time on youtube 

36. What’s your name→ I'm gonna stick with Enitan. It is my name, but not my first name
37. Nicknames →Varies depends on who's calling me. My favourite is my dad's for me : marina. He always said i'd fetch him some good money if he sold me off at the marina if he ever got broke :) aww, i love my daddy!

38. Relationship Status → Single and for the second time in my life want to be in a relationship. Patiently waiting and working on myself in the mean time, oh and trying to get over the mess that i created

39. Zodiac sign → Pisces. It's scary how the descriptions pisces is sooo like me!

40. Male or female or transgendered → female

41. Primary → St Leo's catholic primary school

42.Middle School→Lagos state model college Igbonla

43. High school → Same as above

44. Hair color → black

45. Long/medium/short → medium afro :)

46. Height → somewhere around 160cm

47. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yes - unfortunately *rolling my eyes*. I.WILL.GET.OVER.IT. I.MUST.GET.OVER.IT.!

48. What do you like about yourself? → I like that I care about people and I remember details they won't expect me to remember

49. Piercings → Ears only

50. Tattoos → awww, i REALLY REALLY want a tatoo! Right above my left latera malleolus. I always lust after other peoples' tatts! 

 51. Righty or lefty → Righty. Very righty, i mean I put my right arm and legs in my clothes first. I start my make up on the right side of my face! LOL

FIRSTS
52. First surgery → None thankfully

53. First piercing → ears ,as a baby. One dost not remember :p

54. First best friends → Truly: mariya. Met in a-levels. Still close to my heart to this day :) 

55. First sport you joined → badminton

56. First pet → never owned one. My mum didn't allow it :(

57. First vacation → To Edinburgh earlier this year. Had a beautiful time :) 

58. First concert → delirious? in brighton

59. First crush → Opeyemi. He gets on my nerves now, such a whiny fellow! Only had one crush since then..the current one. No, i didn't have a crush on the ex. I liked him and took the plunge :p 

RIGHT NOW:
60. Eating → Nothing, too lazy to go get ice-cream i'm craving from the fridge lol

61. Drinking → Water

62. Already missing → my bed man! long day!

63. I’m about to → turn my heater on. A bit chilly

64. Listening to → Joyce Meyer teach about learning lessons and not running away from goliaths in life

65. Thinking about → how the flesh suffers when it doesn't get it's way. Also thinking about a friend's health but i'm not gonna pick up the phone to ask because I don't want to appear like i've been thinking about said friend and because i'm doing my best to get over said friend..childish much?

66. Waiting for → This phase of my life to be over!

YOUR FUTURE :
67. Want kids? → Certainly, two maybe three max :)

68. Want to get married? → Gosh yeah, most certainly. I want to be in a loving committed relationship. I've got soo much love to give! 

69. Careers in mind → I already have a career, question is do i want to follow it through?

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
70. Lips or eyes → I'm a sucker for beautiful piercing eyes 


71. Hugs or kisses →HUGS! oh gosh hugs! Nothing makes me feel more loved :)


72. Shorter or taller → Taller is fine but whatever, don't care that much 

73. Older or Younger →preferrably older, but hey..love comes in different packages


74. Romantic or spontaneous →oooh, hard. but i'd go with spontaneous! 


75. Nice stomach or nice arms → LOL. Arms, i respond a lot to touch :)


76. Sensitive or loud → There's room for both! 


77. Hook-up or relationship →Relationship! I dare not say hook up after the mess i'm in!


78. Trouble maker or hesitant→neither joh

HAVE YOU EVER :

79. Drank hard liquor → Yep!

80. Lost glasses/contacts →I've lost count of the number of glasses i've lost. I mean, how do you loose a pair of glasses?!

81. Had sex on 1st date → No. Still waiting on that hehehe

82. Broken someone’s heart → Yes. I still get a pang of pain and guilt everytime i think about it

83. Had your own heart broken → Yeah, but perhaps i'd say hurt on a huge level as opposed to heart broken. Hurts like a mofo man!


84. Been arrested → Nah

85. Turned someone down → Yes, gently of course :)

86. Cried when someone died →No, I seem to cry only when i'm frustrated

87. Liked a friend that of the same sex? → Not like that nah, hehe

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
88. Yourself → I believe in the God through me and that He empowers me to prosper in anything i lay my hands on 

89. Miracles → Damn straight. I believe in the God i serve

90. Love at first sight → That's a fable. Love's a decision. Lust, infatuation, attraction, chemistry, interest on first sight yes. N0t love

91. Heaven →Most certainly

92. Santa Clause → Not since i realised Nigerian homes didn't have chimneys lol!

93. Kiss on the first date? → Never done that. Most likely will not do that.

94. Angels → YES

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → YES, so badly! But I cannot. I will not.

97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → No, i'm a monogamous soul

98. Wish you could change things in your past? →  yeah, but what to do? Ignoring the things in the past and pressing on ahead man

99. Are you posting this as 100 Truths? → Yes

100. Where are you right now?At home, on my couch, my spot :D

relapse

Twitter is where I vent

But I can't express how much I hate that I miss you

It's a one step forward two steps back situation

I remember why I miss you and curse myself for bringing this upon myself

But what's the use in lying to myself?

They say acceptance is the first step towards healing

But I can't express this in 140 characters or less

Because you'll see it..and i'd be damned if I ever let you know that I miss you

Emotional Lability

a.k.a emotional incontinence refers to a neurologic disorder characterized by involuntary crying or uncontrollable episodes of crying and/or laughing, or other emotional displays. PBA occurs secondary to neurologic disease or brain injury. Patients may find themselves crying uncontrollably at something that is only moderately sad, being unable to stop themselves for several minutes. Episodes may also be mood-incongruent: a patient might laugh uncontrollably when angry or frustrated, for example...as explained by wikipedia :)

 I feel quite incontinent of my emotions right now, which suprises and displeases me. It all began when a friend expressed their displeasure at my turning up late for an appointment. I'm not an african time kinda person, it irritates me to hell. In my head I know and understand that 1) it wasn't my fault I was late as I was kept waiting by another 2) I shouldn't let someone else's feelings affect me so deeply 3) I should let it go, I apologised a number of times and she quit being upset from the get go anyway

I've come to realise, rather alarmingly,  that I care perhaps a bit too much about how I'm perceived. Of course it's okay to have a degree of self awareness but when did i morph into this person whose countenance changes because of the worry and care of what other(s) think and feel toward/about me?

I feel so destabilised and i don't like it. I hear myself using the word 'feel' an obscence number of times. I know that what you feel and what you know are two different entities and that what you feel is affected positively or otherwise by what you think. I know this..yet, here i am writing a blog post about how i 'feel'. Jeez, I thought I was over this by now. I really do feel like i'm regressing and i'm having to re-learn so many lessons again.

This prolonged emotional rigmarole has left me feeling so raw, naked, exposed and small. I don't like not being in control, i don't like not knowing how people who are important to me feel or think about me. Oh to be a mind reader! I desperately want to withdraw, quietly into a corner somewhere but i shouldn't and i can't.

I've put myself way out there now, it'll be so noticeable if i do that and questions will be asked. I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to put on a everything-is-fine, i-got-everything-under-control front. cuz everything isn't fine and everything isn't under control. The burden's heavy and i've found myself in a i-want-someone-in-my-life-to-help-with-this. I don't like that. Where did God and self sufficient enitan go? I seem to have become this person I don't recognise without my knowledge or consent.

daughter-sister-friend-counselor-doctor-adult-ex-side chic-enitan. I think i'm running on empty

physician heal thyself? One dost expect a bit much from oneself it would seem

Que sera sera

?unwritten rules

Is there a specific amount of time somewhere in the unwritten book of social etiquette that should elapse after which exes are allowed not to feel bad about dating someone else?

I mean, it's been a year and a four months. I had to wonder why the ex came across as apologetic and a tad bit shy to admit that he is ?kinda seeing someone. I mean i figured, when he mentioned he went to a couple of spots we used to like to hit back in the day. I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't have gone on his own.

I wish he'd free himself. I also wish he didn't say she was as pretty as me. How dare he? NO ONE is prettier than me! :D :D

Anyway, I'm glad he's moving on. Makes me feel less of a witch.

In other news, I've made the decision to stop berating myself. The torture i put myself through is unbearable sometimes. I mean, why pay penance EVERY time I do something stupid? That's what forgiveness and easter is all about right?

I just fail to understand how i KNOWINGLY do foolish things though! I mean, i weigh the options, I understand the consequences, I KNOW that i'll only be hurting myself and yet, i still go ahead to do it! WHY? I do stuff, hurt myself big time and then have trouble forgiving myself and mega trouble moving on off from there

Why am i having trouble with this one issue? I've been through a truck load of ish in my life and managed to get over the mountains and learn the lessons. So why's this any different? Why does this feel like i've learnt the lesson but i'm still stuck on the same bloody conveyor belt? I suppose i haven't taken myself to the bottom of the barrel yet abi? I hate hate hate that my will is so weak! I used to be able to practice head over flesh every time! But now? I suppose now my soul is fat and lazy and my spirit weak and unfed..I feel like God is mad at me. Any why shouldn't he be? I mean what is the explanation or the excuse for what i've done? *sigh*

I have a lot to forgive myself for. Do i wish i could rewind time? I'm not decided on that. Afterall how do we learn other than mistakes and experience? But some mistakes and experiences i'd rather do without mehnn.. I need a new baptism i swear

In yet some more news, I pondered this today It is true that we are responsible for our actions and in a way, we are to be blamed for the consequences of the decisions we make right? I belong to the school of thought that the other party is not to be blamed when we feel bad for ish that we decided to do - foolishly, ignorantly or otherwise. but then again.. okay lemme use this analogy:

person A has something person B wants. Person A knows that giving it to person B isn't the smartest thing to do, yet gives it to person B anyway. Person B knowing that they won't be able to guard it properly takes it anyway because it was offered.

Now clearly, person A is a bit of a numpty for giving it, but is person B to answer for accepting?My knee jerk reaction is to put the blame solely on person A, ahh i dunno!

I need a shrink..clearly :)

iRamble

I had an epiphany on my way to work today! It literally felt like lighting struck me between my eyes! :D

What's been bugging me all week, why i've felt like turd of week. I finally put a finger on it! It's REJECTION! I was so suprised I actually laughed out loud!

I suppose I shouldn't be suprised, afterall why do i expect myself to recognise and deal with something i've never had to go through before?

I admit, I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to feel, what to do, what not to do. In my head, I can rationalise it to the detail. I'm a very head-over-emotions kind of girl and so this is unfamiliar territory to me and i'm struggling. Really struggling.

It doesn't help that : a) this is all my fault and I keep berating myself over and over again whenever the hurt sears through my heart - which is so very often  and b) I can't talk about it properly to the one person I can because then i'd have to confess and admit the foolishness that I did and she'll be so disappointed in me, I couldn't bear one more thing right now

So i suppose i've built a cage and trapped myself in it and i don't know how to get out of it. It's overwhelming, and i'm actually quite fed up of going round in circles. I'm hurting - yes. I was suprised to realise it feels like my heart is broken. I've had a broken heart once - took me just over a year to heal. I'm alarmed that it feels like my heart is broken and terrified of having to go through the long painful process of healing - on my own.

My physiological response to stress is to withdraw - isolate myself. Not a good physiological response - it worsens the blackness. But i'm tired of putting on a brave face and a cheery smile. I'm tired of being happy when i'm not really joyful. I'm tired of having to act like all's okay in my world when it really isn't.

I've been fighting the isolation and just stressing myself even further. On the wand hand I want to curl up in a ball somewhere and just fade into oblivion for a little while. On the other hand, I want people to care and let me be weak. But my head asks me a) how i expect that to happen when they know nothing of what's going on b) i'm seeking attention

On this occassion, gritting my teeth and plowing through it isn't working. It doesn't help that i'm day 7 on call with 5 more to go. Yes i know my vulnerability increases the more physically tired i am. Truthfully i'm more mentally and certainly emotionally exhausted.

Gosh, such a mixed bag of contradictions I am. A big bear hug and a good cry would probably go some way in helping.

For now, I need to stop wishing and go to bed. Afterall, If wishes were horses, beggars would ride

You'll not know..

You cannot be mad at me for cooling towards you

You cannot be upset with me because i'm seemingly indifferent

You do not know the half of what I've been through and how strong i'm being to get to this here place

You cannot expect me to be in the same place, waiting for the dregs you throw my way

You, surely, must know that i'm worth more than second best

You must understand that it hurts to be treated as such. Not your fault though, afterall one's treated the way one presents herself

You know, i'm sure, that I deserve more than that and have every right to be ontothenextone like i determined to do

You will never ever know how much strength and discipline this is costing me

You asked me, admittedly in a different context, how i happen to be so strong - I'm not. You'll never know the half of it

You know nothing of how hard it is on me to forgive myself. I'm really not THAT person

You most certainly will know nothing of my glorious vulnerability because i'll not let you see that - to what end?

You will not know many things

You certainly have no right to be upset.

#ontothenextone

It would have been okay if we were together, but we're not - and you're 'together' with someone else

It would not be okay if you were 'un-together' with said someone else and 'togethered' with me as much as i long for that because i'll question the basis

It would have to be alright, you would have to understand why i'm cutting you off. It's like attempting to take the proverbial pound of flesh without spilling a drop of blood

It would have been better if this never begun, but shit happened - i allowed shit to happen.

I would have to journey the road towards forgiving myself, and as often as the thought of blaming you for chasing relentlessly after me comes, i can't blame you because

It would have been a different story if i didn't give in to your relentless overtures. I was weak and allowed vulnerability to get the better of me. foolish.

It will have to end because i'm catching feelings..i learnt a little while ago that i'm incapable of dissociating my body from the rest of me

I will have to refuse your offering me your body, that i can do without: i want your mind, your thoughts, your journey, i want your heart

I'm letting go, i've hurt myself enough already. No, i refuse to blame you this is all on me. Afterall, I should have known better

So goodbye, i'll do my best to stop comparing myself to your 'together' and telling myself that i'm better than her and better with you in more ways than one - my arrogance is nauseating

Perhaps in the next life..perhaps.