Dear you

My heart broke into a thousand shards when i heard the first tear fall - yes i heard it clearly. You were being so brave, trying to 'man up', you didn't want me to think little of you, yet my heart was breaking. It shattered because I didn't know what to do, I couldn't hold you in my arms like i wanted to, so i let you speak until you had nothing left to say. You talked and cried and laughed and talked some more at the same time, I listened to your words but all i heard was pain, and my heart broke for not being able to do anything. It's the most frustrating feeling you know - seeing pain and suffering and being able to do fuck all about it. I heard clearly.

I tossed and turned afterwards, searched my little MD knowledge to see if there was anything I could do, anything that I could suggest but I got nothing. I didn't know what to do and so I prayed for you. I asked my Father to show me how I could help you be better, I asked him to help me be some healing for you. I asked him to give you a great big hug for me and tell you that everything is going to be alright. Everything IS alright. I asked him to please remind you to speak to him and ask him for help. I asked him to show you how far you've come, to help you see the road ahead of you and not the one you've left behind. I asked him for a lot of things for you, but most of all, I asked him to please love you for me, because i wasn't doing a good job of it.


I wish you'd let me be there for you, let me love you. You had a horrid day yesterday and I felt all kinds of guilty because i only got to know so late in the day - after i'd been rattling on about my non-issues. I wish you'd let me take some of the bad for you because that's why I'm here. This is what i do - i help, i try to make things better, I listen, I offer a shoulder or two, I'm the sounding board when you're pissed off and need to vent. Life's not all sugar and light all the time, we both know it, I wish you wouldn't try so hard just to present the 'man up' version of yourself to me, I don't need that, I don't want that. 100% honesty - no more, no less - is us, it has to be us because I can't fit to explain how much you mean to me and I hope I tell you that often enough for you to believe it.

You don't have to do life on your own, you most certainly don't have to do November on your own. I'll bully you if you don't let me * :o) *

I wish you'd let me be here for you, I wish you'd tell me how to be here for you, teach me how to be present for you. I wish you'd let me love you...

iRant

I feel very resentful towards the 'sensible thing to do' and for a change,I do not feel guilty about being resentful.

I'm fed up with this place and my job - I loathe using the word 'carer'. Yes, I should be thankful I have a 'good job' hheard that a million times over, but forgive me for not being ecstatic about said job. I'm still waiting to like it a year ad a half later - I man what are the chances?

Everyone says to me incredulously 'but you're a doctor! what would you do otherwise?' I always say having the ability and acquired skill to do something should not condemn you to doing that for life. what would do otherwise? how would know? I have never had a chance to explore anything else and I really want to.

I'm resentful because I want to go home. I hate that I feel stuck/trapped here on the conveyor belt of 'postgraduate training'. I mentioned to my friend that if I had any other career, I could just up and leave, but oh no, I should specialise before going back and bla bla bla. As much as that makes sense in theory, 1. I do not want to specialise in secondary care 2. Specialisation takes a miminimum of 8-10 years (except 3 yrs for GP) 3. I do not want to put my life on hold for a job I do not like ad while it 'makes sense' - at the end of the day, what 'is sensible' is not beneficial to everyone, what if it does not make sense to my life/destiny? *sigh*

Specialist applications opened yesterday and I'm filling in a form loathing every second of  it. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, but eventually I have to do me, I want to go home. 10 years in this place is long enough. 2 years in this horridness is  long enough.

I. have. had. enough. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start and I do not like it.

I need to make a decision - the right one. question is what is it?

Setting fire to the rain

I've had Adele's 'set fire to the rain' on repeat for the past 2 weeks. It's beyond beautiful

I don't believe there's only one 'soul mate' for a person in life, I believe there are several

Is there any sense in being afraid of seemingly getting what you asked for?

I need wisdom - lots of it. Confounded my too many options and i don't like it - all it does is stress me out. oh, to have a crystal ball..

How do you know something's of God and not a shoddy immitation from the pits of hell?

I'm very scared of making the wrong decision. I'm scared i'll irretrievably fuck things up - royally

I hate confrontation, I cannot bear hurting another - usually to my own detriment

I had the most emotionally stressful holiday ever, I need a holiday to recover from the one i just had!

I don't know what to do about Mr  Porstmouth  and i'm scared - very scared and totally confused too, but more worried about making the wrong decision and hurting him, or the right decision and hurting him *sigh*

Why does faith require a leap? Can't it be just a tiny step? Unfair

I miss H something awful, it's not even funny. It's not funny.at.all. We've always had this mad connection, it's scary. And if i'm to be honest with myself, he's the reason why i'm even more unsure about what to do about Mr Portsmouth

I've been avoiding talking to him today, I need a clear head + wisdom to do that. So he'll have to wait unfortunately

To my own self I have to be true

Ignorance is not bliss, it's dangerous

Running away from stuff is never the solution, as much as i'd love to be an ostritch and bury my head in the sand right now

I want to start all over - wipe the slate clean and start over. Completely.

?loving

Being asked to be someone's girlfriend should not be heartbreakingly difficult should it? And yet for the second time in my life i find myself at this place - this horrid horrid place where i'm stuck. Unhappy stuck.

I like Mr Pompey - I like Mr Pompey a lot but i've spent the past 4 days trying to come up with a way to say "how's about you ask me later? How's about you ask me when we get to know each other better? How's about you ask me when we're actually friends - cuz these days, friend is a word used loosely? How's about you ask me when you know me well enough and I know you well enough? Because you see, I'm not a 'date for the heck of it kinda girl' I need to know there's substance, that there's a foundation and that there's scope for it not to be a fling. Because I dont want to be someone's winter roll in the hay. Because I'm not there yet - because when i decide to be with someone i'm there 150%, but i need something more than where we're at now before i do that. Because i've been trying to convinve myself that you being in pompey doesnt matter, but it matters shit loads to me. The last person i attempted to love was far away, a year and a half of far away took it outta me. I need - not want - need more than a weekend boyfriend. I need to be able to see you half way through the week. I need you to be available, because while i'm stoic all on my own, if i'm going to be 150% then I need someone around. I don't want to do a LDR anymore because my needs have moved on from that"

Yeah, i havent come up with a way to say this. I'm not making Mr Pompey wait for the hell of it - i don't play games. I suppose it's been difficult for me and I didn't outrightly say no like i'd normally do, because fuck me, i actually like Mr Pompey, but i'm just not there yet, we're just not there yet. I didn't say no outright because - i guess if i'm being honest with myself - because i like him and because i wanted to see if time would change anything, because i wanted to buy time.

Will be believe me? I dunno. Will he understand? I hope so. I shrug my shoulders as i think about the other people i've told this to, who didn't believe me but instead went ahead to wipe me outta their lives. I suppose if Mr Pompey turns out to be one of those i'll get over it eventually - heck i got over pushpuller! If he doesn't, it'll be great to see if we can get there. But i'm acutely aware that i'm not working on my own time, i'm meeting a deadline. *sigh*

Shame really, i'm sure if i could afford time, if things were different and Mr Pompey could 'date' me properly things may just be different - but que sera sera. One doesn't always get what one wants and the universe often decides to throw a spanner in the works.

Damn me for being a head over heart kinda person..but this is me - this is really me. It's a gift i pay for - emotionally - very dearly..but what to do?



*sigh*

living and laughing + ?loving

It was the perfect date - my kinda date :)

I'm a water baby, my happiest place on earth is the beach. So a nice, long walk on the sea front prior to dinner was just perfect. There's something about the sea breeze yo :) . Quick stop off at church to help out with the fresher's event *a couple of embarrasing 'you look good together comments* , change of clothing and off for an Italian dinner - at the Marina! Brownie points for the sea side location :D


Dinner was great - company was great. Conversation was light, easy and flowed. I giggled to myself when the similarity between this first date and the first date with the ex-boy was immediately apparent. There must be something about me that makes guys spill about all previous and, where applicable, current women in their lives without my asking..hehe.. Nonetheless, dinner was awesome, the hours flew by!

The loooooonngggg walk around town after dinner was the icing on the cake, was actually my favourite part of the evening. I love to walk and chat - that's my kinda date. The weather was just right, we wondered town for well over an hour chatting about everything and nothing and eventually headed back home - to sit under the duvet watching old movies! lol, fell asleep at some point in the early hours of the morning.

I really did have a wonderful time and was pleasantly suprised by his attention to detail and the spontaneity of the evening, The long walk was a spontaneous idea - and it worked out just beautifully.

Was well worth the journey and my eventually saying yes to dinner for the umpteenth time! He'd been asking - persistently, for well over 9 months now *covering my face in shame*  - timing is crucial yo! lol

I'm a traditional girl at heart, i love things to be done properly. So brownie points given to c.y for ringing me to ask me to dinner yet again - not text, no ping, no bbm, no whatsapp. Simple, honest call to ask 'would you please have dinner with me?' :) :) *be still my beating heart* lol

I'm well aware of the new age, modern, independent woman steez but I'm still old school - he chose the resturant and paid for dinner, and no, i didn't offer to split the bill - i don't do that on the first date! :)

And so, after the wonderful evening that was saturday in pompey, right before drifting off to sleep after watching Mr Popper's Penguins :p c.y says ' i'm glad you came, dinner was great. I can't believe you actually eventually came. I like you and would like Enitan to be my girlfriend'.

I swear the blood pumping through my arteries froze! I most certainly was not expecting that - I went to dinner without any ulterior motives and wasn't expecting any. I didn't have any prior inidications that he may have been thinking along those lines. But i was floored because he asked! He actually asked. I was soo shocked and touched by how sweet that is all at the same time.I mean people still ask girls to be their girlfriends? In this age of instant messaging and just falling into exclusivity,, that I was asked clearly impressed me. Heck i'm still in shock! :D

So yes, this is me attempting to follow my own mantra of - live, love, laugh - everyday. Life is too short to be toyed with. Tomorrow is not promised today - to any one. So, I lived and laughed - a lot - down south this weekend.

Am i loving? I'm thinking about it. I really am thinking about it...

all grow-ed up

Both things I was looking foward to this past weekend did not happen - and I am a bit gutted yeah, but not depressingly so. Yay for being all 'grow-ed up!' :D

I failed my driving test yet again - annoying beccause of 'clutch control' - yeah DVLA ignore the fact that it was a car I'd NEVER driven! Sigh - back to commuting and yet more money on driving lessons! It's annoying when your feedbacck is 'you can drive BUT' - *exhaling*

on a more upsetting note, my date with Jamaica man didn't happen! I'd been looking foward to it all week! Met him at a friend's party the weekend before and he's hella funny and sweet so I figured hey, why the hell not :D was supposed to picck me up at half 6 - I'd got dressed and ready and ..nothing.

Then I got a text 45minutes later saying 'are we still on for tonight?' Gosh was I hella annoyed! I HATE HATE lateness and the lack of common sense to text to tell me that you're running late. So I politely told him not to bother coming to pick me up as I was 'already out of my dress' *rolling eyes*

As much as I was looking forward to it and even after his cute apology and offer for a 'walk and a chat instead' I still said no - it's not fronting as I've been accused of, lol, it's all about principles joh. I figured if he wanted to see me that much he can re-schedule and be on time!

I on the other hand am over the disappointment - ish. :D

Roll on next weekend! Dinner and drinks in pompey! I finally said yes to that 8 months later check me out! :D I'm making an effort to - live, laugh and love..failing on the 'love' bit for now..I'm looking forward to that though when it eventially comes - I've got soo much love to give and need so much of it myself

I've decided that I cannot be friends with pushpuller. I've tried, given it a go but just no. I cannot. I'm over him yes - even bought a pair of killer shoes to congratulate myself :D (the shoes which subsequently was Jamaica man's opening line lol). Now when I think of pushpuller, that searing pain and shame doesn't come up any more just attempted indifference and. Wishing never to have been involved with him lol. Heck, I even smiled at his other and was nice! But yeah. It's too difficcult for me abeg, it's unnecessary and frankly, I don't have to be friends with him. Let's leave it at forgiveness and moving on.

Sooooo looking forward to my 12 day holiday in Lagos Nigeria yoo! It's been 3 years I'm soo excited, bring on suya and ankara! :D :D

first steps

They say admitting a problem is the first step to freedom. So here goes:

Hi, I'm enitan and I have emotional problems.A year to get over a relationship of a year and a half. 3 months later and still seriously struggling to get over the fuckery of a 7 month long 'thing'. It doesn't even have a name : it was just a 'thing'. I tried going cold turkey and even tried desensitisation - zilch! So we're riding it out and waiting it out. Getting there slow and steady. Blue in the face from praying about it sef.

Hi, I'm enitan and I don't like my job. I should say career really but the word career implies long term and something you actually like to do. It's neither of that for me. It's just a place I absolutely hate going to and the ass kissing and continuing studying it involves that makes me hate it more.

Hi, I'm enitan and I'm seriously considering a career change. What to do though? I need to figure out what I CAN do and what I LOVE to do. I have figured out so far though that it has to be a 9-5. No awful nights or weekend shifts. I need stability in my life man. So I've got till next summer to figure it out. Maybe I should do them on-line compatibility thingy bobs..

Hi, I'm enitan and I'm blessed! :D