Batty

In 24hours i've gone from blissful solitude to tearful to scared to pissed off to being angry for no apparent reason

If that's not batty, i don't know what is.


I told the boy he feels like a stranger to me, has been since yesterday. Feels like we can't have a bloody conversation anymore and i blame instant messaging. I don't know what i'm more mad about - the fact that we can't seem to have a proper chat like we normally do or the fact that he didn't seem to notice and i had to bring it up.


I think i just miss him and i feel like i need him to not be so comfortable with an IM relationship - because i sure as hell am not


The rational me says i should go apologise. I just want to curl in a ball and cry.


I dreamt about my dad today - i haven't dreamt about him in so long. We were at home and he went to make himself a plate of pounded yam and retired to bed, lol.  So odd. I prayed for God to bless and have mercy on him :)

Issues - i clearly have them

need me, want me

'I've had such an awful day because you've not been in it, i've missed you so much'

Something in me clicks and rebels whenever i hear this or a variation of it.

On the surface of it, it's such a lovely thing to hear and it ought to make me feel all cuddly and warm inside..right?

On the contrary! I don't like it AT ALL. I hear that and all i immediately think is no! no!! no!!

I feel like - Surely, you have something to do with your self, with your time, with your life other than me?! I immediately feel overwhelmed and unable to breathe because i'm feeling like - i can't be the be all and end all of someone's life!

Missing me is one thing, yes - not doing anything other than miss me all day smacks of having nothing to do to distract yourself, switch your focus, change the direction of your thoughts and i dont like that - it makes me feel so overwhelmed! So - 'i'm not joined to you at the hip'

I don't want to be needed.

want me - yes, by all means please. That's infinitely pleasurable

need me - no thank you. I'm not a lifeline.



arghh this is all rambly and makes no sense

Fell in love with a boy

I fell in love with a boy;

with his kind heart and warm spirit.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his sense of humour and his brand of sarcasm.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his smile and listening ears.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his ambition and perserverance.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his ability to identify what he wants and determination to get it.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his praying spirit and his moral compass.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his love for fiction and his awareness of the supernatural.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his respect for life and passion to effect change.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his dogged refusal to bow to peer pressure.

I fell in love with a boy;

with a mind of his own and willingness to learn and be taught.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his bright smile and ready laugh.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his rough hands that feel just right against my skin

with his strong arms that make me feel everything will be okay

with the depth in the pools in his eyes and the uncertainty in them when he's shy and unsure.

I fell in love with a boy;

with his ready apology when either of us have sinned

with his allowing me to be myself 100% of the time

with his being 100% with me all of the time.

I fell in love with a boy and for the first time, i'm okay with that.

7/12

3 days shy of 7 months and i've never been happier, never been more sure, never liked him more

He keeps surprising me with how much of a genuinely great person he is - particularly in areas that don't even concern me. We're on the other side of a couple of disagreements, a really scary illness episode, a big disappointment and still kicking it

3 days shy of 7 months and i've never loved him more

a little almost big slip of the tongue

That's how I was trying to say 'I fell asleep', my brain decided it was going to override my tongue and i found myself starting to say 'I fell in..' - thank heavens for quick reflexes lol - i'm not about to be saying that.. yet!

Detox

I was in a pretty good mood today,despite the heavy downpour, put on my bright yellow skirt and even brighter red lippie to run a few errands and meet up with a friend to catch up over a cuppa. I have a pretty good gut instinct even if i say so myself and ought to know by now to trust it - it's never failed me. Closer to meet up I couldn't ignore the need to bolt home and cancel the date, but being the polite person I am, I refused to be deliberately so rude. Perhaps if I had cancelled, I wouldn't be sitting here, writing and listening to muyiwa and riversongs on full blast trying to shake off this funk and cloud of negative energy currently sat about me, I feel like the little joy i had has been sucked outta me after that cuppa. I'm currently hovering between being completely down and angry - I ought to know better. Time and life is precious - we must be selective about who we let into our space and influence us. Again, i ought to know that. I need a 'friend' detox - evidently.

So I may not have my life all figured out and in all shades of roses but I really really did not feel good about being told that i'm apathetic and should know by now that life is for living, it's not boring but instead I am the boring one. I should have said something at the time? I was to busy listening to the words i was stupidly being allowed to be sown into my soul to come up with a response. I was sat there thinking, they are my tweets, it's my twitter account, i can vent when i want! To take my tweets and colour me all shades of apathetic was hurtful. It started with the  way said friend will never ask after me anymore after reading my tweets because when ever she asks, i say i'm fine and she seems to be wrong and that 'if one is wrong all the time then it's time to stop'. This time i did respond - i said and still say,  i AM fine. I have a moment and tweet that i feel jaded and a bit apathetic towards the olympics and suddenly i have issues and live life and stop being apathetic and boring? *sigh*

Thank God for strength and maturity because even if her words did make me feel like such a failure, I KNOW i'm anything but. Crickey, one's not allowed to be a mess no matter how fleeting every now and then? It's not a good thing to leave someone's presence and feel like you need a giant hug.

You don't like something- change it. Someone sucks the life out of you - keep yourself away from such toxic aura. I have enough on my plate to deal with someone's opinion of me i can do without. No i'm not against criticism, but constructive and at least true. I refuse to be made - intentionally or unintentionally - to feel like a snivelling less than human being. I am quite awesome even if i say so myself.

I still want that hug. As that's not feasible, i'll make do with Lara George's awesome voice , might throw in a bit of sonnie badu and all shall be right in my world soon enough.

once upon a time

I must have been all of what? 12 or 13 i think, first year of senior secondary school when I initially came across the word 'empty' in a different context. My school mum at the time, looked me straight in the eye and said to me 'you are empty'

I remember the day vividly. A previous classmate of ours had come to visit after having left school a few classes before. Everyone was in such an excited tizz, falling over themselves to go see her in the courtyard and there I was laying my bed about to enjoy a nap. My school mum shoots me a arent you going to see your friend  look? I go 'no i'm not, what difference does that make to my life? she's been and gone and moved on. My pretending to be excited to see her affects forex how?' which prompted the pronounciation of emptiness

I didn't understand it for a long time, for a long long time and then she explained it to me. My life had nothing to it, nothing in it! I woke up, went to school, slept, didn't really have any friends and did it all over again the next day. She was right, there was nothing to my life, i had no hopes, no dreams, no ambitions, i didn't look foward to anything really and just existed. Nothing made me excited, nothing kept me going really apart from the fact that i had to.  I existed, i wasn't living, i was empty.

Tried my hand woefully at trying to fill the void with just about everything - nothing fit. Absolutely nothing. Not a person, not academics, nothing. The only thing that fit the emptiness is what was missing. Took me a while - months to realise it was God who was missing. Nothing fits a God size hole in one's soul - nothing. Not money, not lovers, not the society's idea of success, nothing except God fits a God size hole in the soul.

You can't ride on the coat tails of someone else's salvation. Your happiness is no one's responsibility except your's. It's no one's duty to make and keep you happy. Happiness is so fleeting, Joy - real Joy comes from the Most High.

funny images - well, mostly

haha

Lagos! Shot by le boy :)

i'm delicious and i know it! :-p

Enough said!

this tickles me all the time :)

truth!

cookie monsterrrrrrrrrrr!

peer pressure ain't got nothing on me yo!

*all images tiffed, stolen, downloaded from various bbm contacts. None belong to me*
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cuteness!

this is the sweetest image ever. Her cute afro makes me go awwwww

*image curtsey of bbm contact. Rights do not belong to me*
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What love is

*image as tiffed from bbm contact. I have no right to this image*

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Favourite images

keep it simple

lemon-aid :-p

farabale lol

enough said haha

pink!

REGAL. Love this image!

hehehe

hahaha, evil! cyanide and happiness is my thang!

because time waits for no one

*images tiffed, downloaded, shared from bbm contacts. I hold no claim or rights to them*
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hello world

It's been a  hella couple of months.

friend's death and funeral - she was only 27 bless her soul.

finishing foundation training in an incredibly stressful manner - the postgraduate training this side of the pond is dead i tell you. At least it's done and dusted thank God.

wedding planning - gosh wedding planning. I'm never going to agree to be a maid of honour ever again - my goodness!

learning sooo much more about myself - yes i'm an eternal loner and an eternal realist. Only God's grace has kept me from murdering my live-in housemate thus far. :o) she's actually absolutely divine, it's the loner in me that cusses for a minute before i check my attitude when i come back from a long day to a human being and so have to make conversation lol. I'm getting better though, much better. I took myself out on a date yesterday though, i needed the break. I can NEVER get antsy about it, never. All i need do is remember when i was homeless, slept on someone's floor after getting kicked out by someone else's housemate. God has brought me a long long way i tell you. Those times in the valley were all preparing me for a time like this. Afterall, how do i explain to God that i didn't lend a helping hand when He has clearly blessed me to be a blessing? Selfishness and kingdom living don't feature in the same sentence i tell you.

Completely taken my mind, my heart, my thoughts my everything off Mr Portsmouth  months ago. Lovely and all, but i came to the realisation that i want and need someone who claims i'm important to behave like it - actions and not words - actions, and to think we're in the same country - please. I'm not in my fifth decade single and desperate abeg. I had this epiphany shortly after i thought long and hard about what i'm doing with the boy. Funny, i'd have never thought you could grow to like someone more a few months down the line, ish is supposed to be at the maximum excitement in the beginning right? On the contrary. I like this realisation.

I was so certain that if the summer plans didn't work out and the boy didn't come visit - i was so done with it, you know get out before you get in too deep, an across the pond thing wasn't my ideal anyway you know. Only for the summer to show up and i'm like woah okay, i don't think i want out! I didn't want out, evidently i had two feet in and didn't even realise and to be fair this is soo not difficult. A bit inconvenient yes, but not difficult I won't say. I've repeatedly asked my Father and i still do  to put an end to it asap if he doesn't approve and if it's not from Him. So far He seems pretty happy. If He's happy, i'm happy.

The only issue i have at the moment is figuring out what to do with my life. Yes, i'm still going round this mountain! Finished foundation training, 2 exams and one 5hour long interview later, got a GP specialist training programme - 3 year job contract yo! Wasn't an easy feat i tell you. Supposed to start 7 days ago and here i am sat at home applying to locum agencies because the home office is being a bastard and not issuing me a work permit in time. *sigh* I'm too much of a christian to not know that this isn't all surface and there's more to this than the physical. I've prayed about it, all i've asked of God is to give me source of income so i can pay my back tithes - my mind is not at rest knowing that i owe God. He's grown me up too much not to know the importance of that 10% in my life - Haven't been able to pay back tithes because of keeping money in  my account for this visa application steez. This visa stress steez is on another level in this country i tell you. If bank of daddy was around i won't even be applying to locum agencies lol. i'd have a year long holiday i say lol

So i've been out of a job for 8 days and i've NEVER be happier. NEVER. I haven't missed doctoring for even one second. Not at all. I'm desperate to figure out what i'm supposed to be doing. I feel like this a time for me to utilise in figuring out what i'm supposed to be doing with my life, new talents, alternative career paths and all, but i'm drawing blanks. I don't even know where to start and i feel like time is slipping by. As soon as i start work again i won't have so much time but i feel so useless - i literally don't know where to begin! God help me, i need direction

In the mean time, the sun is shinning, i'm happy, all's well in the world.

Thank you Jesus

:o)

empty

Why am I totally emotionless at the news that a friend most very very very likely has lymphoma? I'm so very blergh about it, I actually have no feelings about this..

I feel sorrier for the mongoose being torn apart by wild dogs on nat geo playing in my background than i feel for my friend who's alone in hospital with the fear that she probably has cancer

Relationships do NOT come naturally - at least not to me. I have a degree in being temporarily happy and then succumbing to the most overwhelming feeling of entrapment and the unrelenting need to run, hide out under a cave somewhere and just never come up for air ever again

Sometimes I wish for armageddon, rapture, end of the world, whatever it's called these days, I get so weary of earth, of life.

I cannnot.

what ifs

'what if I don't relocate?' 


Is the question that's been reverberating in my mind for well over a week - well over a week and more loudly so since I desperately asked for some clarification. I've always wanted to ask and have been procrastinating for ages. Now i'm kinda like it'd look like a knee jerk reaction to the events that happened on Sunday, obviously I know it's not. He doesn't.

No there's nothing wrong - absolutely nothing wrong. 6 days to the 3 month mark and the good old monster rears its head. I'm convinced something happened in my past life to make me this way - completely incapable of being plural. I have no other explanation.

There's nothing more desperately distressing than indecisiveness and trying to make decisions based on information you don't have.

Why now? Why didn't I ask this earlier? I dunno, I actually don't know but it has been bugging me for ages, I suppose more so because this agreement was established on the premise that this relocation will happen. I'm like err, so what if I don't go - and you clearly aren't coming (we had this conversation) then err, what are we doing? Evidently I have a PhD in ruining peoples' lives.

Truth, I've been bent on relocating for a few months now, but what if i don't? I'm here until at least early next year anyway and I do have a 3 year training programme  - all things being equal by God's grace as nothing's set in stone.

The obvious response to this is what if i do?

Somehow I always manage to get caught up in drama..#sigh

aeons ago

looking in on my life there's not much difficult about going to work daily,
checking emails daily, meeting deadlines and updating portfolios.Today I checked said emails after about a month and the amount of stuff I've missed is legendary, I'm suprised I've not been fired since! But truth
be told I'm struggling to care. This is not the life I envisioned for myself. I'm tired of being here and I just want to relocate. The boy says I should give it some attention, how can I not care? I recognise what I'm doing subconsciously as self sabotage-if I'm passive enough,things will just fall in place.*smh*why not
just go home?because my indefinate leave to remain is due in december
It makes sense to stay for that,even though getting an extension until then
Is shaky.It's easier not to care. Truth is I broke aeons ago.

if wishes were horses

If wishes were horses, i'd wish i didn't see you at S9

I'd wish us back to many months ago when we left it at that

I'd wish i wasn't all stupid inside for a little while; questioning my decision

If wishes were horses, i'd wish i didn't try again only to be reminded your lack of effort, will, drive

I'd wish you understood that you have to work for something, someone you want. Saying you want them isn't enough

If wishes were horses, i'd wish i never met you

I'd wish i understood what emotion is masquerading as loss and regret

I wouldn't be up wondering why you're in hospital on your birthday, concerned and ticked off that you're not answering your phone

I wouldn't be wondering why i'm wondering who's by your side

If only wishes were horses

me

It takes as much wisdom and strength to quit as does to grit your teeth
and bear it

That awful place where you see yourself tumbling head first down the
slope and you're totally powerless to pull the brakes

I thought I was grown beyond bouts of *i loathe to say depression*
periods of intense funk, evidently not all I think I am.

I still am the person who pushes people away when I need them the
most *sigh* I withdraw so much, hurt those who love me. I see I am
doing it but too wrapped up in my own shit *sigh* To make amends

Today I smiled a smile that reached my eyes. It came from down in my
belly, up through my eyes and rested on my lips. It felt strange, familiar
but wonderfully refreshing.

I'm still dressed like a tramp, but I put earrings on today and smiled -progress!

Head knowledge and heart knowledge are as different as night and day. I
know in my head that I'm priviledged, lucky, blessed and alladat - I KNOW
those to be irrefutably true yet I scraping the bottom of the barrel - evidently
it takes more than positive confessions and telling yourself to get over yourself
what am I missing?

it gets harder everyday

I have never despised a job so much

I do not remember the last time was so tearful or felt so trapped

Lord have mercy on my soul 

François de La Rochefoucauld

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.  ~ François de La Rochefoucauld

*untitled*

He loves me,  he really does - he tells me unabashedly

He says i'm beautiful - i don't think he realises that when i smile in response to that it's because he chose the word beautiful over pretty, cute, gorgeous - beautiful conveys such deeper meaning

He draws things out of me that have been long hidden, buried, forgotten.

I miss his heartbeat under my ears, his fingers searing my skin in ways he never realised.

I ache to show him, in many blush-worthy ways, better ways than my words can, just what i think and how i feel.

It's the little BIG things

I'm one of those who shows love primarily through giving - i take utmost pleasure in remembering the 'little things' mentioned off hand and giving them as presents - just because. I'm one of those who'll send a friend flowers on wednesday - well just because!

I'm laid on my couch with a sore left hip and realised that i'm blessed to have a wonderfully awesome person in my life who does the same for me. Only today I marvelled at the length he went through to get me a book i mentioned off hand that I like!

So I decided, i'm going to write down every single beautiful gift he's given me and send him random suprise thank you's because he deserves it - and because he touches my heart :)

- Always parking on the other side of the road so the passenger door doesn't open next to the gutter because I metioned once that i'm terrified of falling into the gutter

- He went all out to get me a book - lots of phone calls and bookshop visiting, because I enjoyed the prequel and even kept it secret from me until he gave it to me! :)

- I particularly love waking up to a 'morneen :)' message on my phone - i still havent managed to wake up first - ever!

- Randomly sending an animated cat wishing me a 'great day' on my phone - well, just because! still makes me smile even at the thought of it :)

- Making me pancakes! Awesome pancakes too

- I doubt i'd ever forget a brief  'hello how are you' conversation we had in the middle of his visiting an important friend he hadn't seen in ages. The dodo that I am was like, 'err aren't you with someone?' and he comes back with 'yes, but i wanted you to know you're always on my mind and i'm not neglecting you so saying a hello' . I don't think anything or anyone has ever made me feel as special as that did me - and still does

- The postman brought me a tee shirt I said i loved which used to belong to him. I adore him for this

- Always opens the door for me :) Chivalry is not dead :)

- Remebers my favourite flowers

- Lets me moan and ramble on for hours, usually about work or someother equally inane thing or another

ETA: - how could I have forgotten to include taking me to see a play!! Dude was never a stage play kinda guy, yet on my birthday :) he offered to take me to see one. Nearly didn't make it sef, but totally enjoyed it! Best part? He suggested it and he totally loved it! :D *okay this isn't such a little thing, BIG thing actually*

It's the 'little' BIG things for me, the seemingly inconsequential stuff.

There's so much more, I haven't even scratched the surface! Lucky Lucky me. I only wish we didn't have to miss each other - cannot wait to see you again

Now to go hatch thank you plans :o)

dear you

I miss you so much already, I have not even left yet. I don't want to leave - I don't want to go back to not seeing you, not hugging you, not almost kissing you, not seeing you smile at me everyday - it hurts too damn much.

I miss you so much already, my heart literally hurts already. nothing can replace t awesomeness that is life when we chill together, my head on your heartbeat your smile in my heart.

I don't know when it happened - but somehow when I wasn't looking I fell head over arse for my bestfriend - I can't put a finger on when it happened but who cares? All I know is I feel like I'm finally home..with you and I never want to leave. 

the irony

You're right here next to me - yet I miss you something awful it hurts.   I missed you everyday when we were a thousand miles apart but nothing as much as this. how ironic is that? 

I briefly wondered -briefly - why I came. I remembered that I got on a plane bcause of 6 honest words you said to me "I really really really miss you". 

The irony, because right now, lying here listening to the rain fall and grateful for it muffling the sound of my quiet tears - I really really miss you.

Nutty J

I went over to nuttyJ's blog and her recent blogpost just seemed to still the turbulence in my soul - somehow her post was the word i needed to hear today. I'm a pisces to the core - indecisive and so over analytical it kills me! The eternal battle of the 'intellect', the 'logic' versus the instinct, the gut feeling.

I've got a week and some of holiday (last real break until august!) coming up and i've known about it for ages. I figured it'll be nice to go home, but i managed to talk myself out of it for weeks with the 'but i just went home for 10 days in november' 'no-one will have my time, everyone will be at work'. I'm sat talking to myself like - where in the rule book does it say you can't go home in february because you went home in november? - keeping in mind that prior to the 10days in november, i hadn't been home in 3 years - what the frig is that about??

I remember saying, i'm so used to not going home! But how does that make that okay? I never went home frequently because i couldn't afford it - financially or time wise being in med school and all. And here i am, justifying not going home because i'm used to lack - what the frig is that about??

I was soo resentful about this holiday as well, because i wanted to travel, as in go somewhere new and nice - i have wonderlust i'd be the first to admit. I so very nearly went to the UAE on my own. I've travelled alone before it never used to be a biggie - all of a sudden i don't want to go alone and all my friends are not available and so i don't go - what the frig is that about??

I spent weeks convincing myself that home would be a waste of time and money, convincing myself that i really don't want to see H and he doesn't want to see me seeing as he never said anything - until I find myself so upset all day when he says he's filled his weekends with work stuff - so i infer he definately won't have the time for me and i have a light bulb moment - you don't miss your water until the well runs dry. Why do i feel the need to justify going h.o.m.e? What the frig?

Anyway, God bless nutty J for being an unwitting answer to my emotional turmoil. I'm off home at the end of the month. Immediately i clicked on the 'confirm' button, i came into this place of palpable peace, i immediately wondered what took me so long?? All i want, need, is a change of scenery and some peace. Being around people who love and miss me is a bonus. God forbid i procastinate so much and watch my life pass me by. Whitney's death brought it home to me - tomorrow is NOT promised today. That's how i took for granted my dad will always be with me the shock i got when i woke up one fine august day and realised he had gone is indescribable. It's time i stopped getting in my own damn way and live already!

It's my big 25 in 4 days! About damn time i stopped with the bullshit and just live. What's the worst that could happen?

unspoken truth

moyo: have you been bitten, you sleep everytime you're off work

me: the hours are killing me, i'm just tired

*the truth : me: i'm depressed. I sleep loads when i'm unhappy - it's the only way i can run away from the world and my life even if it's only for a few hours*

24/7

How is it that i miss you this much? Oh gosh #trouble!

billy no mates

I'm sat here throwing a ginormous pity part for myself. Today i came to the realisation that i'm all alone, and lonely for the most part of it. I've finally got some time off work - 2 weeks off actually which in itself is awesome *ignoring the looming exam that i do not give a rats ass about* and all i want is a change of scene. I want to go somewhere nice with nice museums and galleries. Ideally i'd love to go to paris or spain - but i don't have the motivation or time for visa steez mehn, that ish is stressful. I'm actually alright with the 'big' cities in the UK, who to go with - absolutely nodody. Granted holiday in the middle of the week is a bit of a piss take, the holidays are over and there's no bank holiday so of course no-one's available and that stinks - i hate my job. Yes i blame it for my lack of social life, i'm NEVER around! Worked all through the holidays when i was supposed to be spending time with others and now i get time off in the middle of january for what now? Mscheww

Even sadder is the realisation that even if people weren't at work, who would i go on a mini-holiday with? *sigh* how did i turn out to be an almost 25 year old with hardly any friends? I'm used to being alone yes, i've had to deal with that since i was 15. Alone i can handle, being lonely stinks.

So after my exams on monday i've got a whole week off work with no one to spend it with and no where to go. I've done Edinburgh, Cardiff, Leeds, Brighton, Portsmouth - i'm thin on places to go. I want to go to cornwall but really i don't want to go all by myself *sigh* I still don't know how my life has turned out like this - again - i made a valiant effort last year and met the friendly friends - but thanks to pushpuller and my extreme methods of dealing with that, that's all gone down the drain.

I suppose it's not all bad, i could read for leisure, learn to paint better and not dwell on the sadness that is my life at the moment, and i suppose not travelling means i can save a bit for my relocation -- yes i am going back home, i have no life in this place neither am i happy here. i'd be doing myself a great disservice going through life half heartedly, i've been 'sensible' for the past quarter of a century - it's time to be happy abeg.

I'm working nights on the weekend of my birthday - ive been looking foward to my birthday since christmas. i'd be 25, it'd have been the first birthday i celebrated - besides my first birthday. I didn't have an 18th, i was broke and homeless living on someone's floor on my 21st so i'd been looking foward to a big blow out - evidently not. I feel like my job is robbing me of my life.

i want to go home, i want to go home and not come back. yes i'm following the fuel subsidy and other news, but it's home - i won't be alone or so chronically lonely, and i'd be free to love and be in love.

heaven keep my country and my people please. I'm done waiting for my life to start, it's time to kickstart it.

In the mean time, imma ride this funk out and do my best not to let the threatening tears fall. Igba die na lo ku (there's just a short time remaining).

I miss H and not even fighting it anymore. I let myself feel whatever i'm feeling and admit that he's the only joy in my life right about now and don't want him to leave

early morning thoughts

Christmas was over in a flash. It's already 2nd Jan 2012. Wow, I've never been so uninterested. Must be what the grinch felt like :). I can't say it's been a fantastic 2011, it's been one hell of a year though. I'm glad it's over - so glad it's over.

I'm not excited about new beginnings or the rest of my life or whatever the lingo is - it feels like business as usual, I mean it's a bank holiday today and I'm getting up in a few hour for a 12hr shift - joy. I wish people would be a bit more sympathetic and not go 'well you knew that before you got into it' no, actually I didn't - but whatever.

I've been actively staying away from my friends recently - I'm doing that withdrawing thing again. I need to get myself togethher - I feel that bitter darkness creeping in again and I don't want to go there. No tears in 2012 enitan, man the fuck up.

Yesterday I found out that the girlfriend of one of tha guys who's been chasing me is heavily pregnant. Not rumour, I saw her. I know her, I knew he had a girlfriend but I didn't realise she was pregnant! I was sooo shocked, as in stupefied! I felt so small and hurt and bruised all at the same time. I know it's not my fault and he's a dickhead. At the same time I wondered if all people seem to think I'm good for is to be a side chic. Pushpuller did that, he did that so did someone else. I'm like what? I don't deserve to have someone's love and affection all to myself? I mean is side chic written on my forehead wtf?
I told H, bless him he was mad on my behalf! Lol. Boy, am I gLad that's well and truly done with.

I've been actively running away from push-puller, he's been actively trying to get my attention. His other is significantly around. I'm handling it the only way I know how - see no evil, feel no evil. It's definitely easier by miles, I'm just not there yet- I'm waiting to get to that place of indifference where I feel absolutely nothing *not that I've ever been capable of doing that but I'm trying*. It hurts a lot less when I see him now - significantly less which is good. I asked my Father to help me be done with it - sooner rather than later. The one thing I've learnt? - still water definitely run deep aptly describes me..I'm a 100% emotionally involved in whatever I get into - I didn't realise how deeply involved I'd gotten until it was too late. But, we're getting somewhere - treading water. I hope I'll be all fixed before they drop the bomb we're all expecting - seems like there's something in the water these days

Midnight came and I was in church, as usual. Pastor asked us to ask God for what we'd like and I actually surprised myself with what came out of my soul. I asked my Father to give me the desire to love him again - I used to love him and spend time with him, somehow I don't know how to manage my time to involve him any longer and by God do I need Him in my life! I need His friendship, mercy, comfort and guidance. I asked for total healing regarding residual hurt in my heart. I asked Him to please please tell me quickly what I should do, stay or relocate? I'm so in knots about this issue I need His guidance and direction soo badly! I asked Him to please give me someone for keeps - I don't want to spend another holiday alone without a friend, lover and partner. I've been alone too long I don't want to be anymore.
This month makes it 2years since my only previous relationship. I'm not fazed my the constant questions from concerned family and friends or the constant hooking up- I just need and want one for me. I'm so ready..I say that when I know I'm kinda unavailable-ish. I miss H & I know he misses me something fierce - I keep asking my Father why there's always a k-leg when it comes to me being with someone. Last one was far away, I didn't permit anything with mr portsmouth as he's so far away. H? Well, H is trans-atlantic. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm asking for too much to be with someone in close proxmity..sigh


I have an exam in a couple of weeks - for GP speacialist training applications. I haven't studied. I don't even know what to study. I don't actually care. I should care.

I will re-take my driving test. I'm hesitating because I don't wanna get a car only to sell It a few months later if I go home. Gosh I hate uncertainty!

I want to know what it is to live with a family-ive been away from home since I was 9 and I really yearn to be surrounded by people who love and care about me, warts and all. I'll make sure when I have my family we will be together more often than not - especially during the holidays.

My heart went out to Sting in her post about the bitch-assness that is medical school. Med school IS difficult. It's soul destroying and no-one outside it understands. I'm rooting for you sting, you deserve to come out of it better, stronger and happier!

I wish H could come visit, I miss him loads.